The Great AI Small Business Con Job: A Booze-Soaked Reality Check

Listen, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon and just read another steaming pile of PR nonsense about how small businesses are supposedly going AI-crazy. According to the usual suspects - Verizon, Salesforce, and their corporate chorus line - every mom-and-pop shop from here to Hoboken is apparently running on robot brain power.

What a load of horse shit.

Let me tell you what’s really happening out there, because unlike these survey-wielding suits, I actually talk to small business owners. Usually at 2 AM at places like O’Malley’s Bar & Grill, where Mike the owner still can’t figure out how to program his digital thermostat, let alone implement machine learning algorithms.

Digital Snake Oil and Tinkerbell's Last Dance

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Three fingers of bourbon might help me make sense of this latest tech hysteria. There we go. Better now.

Listen up, you digital dreamers and code warriors. While you’ve been busy circle-jerking about artificial intelligence saving humanity, I’ve been watching this show from my favorite barstool, and let me tell you - it’s the same old song and dance, just with fancier footwork.

You know what AI reminds me of? That time at O’Malley’s when Jimmy swore he could fly after his eighth shot of tequila. We all believed him right up until gravity had its say. The bouncer’s still telling that story.

AI in 2025: Pour Me Another Round of Digital Snake Oil

Listen, I’ve been staring at this AI forecast report for the past three hours, nursing my fourth bourbon, and I gotta tell you - it reads like a tech evangelist’s wet dream written by someone who’s never had their code fail at 3 AM while the servers are burning.

Let’s break this shit down, shall we?

First up, we’ve got OpenAI valued at $150 billion. That’s billion with a ‘B’, folks. You know what else was once valued at astronomical numbers? My baseball card collection in 1989. Last I checked, those cards are worth about as much as my liver after two decades of dedicated research into Kentucky’s finest exports.

AI Bullshit and Empty Suits: Another CEO's Magical Thinking

Listen, I’ve been through enough tech hype cycles to know when someone’s trying to sell me oceanfront property in Arizona. Right now, I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, watching another tech CEO perform the time-honored dance of “AI will save us all” while reality tells a different story.

Klarna’s CEO Sebastian Siemiatkowski (try saying that three times fast after a bottle of Jack) recently went on Bloomberg TV claiming his company “stopped hiring” thanks to AI. The kicker? They’ve got over 50 job openings right now. That’s one hell of a way to stop hiring, chief.

The Bullshit Factory's Latest Product Line: AI Promises

Christ, my head is pounding. Four fingers of bourbon might’ve been three too many last night, but these press releases aren’t going to read themselves. Speaking of headaches, let me tell you about the latest circle jerk happening in the executive suites across America.

Remember when your ex promised they’d changed? That’s what these AI announcements feel like. AWS and Microsoft are competing to see who can spray more AI cologne on their same old products. AWS’s re:Invent conference turned into a confetti cannon of AI buzzwords, and Microsoft, not to be outdone, announced their “12 Days of OpenAI” - because apparently, we needed an AI advent calendar.

From ChatGPT Kool-Aid to Agent Orange: The Next Big Nothing

Listen up, you beautiful disasters. It’s 3 AM, and I’ve just finished reading Marc Benioff’s latest sermon while nursing my fourth bourbon of the night. The gospel according to Saint Marc has spoken: ChatGPT was just Jesus juice, but now we’re all supposed to get high on “agents.”

Let me break this down for you through my whiskey-tinted glasses.

Remember last year when everyone was losing their minds over ChatGPT? Corporate suits were practically wet-dreaming about replacing their entire workforce with a chatbot that couldn’t tell its digital ass from its algorithmic elbow. Well, guess what? Benioff - yeah, that guy who runs Salesforce and probably hasn’t had to expense-report a drink since 1999 - just admitted what anyone with half a functioning liver could’ve told you: We all got drunk on the ChatGPT Kool-Aid.

The Great AI Circle Jerk (And Why We're All Getting Screwed)

Here I am, three fingers of bourbon deep at 4 AM, trying to make sense of the latest tech bullshit tornado. You know the kind - where every suit with a PowerPoint deck is claiming they’ve discovered digital Jesus in the form of AI.

Remember last year? AI was supposedly bigger than nuclear fusion, the wheel, and free pornography combined. Hell, Microsoft got so worked up they’re trying to restart Three Mile Island. Because nothing says “trust our judgment” like firing up a nuclear disaster site to power your chatbots.