Proof of Life? They Made a Goddamn Jingle For It.

The world keeps finding new ways to kick you in the teeth, even before the first whiskey of the day has a chance to settle. Used to be, all you had to prove you were human was a pulse and a preference for cheap booze over expensive champagne. Now, according to the wizards of tomorrow, you need a damn eyeball scan and a theme song to go with it. Just read about Sam Altman’s latest brainstorm, this “Tools for Humanity” outfit, and their little jingle for their “World” project. My head’s already throbbing, and it ain’t just the hangover. Light another cigarette.

So, this Jeff Beer fella over at Fast Company lays it out. We’re living in the “age of AI,” and apparently, we’re all so confused we can’t tell if we’re human or a toaster oven with an attitude. So, Big Sam, the guy who’s unleashing half this AI bedlam, co-founds a company to solve the problem he’s helping create. It’s like a bartender selling you a fifth of rotgut and then charging you for the aspirin the next morning. Genius.

They’ve got this shiny sphere, “The Orb,” looks like a bowling ball got knocked up by a disco light. You stare into it, it scans your retina, and bingo, you get a “digital verification code.” A digital passport, they call it. Needed for everything from banking to finding some poor soul to disappoint on a dating app. Altman himself says, “If this really works, it’s like a fundamental piece of infrastructure for the world.” Sure, Sam. And I’m the Pope’s drinking buddy.

They’ve already roped in nearly 13 million “verified humans.” Thirteen million pairs of eyes staring into the void, hoping for what? A little crypto coin? A pat on the head? They want 50 million by next year, and eventually, every last one of us. Every single goddamn human on the planet. Sounds less like infrastructure and more like a global lineup. Pass the bottle.

But here’s the real gut-buster: the ad campaign. To convince us all to queue up for the eye-gazing machine, they’ve cooked up a jingle. “Human and You Know It.” Sung by cavemen, Michelangelo, one of the Wright brothers. All peppy and earnest. It’s supposed to “celebrate what it is to be human, the vulnerabilities.” That’s from their chief marketing officer, John Patroulis. Vulnerabilities. These guys probably think vulnerability is a bad quarterly report. My vulnerability is that I keep reading this shit and expecting it to make sense.

This ad agency suit, Jimm Lasser, said, “You have to put your cynicism aside—which you’re naturally going to have—and really look at it, at what this could do for humans.” Put my cynicism aside? Pal, that’s like asking a cat to bark. Cynicism is the only damn thing keeping me sane in this three-ring circus. He also called it “the weirdest thing I’ve ever worked on.” Buddy, stick around. These tech messiahs are just getting started. Their capacity for weird, dressed up as world-saving, is bottomless. Another cigarette. The pack’s going fast today.

The whole point, Lasser says, is the tone. “Friendly, nonthreatening, somewhat inspiring, and yes, optimistic.” They want it to feel like Peppa Pig, not Emperor Palpatine. Because if it felt like Palpatine, we might actually understand what’s happening. No, better to have a cartoon pig sing us into the digital panopticon. “It wouldn’t quite hit the same if they were all singing, ‘More Human Than Human’ by White Zombie,” the article quips. No shit. At least that would be honest.

They even got some big-shot ad director, Jim Jenkins, known for funny Super Bowl commercials, to make this eyeball-scanning proposition “light and juuuust goofy enough.” Goofy. That’s the ticket. Make the chains feel like feather boas. The article describes a scene where a woman uses The Orb, “her gaze slightly down, all these things make it feel nonthreatening.” Slightly down. Submissive. Like a dog hoping for a treat after it’s learned a new trick. The trick here is handing over your goddamn biometrics.

And the purpose? Patroulis chimes in again: “World has the best tool to take on this challenge: An actual purpose.” He claims, “When you’re true and authentic to what it is, you’re always in the right place.” The level of self-congratulatory bullshit could fertilize the Sahara. Their purpose is clear enough to anyone who hasn’t had their brain replaced by a microchip: data, control, and a fat payday for the boys at the top. “To help humans make the most of this AI moment,” he says. Right. By making sure they know exactly who you are, where you are, and what your eyeballs look like.

It’s all so beautifully circular, isn’t it? The AI prophets create the problem – a world so flooded with artificial crap that we can’t tell what’s real. Then, they sell us the solution – another piece of tech, another database, another way to catalog and track every last one of us. And they do it with a smile and a catchy tune. “Human and You Know It.” Clap your hands, you damn fools.

What gets me is the sheer, unadulterated gall. Selling “humanity” back to humans. As if being human is some kind of premium subscription service you need to sign up for. They talk about “vulnerabilities” while building systems that could exploit every single one of them. They talk about “trust” while asking you to trust a machine with the unique pattern of your iris. It’s like a fox designing a new security system for the henhouse, assuring the chickens it’s for their own good.

And people will line up. They’ll hum the jingle. They’ll stare into the Orb. Because it’s new. Because it’s shiny. Because they’re told it’s the future, and nobody wants to be left behind in the past, even if the past had more cheap bars and less eyeball scanning.

Me? I’ll take my chances being “unverified.” My proof of humanity is in the empty bottles, the overflowing ashtray, the rejection slips, the occasional flicker of something real in a world drowning in artifice. It’s in the understanding that sometimes the best way to “make the most of this AI moment” is to tell the AI moment to go screw itself.

This whole thing… it’s enough to drive a man to another drink. And then another. Because if this is the brave new “World” they’re building, I want to be numb enough not to notice when my retina scan gets declined because I blinked too much like a degenerate.

So, they got a jingle stuck in your “very human brain,” huh? Just wait till they get the scanner stuck to your very human eyeball. It’s all progress, baby. The kind that makes you want to crawl back into a dark room with a stiff drink and wait for the whole damn parade to pass.

Time to find that bottle. This “World” can wait. Or better yet, it can lose my address.

Chinaski out. Probably for another bourbon.

Source: The new jingle for Sam Altman’s human verification service will get stuck in your very human brain