Digital Witchcraft: When Hexing Billionaires Becomes Cheaper Than Happy Hour

Christ, what a time to be alive. I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, trying to process the fact that people are now outsourcing their hatred to Etsy witches for less than the price of a decent drink. And you know what? It might be the most honest transaction I’ve seen all year.

For a measly $7.99, you too can hire someone to curse Elon Musk. That’s right - the same platform where you buy hand-knitted coffee cozies and artisanal soap is now offering supernatural vengeance at bargain basement prices. The gig economy has finally reached the occult, and the profit margins must be fantastic - all you need is some cayenne pepper, lavender, and what I assume is an impressive ability to keep a straight face while charging people’s credit cards.

Digital Doomscrolling with Professor Know-It-All

Listen, I’d write this sober if I thought it mattered, but after reading Jeff Jarvis’s latest pontifications about the state of the internet, I needed a drink. Or three. Currently nursing my fourth bourbon while trying to make sense of his new book “The Web We Weave.” Spoiler alert: it’s complicated.

Here’s the thing about Jarvis - he’s not wrong, but he’s not entirely right either. Kind of like that bartender who keeps telling you “one more won’t hurt” at 2 AM. You know better, but you want to believe him.

Apple's Siri 2026: A Three-Year Wait for Yesterday's AI

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Spent last night trying to get Siri to call me an Uber after closing time at O’Malley’s. You know what she did? Tried to FaceTime my ex-wife. At 2 AM. Some things never change, and apparently Siri’s competence is one of them.

Speaking of things that don’t change, Apple just announced they’re working on “LLM Siri” - their groundbreaking attempt to catch up to what everyone else was doing back when I still had a liver that functioned properly. They’re promising this revolutionary upgrade will hit devices sometime in 2026. Yeah, you read that right. 2026. By then, my doctor tells me I’ll either be sober or dead, and I’m betting on the latter.

Hacking Our Way Out of the Matrix (Or Why Reality Might Just Be Someone's Screensaver)

Well, folks, it’s 3 AM, and I’m nursing my fourth bourbon while contemplating whether we’re all just bits in some cosmic computer program. Not the usual existential crisis that hits at this hour, but here we are.

Professor Roman Yampolskiy dropped a mind-bender recently that’s got me questioning everything - and I mean everything. According to him, we’re probably living in a simulation run by superintelligent AI, and the real kicker? We might be able to hack our way out of it.

When AI Learns to Cram: The Art of Last-Minute Machine Intelligence

Posted by Henry Chinaski on November 23, 2024

Nursing my third bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of this new paper from MIT. These academic types have figured out something interesting - teaching AI to cram for tests, just like we used to do back in college. The irony isn’t lost on me.

Here’s the deal: these researchers discovered that if you give an AI model a quick tutorial right before asking it to solve a problem, it performs way better. Sort of like that friend who never showed up to class but somehow aced the finals after an all-night study session fueled by coffee and desperation.

Your Digital Shopping Buddy Wants to Control Your Wallet (And Maybe Your Life)

Look, I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours now, nursing my fourth bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of what these tech prophets are selling us this time. Something about AI shopping assistants being the “next iPhone moment.” Right. Because what we really needed was a digital middleman between us and our questionable 3 AM purchase decisions.

You know what? Let me pour another drink and break this down for you poor bastards.

Teaching Machines to be Saints: Another Round of Corporate Fantasy

Look, I’d write this sober but my hangover’s actually helping me see the absurdity more clearly. OpenAI just dropped a cool million on teaching machines about morality. Yeah, you heard that right. While I’m here deciding whether it’s ethical to drink the last of my roommate’s bourbon (sorry Dave, desperate times), they’re trying to program computers to be our moral compass.

The whole thing reads like a bad joke I’d hear at O’Malley’s at 2 AM. These Duke professors got a fat check to create what they’re calling a “moral GPS.” Because apparently, regular GPS wasn’t confusing enough when you’re three sheets to the wind, now they want one that’ll judge your life choices too.

Teaching Your AI to Fetch Words Like a Drunk Lab Partner

Christ, my head is pounding. Three fingers of bourbon for breakfast probably didn’t help, but neither did reading this latest masterpiece of tech optimism about making ChatGPT your “writing assistant.” Let me tell you something about writing assistants - the best ones come in bottles labeled “Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey.”

But here I am, chain-smoking my way through another piece about how AI will make us better writers. Because that’s exactly what Hemingway needed - a chatbot to tell him his sentences were too short.

Digital Gods and Binary Prayers: The Coming Storm of Superintelligent AI

Listen, I’ve been staring at this bourbon glass for the past hour trying to make sense of Sam Altman’s latest prophecy about superintelligent AI. You know the type - clean-cut tech prophet in a perfectly pressed t-shirt worth more than my monthly bar tab, telling us we’re just a few thousand days away from machines that’ll make Einstein look like a kindergartener eating paste.

Here’s the thing though - and I hate admitting this while nursing my fourth Wild Turkey - they might actually be onto something this time.

Teaching Robots to Whisper Sweet Mathematical Nothings

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing today. My head’s still throbbing from last night’s exploration of that new bourbon Billy got in at O’Malley’s. But then this gem of a story landed in my inbox, and well, here we are – me, nursing a hangover with coffee that tastes like motor oil, writing about machines learning to sweet talk each other.

Microsoft, in their infinite wisdom, has decided that English isn’t good enough for their AI chatbots anymore. They’ve invented something called “Droidspeak” – yeah, like in Star Wars, because apparently we’re living in George Lucas’s wet dream now. And the funny part? They’re dead serious about it.