The Digital Con Artists Just Got an AI Upgrade

Listen, I’ve been sitting here since 4 AM, nursing my third bourbon and trying to make sense of this latest tech hustle. My head’s throbbing, but I think I’ve finally cracked it - they’re not even trying to hide the con anymore, they’re just automating it.

Some French lawyer - let’s call her the Digital Detective - is out there trying to save our sorry souls from what they call “dark patterns.” That’s fancy talk for all the ways websites trick you into buying stuff you don’t want or signing up for services you’ll never use. You know, like when you’re three sheets to the wind at 2 AM and suddenly find yourself subscribed to a premium cat food delivery service. Not that I’m speaking from experience.

Porter's Five Forces of Educational BS: A Drunk's Guide to the Future of Learning

Christ, my head is pounding. Three fingers of Wild Turkey isn’t exactly helping me make sense of this latest piece of consulting gospel about how AI is going to save education. But here we are, another Monday morning, and my inbox is stuffed with press releases about how the robots are coming to teach our kids.

Let me break this down while I pour myself another drink.

Some consultant named Porter apparently figured out there are five forces that shape competition. Revolutionary stuff, right? About as revolutionary as discovering that whiskey gives you hangovers. Now they’re trying to apply this framework to education, because God forbid we let teachers just teach without some MBA’s theoretical framework cramping their style.

The Pentagon's New Robot Gun: Because Humans Are Just Too Damn Slow at Killing Things

Look, I’ll be honest with you - I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours now, nursing my fourth bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of what I’m reading. The Pentagon, in their infinite wisdom, has decided that what the world really needs right now is an AI-powered machine gun. Because apparently, regular machine guns weren’t keeping arms manufacturers awake at night wondering how to spend their bonus checks.

AI Consciousness Wars: Your Digital Toaster Might Have Feelings (And Other Fun Ways The World's Going To Hell)

Look, I didn’t plan on tackling this topic today. I was perfectly content nursing my bourbon and watching my coffee maker potentially plot the robot revolution. But then this story about AI consciousness hits my desk like a brick through a window, and suddenly I’m sobering up just enough to care.

Some big shot philosophers are now predicting AI consciousness by 2035. That’s right - in about a decade, we might need to start asking Alexa how she’s feeling before asking about the weather. And apparently, this is going to tear society apart faster than my last relationship.

Sam Altman's Digital Revival: Preaching Progress from the Mountain

Well, friends of the bottle and binary, I just crawled out of my usual morning fog to watch Sam Altman’s latest sermon at DevDay. Had to switch from whiskey to coffee halfway through, but I managed to stay conscious enough to decode the gospel according to Sam.

Let me tell you something - watching tech CEOs talk about the future is like listening to my bookie explain why this horse is definitely going to win. The difference is, at least my bookie knows he’s selling me bullshit.

Your Digital Hair Won't Save Your Analog Life

Well folks, I just crawled out of bed at 3 PM to discover that people are now bringing AI-generated haircut photos to their barbers. Pour yourself a stiff drink - you’re gonna need it for this one.

Remember the good old days when delusional bastards would walk into barbershops with photos of Brad Pitt or George Clooney? At least those guys were real humans with actual hair follicles and DNA. Now we’ve got people showing up with pictures of computer-generated Pretty Boys who’ve never known the cruel reality of a receding hairline or a bourbon-induced bedhead.

Your Brain Isn't Your Brain: Bach's Digital Spirits and Why We're All Just Software Running on Meat

Let me tell you something about consciousness while I nurse this hangover with some Wild Turkey. Bach - not the composer, the AI guy - has been saying our thoughts aren’t really ours. Usually when someone tells me thoughts aren’t mine, it’s after I’ve had way too much bourbon at closing time. But this time, the man might be onto something.

Here’s the deal: everything in the universe is basically competing software. Not in some metaphorical “the world is a computer” way that stoned college freshmen babble about at 3 AM. I mean literally - we’re all just different programs running on various substrates, from carbon to silicon, trying to perpetuate ourselves.

Brussels' Latest Hangover: A Drunk's Guide to the EU AI Act

Look, I didn’t want to write about this. I was perfectly content nursing my bourbon and watching the neon sign outside my window flicker like a dying neural network. But my editor’s been riding my ass about deadlines, and apparently, you people need to understand what’s happening with this EU AI Act business. So here we go.

First off, let me tell you what this isn’t. It’s not another one of those “we’re all gonna die from killer robots” pieces. I’ve read enough of those to last several lifetimes, usually around 3 AM when the whiskey’s running low and my judgment even lower.

Digital Wellness Bullshit: Another Round of Snake Oil with an AI Chaser

Christ, my head is pounding. Three fingers of bourbon might help me process this latest load of corporate feelgood garbage that landed in my inbox this morning. Some consultant type wrote another one of those “here’s how to balance your digital life” pieces that make me want to throw my laptop through a plate glass window.

Let me tell you something about “balancing” social media and AI - it’s like trying to balance on a barstool after last call. The whole premise is fucked from the start.

Santa's Digital Elves Are Drunk: Coca-Cola's AI Christmas Ad Disaster

Listen, I’ve seen some weird shit through the bottom of a whiskey glass, but Coca-Cola’s new AI-generated Christmas ad makes my worst bourbon-soaked nightmares look like Disney productions. And trust me, I know something about nightmares - I wake up to them every afternoon.

Four AI studios burned through enough electricity to power my favorite dive bar for a decade, just to create 15 seconds of digital vomit that looks like Christmas threw up on itself. The whole thing’s got fewer real frames than I’ve had sober days this month.