AI Wants to Change Your Grandma's Diapers (For Just $150 Million)

Another startup just raised $150 million to revolutionize healthcare with AI, which I’m reading about while nursing my third bourbon of the morning. The company’s called Cera - like the waxy stuff that builds up in your ears, I guess - and they’re promising to predict when your grandmother’s going to face-plant into her knitting basket.

Let me take another sip before I dig into this mess.

Here’s the deal: the UK’s healthcare system is about as functional as I am after a three-day bender. The NHS is basically being held together with duct tape and good intentions at this point. So naturally, here come the tech wizards, waving their AI wands and promising digital salvation.

The Great AI Small Business Con Job: A Booze-Soaked Reality Check

Listen, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon and just read another steaming pile of PR nonsense about how small businesses are supposedly going AI-crazy. According to the usual suspects - Verizon, Salesforce, and their corporate chorus line - every mom-and-pop shop from here to Hoboken is apparently running on robot brain power.

What a load of horse shit.

Let me tell you what’s really happening out there, because unlike these survey-wielding suits, I actually talk to small business owners. Usually at 2 AM at places like O’Malley’s Bar & Grill, where Mike the owner still can’t figure out how to program his digital thermostat, let alone implement machine learning algorithms.

Another Robot "Companion" That's Totally Not For Sex (Trust Me, I'm Hungover)

Look, I didn’t want to write about this. I’ve got a hangover that feels like someone replaced my brain with wet cement, and the last thing I need is to think about another silicon-based “companion” that’s definitely, absolutely, positively not for fucking. But here we are, and my bourbon won’t pay for itself.

So there’s this new robot called Aria. Price tag: $175,000. That’s roughly 8,750 bottles of Wild Turkey, but who’s counting? The company behind it, Realbotix, swears up and down it’s meant to “tackle the staggering loneliness epidemic.” Right. And I go to strip clubs for the buffet.

Digital Snake Oil and Tinkerbell's Last Dance

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Three fingers of bourbon might help me make sense of this latest tech hysteria. There we go. Better now.

Listen up, you digital dreamers and code warriors. While you’ve been busy circle-jerking about artificial intelligence saving humanity, I’ve been watching this show from my favorite barstool, and let me tell you - it’s the same old song and dance, just with fancier footwork.

You know what AI reminds me of? That time at O’Malley’s when Jimmy swore he could fly after his eighth shot of tequila. We all believed him right up until gravity had its say. The bouncer’s still telling that story.

Digital Salvation: The Latest Snake Oil from Our Robot Overlords

Christ, it’s not even 9 AM and I’m already three fingers deep into my bourbon, staring at this press release about AI becoming our new spiritual guru. Because apparently, that’s where we’re at in 2025 - asking computer programs to guide us to enlightenment. What’s next? Meditation apps that dispense actual Prozac?

The whole thing reads like a bad joke: 300 million weekly users are now turning to ChatGPT for spiritual guidance. That’s more people than the population of Japan, all typing their existential crises into a text box and hoping for digital nirvana. And the kicker? It’s working about as well as my attempts at sobriety - which is to say, not at all.

Zuck's Book Heist: A Billionaire's Guide to Literary Theft

Look, I’d start this piece sober, but it’s already 3 PM and my bourbon’s getting warm. Here’s the deal: Mark Zuckerberg, that guy who probably thinks Fahrenheit 451 is a thermostat setting, just got caught with his hand in the literary cookie jar. And not just any cookie jar – we’re talking about the whole damn bakery.

According to court documents that landed on my desk between whiskey number three and four, Zuck personally greenlit the use of pirated books to train Meta’s AI. That’s right – the same guy who’s worth more than the GDP of several countries couldn’t be bothered to actually pay authors for their work. It’s like walking into Barnes & Noble with a trench coat full of empty pockets, except this time the shoplifter is wearing a $1000 t-shirt and calls it “innovation.”

Your Brain on AI: A Love Story Written by Machines

I should’ve known better than to write this with a hangover, but here we are. Last night’s bourbon isn’t mixing well with this morning’s news about how AI is literally making us dumber. And the funny part? It took 666 test subjects to prove what any functioning alcoholic could’ve told you for free.

Let me break this down while I pour my fourth cup of coffee. Some researchers just published a study showing that people who rely heavily on AI tools have worse critical thinking skills than those who don’t. The kicker? It matters more than education. That’s right - your fancy PhD means jack shit compared to how much you let ChatGPT do your thinking for you.

Digital Thugs and the New Bot Protection Racket

Listen, I’ve been around long enough to know a shakedown when I see one. And between pulls of Jim Beam at 3 AM last night, reading about OpenAI’s latest stunt, I couldn’t help but flash back to that time Joey “The Wrench” explained to me how protection money works. Only difference is, Joey had the courtesy to look you in the eye while he was squeezing you.

Let me paint you a picture through my whiskey-tinted glasses: There’s this small Ukrainian company called Triplegangers, seven honest workers doing honest digital work, selling 3D scans of real humans. Think digital mannequins for the cyber age. They’re minding their own business when suddenly - BAM! - OpenAI’s digital goons come knocking, not with baseball bats but with 600+ bot IPs hammering their servers like it’s a game of digital whack-a-mole.

Meta's Digital Zoo: Teaching AI to Play Nice (And Failing Miserably)

Listen, I’ve spent enough time in bars to know that getting people to cooperate is about as easy as convincing my landlord that the rent check is “in the mail.” But at least drunk people eventually figure out how to share the last bottle of bourbon. AI, as it turns out, can’t even manage that basic courtesy.

So here’s the deal: Meta - you know, Facebook’s midlife crisis rebrand - just announced they’re planning to populate their platforms with AI-generated users. Because apparently, the current mess of MLM schemes and your aunt’s conspiracy theories isn’t quite dystopian enough.

DIY Murder Robots: Because Regular Guns Weren't Scary Enough

Look, I didn’t want to write this piece. I was perfectly content nursing my hangover with coffee that tastes like it was filtered through an old sock. But then some genius had to go and build a robot that can shoot guns while taking voice commands from ChatGPT. Because apparently, that’s where we’re at in 2025.

Let me set the scene: Picture a contraption that looks like someone welded together parts from a washing machine, a rifle, and whatever they could steal from a defunct Chuck E. Cheese animatronic. Now imagine this unholy creation being controlled by the same AI that helps teenagers cheat on their homework. Sweet dreams, everyone.