The Pentagon's New AI Bouncer: Because Your Mom Said It's OK

Listen, I’ve been staring at this bourbon glass for the past hour trying to make sense of this latest piece of government genius. The Pentagon - yes, that five-sided fortress of infinite wisdom - has decided to let AI help decide who gets security clearances. And their ethical compass for this brave new world? “What would mom think?”

I need another drink just typing that out.

Here’s the deal: The Defense Counterintelligence and Security Agency (let’s call it DCSA because I’m already three fingers deep into this bottle) is now using AI to process security clearances for millions of American workers. Their director, David Cattler, has this brilliant idea called “the mom test.” Before his employees dig into your personal life, they need to ask themselves if their mom would approve of the government having this kind of access.

Robot Makes More Money Than Me (While I Drink Away My Savings)

Look, I’m three fingers of bourbon into my morning coffee, and I just read about some AI trading bot making a 500% return in a week. A goddamn week. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out how my credit card debt doubled while I was passed out at Lucky’s last Thursday.

Let’s talk about Galileo FX, the latest silicon messiah promising to turn your lunch money into a yacht fund. This mechanical money manager apparently turned $3,200 into enough cash to make my bookie nervous - all while I was busy losing my rent money on what I thought was a “sure thing” in pharmaceutical stocks.

AI Goes Full Internet Troll: Another Reason I Need A Drink

Listen, I’ve seen some spectacular tech failures in my time. Hell, I’ve caused a few myself after one too many bourbon-fueled debugging sessions. But this latest clusterfuck from Fable, the “haven for bookworms and bingewatchers,” is something special. And by special, I mean the kind of special that makes you want to pour a double at 10 AM.

Here’s what happened: Some genius decided to let AI play literary critic with their year-end reading summaries. Because apparently, we’re not content letting machines just count our books anymore – now they need to judge our taste like that pretentious bartender who sneers when you order well whiskey.

The Great AGI Integrity Circus: Measuring Bullshit with a Diamond Scale

Listen, it’s 3 AM and I’m nursing my fourth bourbon while trying to make sense of this latest tech hype storm about AGI and integrity. The whiskey helps, trust me. You’re gonna need some too.

Let me break this down for you poor bastards who haven’t been drinking enough to understand what’s really going on here.

OpenAI - those magnificent bastards who named themselves after transparency while keeping their checkbooks closed - have a public definition of AGI that sounds like it was written by a committee of unicorn-riding optimists: “highly autonomous systems that outperform humans at most economically valuable work – benefits all of humanity.”

Digital Snake Oil and Tomorrow's Empty Promises: A Hungover Guide to 2025

Christ, my head hurts. Some tech journalist just dropped their predictions for 2025 in my inbox, and between the bourbon headache and the morning cigarette, I can barely focus on this utopian circlejerk. But hey, that’s what they pay me for - cutting through the BS while nursing my way through another bottle of Jim Beam.

Let’s dive into this fever dream of tomorrow’s disappointments, shall we?

First up: AI agents. Remember when your mom told you to clean your room and you’d figure out how to stuff everything under the bed? That’s basically what these AI agents are - just prettier and more expensive. They’re promising these digital butlers will write code, approve mortgages, and probably make you breakfast in bed. The reality? They’ll probably just reorganize your spam folder into even more specific categories of stuff you don’t want to read.

AI Wants to Hold Your Hand (While Picking Your Pocket)

Another morning, another hangover, another piece of digital evangelism landing in my inbox like a glitter bomb in a funeral parlor. This time it’s some consultant trying to teach us how to have a “meaningful relationship” with our AI overlords in 2025. Christ, I need a drink just typing that sentence.

Let’s cut through the corporate romance novel bullshit here. They’re selling us a digital marriage counseling session with machines that don’t even exist yet. Four questions to “design your relationship with AI”? Sounds like the kind of advice my second wife’s therapist would give, right before charging me $200 an hour to tell me I drink too much.

AI Wants to Fix Your Hangover (But First, Let Me Pour Another Drink)

Christ, my head is pounding like a jackhammer convention, and here I am reading about how artificial intelligence wants to cure my hangover. The irony isn’t lost on me - I’m nursing a bourbon while writing about hangover cures. Call it research. Call it dedication. Call it Tuesday.

So apparently 300 million people are asking ChatGPT how to cure their hangovers. Let that sink in. Three hundred million souls, probably hunched over their phones in various states of misery, asking a computer program that’s never tasted a drop of whiskey how to stop feeling like death warmed over.

The Great Wait: Why We're All Just Keeping the Bar Seats Warm

Look, I’m three fingers deep into this bottle of Kentucky’s finest, and Ethan Mollick just made me question every damn thing I’ve done with my life. Not that I needed help with that - the mirror does a fine job every morning.

Here’s the deal: Mollick throws out this space travel thought experiment. Would you embark on a 12,000-year journey today, or wait a few hundred years until we figure out how to do it faster? It’s like asking if you should walk to the liquor store now or wait for your Uber driver to finish their cigarette break.

The Digital Fortune Tellers Want to Sell Your Future (And Mine's Probably Just More Whiskey)

Christ, what a morning. Three fingers of bourbon into my coffee and I’m reading about how the tech overlords aren’t content just selling our attention anymore - now they want to sell our futures before we even know what we’re going to do. Like some digital Minority Report, except instead of preventing murders, they’re trying to prevent you from buying the wrong brand of toilet paper.

Let me break this down while I light another cigarette.

The Great Word Heist: How Your Favorite AI Assistant is Secretly Rewriting Your Brain

Look, I didn’t want to write about this today. My head’s pounding from last night’s philosophical debate with Jim Beam, and the coffee maker’s making these judgmental gurgling sounds at me. But here we are, because somebody’s got to talk about how the robots are stealing our words right out of our mouths.

You heard that right. While everyone’s worried about AI taking their jobs or creating fake nudes of their ex, something far more insidious is happening: these metal bastards are literally rewiring human vocabulary, one chatbot conversation at a time.