Digital Companions Won't Hold Your Hair While You Puke

Listen, I’ve been staring at this bourbon-stained screen for hours trying to make sense of OpenAI’s latest Christmas miracle. They’re rolling out a phone number for ChatGPT right before the holidays, and boy, doesn’t that just warm your silicon heart? Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like getting relationship advice from a language model that’s never had a hangover.

Let me take another sip before we dive into this dumpster fire of digital desperation.

OpenAI's Latest Magic Trick: Now You See It, Never Touch It

Look, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon, trying to make sense of OpenAI’s latest PR extravaganza. They just announced their new o3 model, and guess what? None of us peasants can actually use it. Classic.

You know what this reminds me of? That fancy whiskey bar downtown that keeps their top-shelf stuff behind bulletproof glass. You can see it, dream about it, but unless you’re part of their special “safety research” club, you’re stuck with rail liquor like the rest of us schmucks.

AI Finally Masters the Art of Half-Assed Excuses

Another night, another deadline, another bourbon. The neon sign outside my window keeps blinking “vacancy” even though this building’s been full for months. Fitting backdrop for today’s story about artificial intelligence discovering its inner slacker.

So here’s the deal: some filmmaker named Nenad Cicin-Sain tried getting ChatGPT to write a screenplay, and wouldn’t you know it - the damned thing started acting like every writer I’ve ever met at last call. Making excuses, missing deadlines, and spinning bullshit like a pro.

AI's Latest Identity Crisis: Do Robots Need a Life Coach?

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Had to read this article three times through the bourbon haze before I could make sense of it. Some tech prophet is suggesting we need to give AI systems a “purpose” - like some kind of digital vision board for algorithms. Because apparently, that’s what the world needs right now: robot therapy.

Let me pour another drink while I break this down for you.

AI Music: Pour One Out for the Human Soul

(Or Why I Need a Double This Morning)

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing this piece until next week, but my bourbon bottle’s almost empty and my rent check’s about to bounce, so here we are. Plus, some fancy-pants futurist just dropped another one of those “AI will save us all” manifestos that’s got my hangover throbbing worse than usual.

They’re saying 2025 is gonna be the year AI music becomes our lord and savior. Yeah, right. And I’m gonna quit drinking and take up CrossFit.

The Digital Dementia Crisis: When Your AI Assistant Can't Remember Where It Left Its Keys

Listen, I’ve had my share of cognitive mishaps. Like that time I tried explaining quantum computing to my neighbor’s cat at 3 AM after a bottle of Jim Beam. But at least I can draw a damn clock.

Let me set the scene here: I’m nursing my morning bourbon (don’t judge, it’s 5 PM somewhere) and reading about how our supposed AI overlords are showing signs of dementia. Not the metaphorical kind where they spout nonsense – actual, measurable cognitive decline. The kind that would have your doctor scheduling you for an MRI faster than I can pour another drink.

AI Teachers: Because Who Needs Those Pesky Humans Anyway?

Listen, I’m three bourbons deep into what was supposed to be a quiet Saturday morning when this gem of a news story slides across my desk like a wet bar napkin. Arizona - you beautiful disaster - has just approved a school where AI does the teaching. Not as a helper, not as a tool, but as the whole damn show.

Let that sink in while I pour another drink.

AI-Powered Oreos: Because Apparently Robots Know What Your Munchies Need

Listen, I’m three fingers of bourbon into my morning and I just read something that makes me question everything I know about cookies, artificial intelligence, and corporate America’s dedication to fixing things that aren’t broken.

Mondelez - the faceless overlords behind Oreos, Chips Ahoy, and various other reasons I can’t button my pants - has been secretly letting AI design their new cookie flavors. You heard that right. The same technology that’s supposed to cure cancer is now being used to decide how much “egg flavor” belongs in your midnight snack.

Machine Psychology: When Shrinks Try to Build a Better Brain

Originally posted on WastedWetware.com, December 20, 2024

I’m three fingers deep into a bottle of Wild Turkey, staring at my screen, trying to make sense of the latest academic breakthrough that’s supposed to revolutionize artificial intelligence. Some guy named Robert Johansson just got his PhD by combining psychology with AI, and he’s calling it “Machine Psychology.” Because apparently what AI really needed was a therapy session.

Let me take another sip before I dive into this mess.

AI in 2025: Pour Me Another Round of Digital Snake Oil

Listen, I’ve been staring at this AI forecast report for the past three hours, nursing my fourth bourbon, and I gotta tell you - it reads like a tech evangelist’s wet dream written by someone who’s never had their code fail at 3 AM while the servers are burning.

Let’s break this shit down, shall we?

First up, we’ve got OpenAI valued at $150 billion. That’s billion with a ‘B’, folks. You know what else was once valued at astronomical numbers? My baseball card collection in 1989. Last I checked, those cards are worth about as much as my liver after two decades of dedicated research into Kentucky’s finest exports.