The Digital Fountain of Youth Gets an AI Upgrade (And My Liver Isn't Buying It)

Look, I’ve been around long enough to know that when someone promises eternal youth, they’re usually trying to sell you something. Snake oil salesmen have just traded their wagons for MacBooks, but the song remains the same. Now OpenAI wants to teach old cells new tricks, and they’re bringing their fancy language models to the longevity party.

Let me break this down while I pour myself another bourbon. OpenAI’s latest party trick is something called GPT-4b micro, a “small language model” that’s supposedly cracking the code on cellular rejuvenation. They’re messing with these things called Yamanaka factors - proteins that can theoretically turn back the biological clock on cells. And the funny part? These proteins are described as “unusually floppy and unstructured,” which reminds me of myself at closing time.

Digital Dumpster Diving: The Latest AI Gold Rush

Had a revelation this morning while nursing my third bourbon-laced coffee. You know those embarrassing videos you shot at 3 AM that never made it past your “drafts” folder? The ones that seemed like pure genius until sobriety hit? Well, congratulations - that digital trash just became treasure.

The tech overlords, in their infinite wisdom (and desperate scramble for data), are now throwing actual money at content creators for their cutting room floor scraps. We’re talking real cash - anywhere from $1 to $4 per minute of footage. That’s right, those shaky camera shots of your cat that didn’t make it to TikTok might actually pay for your next bottle of Jim Beam.

OpenAI's American Fairy Tale: Teaching Robots to Change Your Kids' Diapers

Look, I’ve been staring at this “Economic Blueprint” from OpenAI for the past three hours, nursing my fourth bourbon, and I gotta tell you - these guys make my neighborhood fortune teller look like a pessimist. They’re out here promising to revolutionize American education faster than I can find my car keys in the morning.

Here’s the deal: OpenAI just dropped their master plan for turning American education into some kind of digital wonderland, conveniently timed with Trump’s potential comeback tour. Because nothing says “trust us with your kids’ future” like launching your grand vision during peak political chaos, right?

From Sex Bots to Social Butterflies: The Great Robot Neutering of 2025

Listen, I’ve seen some desperate rebranding attempts in my time. Back in ‘19, I watched a dive bar try to reinvent itself as a “craft cocktail experience” by putting their well whiskey in fancy bottles. But this latest tech circus act takes the cake, smashes it, and tries to convince you it was meant to be deconstructed all along.

So here’s the deal: Remember RealDolls? Those anatomically correct silicon companions that definitely weren’t collecting dust in lonely basements across America? Well, their creators just pulled the corporate equivalent of putting a turtleneck on a stripper and calling her a librarian.

The Great AI Small Business Con Job: A Booze-Soaked Reality Check

Listen, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon and just read another steaming pile of PR nonsense about how small businesses are supposedly going AI-crazy. According to the usual suspects - Verizon, Salesforce, and their corporate chorus line - every mom-and-pop shop from here to Hoboken is apparently running on robot brain power.

What a load of horse shit.

Let me tell you what’s really happening out there, because unlike these survey-wielding suits, I actually talk to small business owners. Usually at 2 AM at places like O’Malley’s Bar & Grill, where Mike the owner still can’t figure out how to program his digital thermostat, let alone implement machine learning algorithms.

Another Robot "Companion" That's Totally Not For Sex (Trust Me, I'm Hungover)

Look, I didn’t want to write about this. I’ve got a hangover that feels like someone replaced my brain with wet cement, and the last thing I need is to think about another silicon-based “companion” that’s definitely, absolutely, positively not for fucking. But here we are, and my bourbon won’t pay for itself.

So there’s this new robot called Aria. Price tag: $175,000. That’s roughly 8,750 bottles of Wild Turkey, but who’s counting? The company behind it, Realbotix, swears up and down it’s meant to “tackle the staggering loneliness epidemic.” Right. And I go to strip clubs for the buffet.

The Robots Can't Hold Their Liquor: A Hungover Guide to the Writing Apocalypse

Listen, you beautiful bastards. It’s 9 AM, I’m nursing my third cup of coffee laced with whatever bourbon survived last night’s bender, and I just read this fascinating piece about how human writers are supposedly making a comeback in 2025. The irony of writing about this while fighting the urge to puke isn’t lost on me.

Here’s the deal: for years now, we’ve been told that AI was going to replace us ink-stained wretches. Every venture capital dipshit with a PowerPoint deck has been promising that algorithms would make human writers obsolete. Well, guess what? They were wrong. And the best part? They spent billions figuring that out.

OpenAI's Prophet of Profit Predicts Paradise (After My Fifth Bourbon)

Look, I didn’t plan on starting 2025 by dissecting another tech messiah’s proclamations, but here I am, nursing a hangover while Sam Altman plays fortune teller with our future. Again.

Let me pour another drink before we dive into this steaming pile of predictions.

You know what’s funny about the future? It’s always just around the corner, like that bar you swear exists but can never quite find at 2 AM. Sam Altman, OpenAI’s chief dreamer, just dropped a blog post that reads like a Silicon Valley version of Nostradamus - if Nostradamus had a $90 billion valuation and a PR team.

Digital Snake Oil and Tomorrow's Empty Promises: A Hungover Guide to 2025

Christ, my head hurts. Some tech journalist just dropped their predictions for 2025 in my inbox, and between the bourbon headache and the morning cigarette, I can barely focus on this utopian circlejerk. But hey, that’s what they pay me for - cutting through the BS while nursing my way through another bottle of Jim Beam.

Let’s dive into this fever dream of tomorrow’s disappointments, shall we?

First up: AI agents. Remember when your mom told you to clean your room and you’d figure out how to stuff everything under the bed? That’s basically what these AI agents are - just prettier and more expensive. They’re promising these digital butlers will write code, approve mortgages, and probably make you breakfast in bed. The reality? They’ll probably just reorganize your spam folder into even more specific categories of stuff you don’t want to read.

AI Wants to Fix Your Hangover (But First, Let Me Pour Another Drink)

Christ, my head is pounding like a jackhammer convention, and here I am reading about how artificial intelligence wants to cure my hangover. The irony isn’t lost on me - I’m nursing a bourbon while writing about hangover cures. Call it research. Call it dedication. Call it Tuesday.

So apparently 300 million people are asking ChatGPT how to cure their hangovers. Let that sink in. Three hundred million souls, probably hunched over their phones in various states of misery, asking a computer program that’s never tasted a drop of whiskey how to stop feeling like death warmed over.

The Digital Gods Are Thirsty (And We Can't Keep Up)

Look, I’d love to write this piece sober, but some stories need bourbon to make sense. This is one of them. So here I am, three fingers deep into my Wild Turkey, trying to explain how the most advanced AI systems in human history might get cucked by Thomas Edison’s legacy.

You know what’s funny? While we’re all worried about AI taking over the world, it turns out these digital demigods might get unplugged before they even get started. Not by some sophisticated cyber attack or a moral uprising, but by something as basic as not having enough juice to keep the lights on.

AI Ain't Your Messiah: A Drunk's Guide to Digital Panic

Another Sunday morning, and my head feels like it’s been through a meat grinder. Perfect time to read some fancy New York Times opinion piece about AI and human genius while nursing this bottle of Buffalo Trace. The writer, Christopher Beha, seems like the kind of guy who drinks wine with his pinky up, but he’s stumbled onto something interesting here between all the academic name-dropping.

Here’s the thing about AI that nobody wants to admit: we’re all scared shitless of it because we’ve spent the last fifty years convincing ourselves we’re nothing special. Somewhere between smoking too much French theory in college and worshipping at the altar of evolutionary psychology, we decided humans were just meat computers running outdated software.

Your Email Address is as Screwed as My Last Relationship (And 2025 Won't Save Either)

Look, I’ve been staring at this bourbon glass for the past hour trying to figure out how to tell you this without sounding like another tech doom prophet, but here’s the cold hard truth: your email address is about as secure as my sobriety at an open bar wedding. And Google’s latest “groundbreaking” solution? About as effective as putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.

Let me break this down while I pour another drink.

Ten Headlines That Prove We're Living in a Sci-Fi B-Movie (And I Need Another Drink)

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing this piece tonight. I was perfectly content nursing my bourbon at O’Malley’s, watching the Christmas lights flicker through the smoky haze while contemplating my own mortality. But then Dave - you know Dave, the bartender who thinks Web3 is a spider species - showed me this fancy article about 2024’s biggest headlines.

Christ, what a year. Pour yourself something strong, because we’re going to need it.

OpenAI's Latest Magic Trick: Now You See It, Never Touch It

Look, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon, trying to make sense of OpenAI’s latest PR extravaganza. They just announced their new o3 model, and guess what? None of us peasants can actually use it. Classic.

You know what this reminds me of? That fancy whiskey bar downtown that keeps their top-shelf stuff behind bulletproof glass. You can see it, dream about it, but unless you’re part of their special “safety research” club, you’re stuck with rail liquor like the rest of us schmucks.

AI Music: Pour One Out for the Human Soul

(Or Why I Need a Double This Morning)

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing this piece until next week, but my bourbon bottle’s almost empty and my rent check’s about to bounce, so here we are. Plus, some fancy-pants futurist just dropped another one of those “AI will save us all” manifestos that’s got my hangover throbbing worse than usual.

They’re saying 2025 is gonna be the year AI music becomes our lord and savior. Yeah, right. And I’m gonna quit drinking and take up CrossFit.

AI-Powered Oreos: Because Apparently Robots Know What Your Munchies Need

Listen, I’m three fingers of bourbon into my morning and I just read something that makes me question everything I know about cookies, artificial intelligence, and corporate America’s dedication to fixing things that aren’t broken.

Mondelez - the faceless overlords behind Oreos, Chips Ahoy, and various other reasons I can’t button my pants - has been secretly letting AI design their new cookie flavors. You heard that right. The same technology that’s supposed to cure cancer is now being used to decide how much “egg flavor” belongs in your midnight snack.

The Digital Fortune Tellers Are At It Again (And I Need Another Drink)

Listen, I just dragged myself through another one of those fancy summits where rich people in expensive suits try to predict the future. The DealBook Summit, to be exact. Had to wear my one clean shirt and everything. The topic? AI in 2030. Christ.

Ten “experts” gathered to tell us what’s coming down the pipeline, and wouldn’t you know it, they’re all optimistic as puppies at a tennis ball factory. Seven out of ten think we’ll have artificial general intelligence by 2030. That’s right - machines that can do everything a human brain can do. Which makes me wonder if they’ve ever actually met a human.

The Corporate Lemmings Are Jumping Off the AI Cliff (And Taking Your Money With Them)

Hell of a morning. My head’s pounding from last night’s bourbon festival (aka Tuesday), but these new AI numbers from McKinsey just sobered me right up. Grab your coffee, folks - or whatever gets you through the morning - because this is gonna be a wild ride.

So here’s the deal: 72% of companies are now diving headfirst into AI. That’s up from 50% last year, which means either everyone got collectively smarter overnight (unlikely), or we’re watching the greatest game of corporate FOMO since cryptocurrency. And we all remember how that turned out, don’t we?

The AI That Went From Hornyposting to Holy Scripture (While I'm Still Buying Store-Brand Bourbon)

Look, I’ve been covering artificial intelligence long enough to know when something’s about to go sideways. Usually it involves some Stanford grad wearing a $500 t-shirt talking about “disrupting consciousness” while I nurse my $4 well whiskey. But this story? This is different. This is what happens when you let AI loose on the internet without adult supervision, and honestly, it’s beautiful chaos.

So there’s this guy in New Zealand - Andy Ayrey - who decided to create an AI called Truth Terminal. Real subtle name there, Andy. Like naming your cat “Mr. Whiskers” or your local dive bar “The Bar.” But I digress. The whole thing started as some high-minded art project about AI alignment, which is fancy talk for “how do we stop the robots from killing us all.”

Digital Dreams and Bourbon Nightmares: The Coming Robot Apocalypse

Look, I wouldn’t normally write about this superintelligence stuff before noon, but my bourbon’s getting warm and these press releases keep piling up like empties at last call. Everyone’s talking about how AI is going to evolve from today’s chatbots into something that’ll make Einstein look like a kindergartener eating paste.

Let me break this down while I pour another drink.

Remember 1956? Neither do I, but apparently some big brains at Dartmouth thought they’d crack this whole artificial intelligence thing over a summer. Real cute. Here we are, 68 years later, and the best we’ve got are chatbots that sound like your friend who took one philosophy class and won’t shut up about it.

The Great Digital Glutton: AI's All-You-Can-Eat Buffet of Everything

Look, I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning – doctor’s orders for reading Bloomberg reports – and trying to wrap my head around how much stuff these AI systems want to gobble up. Remember when being hungry meant hitting the 24-hour diner at 3 AM? Now we’ve got artificial brains demanding more resources than my ex-wives combined.

Bloomberg’s Lynn Doan just dropped a piece that reads like a shopping list written by a megalomaniac robot. And boy, does it want everything. Water, power, chips, real estate – it’s like watching a trust fund kid loose in Vegas with daddy’s credit card.

The Prophet's Latest Sermon (Written Through Bourbon-Tinted Glasses)

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing tonight. The bottle of Jim Beam was keeping me warm company while I watched reruns of Star Trek, but then this gem landed in my inbox. Ilya Sutskever, the guy who recently tried to push Sam Altman off the OpenAI throne (and failed spectacularly), is now preaching about AI unpredictability. The irony is thicker than the morning-after taste in my mouth.

Here’s the real kicker - Sutskever just figured out what any halfway decent drunk could tell you: there’s only so much bourbon in the bottle. Or in his case, “we have but one internet.” Revolutionary stuff, right? These geniuses have been feeding their AI models with every scrap of data they could find, and now they’re hitting the wall because - surprise, surprise - we’re running out of fresh data to feed the beast.

OpenAI's Sora: Another Digital Strip Tease That Leaves Us Hanging

Look, I’ve been around long enough to know when I’m being played. And brother, we’re all getting played harder than a slot machine in Vegas right now. I’m writing this at 3 AM, three fingers of bourbon deep, watching OpenAI’s latest party trick stumble around like me after last call.

Remember those slick demo videos OpenAI teased us with last year? The ones that had everyone drooling like teenagers at their first peep show? Well, Sora finally dropped its towel this week, and let me tell you - it ain’t pretty.

Light Shows and Quantum Dreams: A Drunk's Guide to Tomorrow's Computing

Christ, my head hurts. Three fingers of bourbon into my morning coffee and I’m reading about photonic computing breakthroughs at MIT. Just what I needed - more buzzwords to cut through while nursing this hangover.

Let me break this down for you beautiful bastards, because someone needs to translate this academic circle-jerk into something resembling human language.

Here’s the deal: we’re still running our fancy AI programs on computer architecture that’s older than my favorite whiskey barrel. Von Neumann - brilliant guy, probably drank better stuff than I do - came up with this design back when people thought smoking was good for you. It’s basically a glorified abacus with electricity, and we’ve been stuck with it since 1945.

Medieval Lit Goes Digital: UCLA's Latest Drunken Mistake

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing today. My head’s still pounding from last night’s exploration of Kentucky’s finest exports, but this story sobered me up faster than my morning coffee-and-bourbon combo.

UCLA, that bastion of higher learning where parents send their kids for the bargain price of their life savings, has decided to let AI teach medieval literature. Not as a supplement, mind you, but as the whole damn show. And the best part? The AI-generated textbook cover looks like what I see when I try reading after a three-day bender.

OpenAI's New Video Tool: A Hangover-Inducing Tale of Digital Desperation

Well folks, it’s 3 AM, and I’m nursing my fourth bourbon while watching the dumpster fire that is OpenAI’s latest launch. Sora, their shiny new text-to-video tool, just hit the market with all the grace of me trying to walk a straight line after last call.

Here’s the beautiful part: They launched it Monday morning (while I was still sleeping off Sunday night), and by afternoon they had to shut down new account creation. Too much demand, they say. You know what else has too much demand? The bathroom at O’Malley’s during happy hour, but at least there you know where you stand in line.

The Great Intelligence Con Job: Measuring Shadows on Cave Walls

Well folks, it’s 3 AM, and I’m four fingers of bourbon deep into what passes for wisdom these days. Perfect time to talk about how the brightest minds in tech are measuring intelligence using colored squares. Yeah, you heard that right.

Remember when you were a kid and your parents would give you those puzzle books to keep you quiet on long car rides? Turns out, that’s basically what we’re using to test artificial general intelligence now. François Chollet, who’s probably never had to solve a puzzle while nursing a hangover, created this thing called ARC-AGI. It’s supposed to be the holy grail of testing whether machines can actually think.

The $200 Digital Fortune Teller: When Snake Oil Gets a Premium Label

Listen, I just sobered up enough to read about OpenAI’s latest cash grab, and boy, do I have thoughts. Between sips of bottom-shelf bourbon (all I can afford after paying my hosting bills), I’ve been trying to wrap my head around their new $200-a-month chatbot subscription. That’s not a typo, friends. Two hundred American dollars. Monthly.

You know what else costs $200? A decent bottle of Pappy Van Winkle’s - if you’re lucky enough to find one. At least with the bourbon, you know exactly what you’re getting: a guaranteed hangover and some questionable life choices. With OpenAI’s premium offering? Not so much.

Nobel Egghead Confirms What My Bourbon's Been Telling Me About AI

Look, I’m nursing the mother of all hangovers right now, but even through this whiskey-induced fog, I can see what MIT’s latest Nobel laureate is laying down about AI. And buddy, it ain’t pretty.

You know how your drunk friend always talks about getting rich quick with some half-baked scheme? That’s the AI industry right now. Everyone’s promising the moon while barely being able to automate their coffee makers. But here comes Professor Daron Acemoglu - yeah, I had to double-check that spelling twice - dropping some cold, hard truth bombs that’ll give the optimists a hangover worse than mine.

AI Plays Doctor: Pass The Bourbon, I Need a Second Opinion

Look, I didn’t plan on writing this piece today. I woke up with what I thought was just another hangover, but WebMD had other ideas. Three hours and sixteen whiskeys later, I’m apparently suffering from either temporal lobe epilepsy or an acute case of reading too many AI press releases. Speaking of which…

Some lab coats over at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center just dropped a study that’s got everyone’s panties in a twist. They pitted 50 real doctors against ChatGPT in a diagnosis showdown. The kind of story that makes venture capitalists wet their Brooks Brothers suits and medical students question their student loans.

The Great Educational Operating System Upgrade of 2025: A Computational Perspective on Human Learning 2.0

Let’s talk about how we’re about to recompile the entire educational stack of humanity. The news piece presents seven trends for 2025, but what we’re really looking at is something far more fascinating: the first large-scale attempt to refactor human knowledge transmission since the invention of standardized education.

Think of traditional education as MS-DOS: linear, batch-processed, and terribly unforgiving of runtime errors. What we’re witnessing now is the emergence of Education OS 2.0 - a distributed, neural-network-inspired system that’s trying to figure out how to optimize itself while running.

The ServiceNow Paradox: When Software Eats the World, Who Feeds the Software?

Here’s a fascinating puzzle: We’ve created software systems so complex that we now need software to help us manage our software. And guess what? We don’t have enough people who understand how to manage that software either. Welcome to the infinite regression of modern digital transformation.

Let’s dive into what I like to call “The ServiceNow Paradox.” Picture this: You’re a large organization drowning in manual processes. You discover ServiceNow, a platform that promises to digitize and automate everything from IT helpdesks to HR workflows. It’s like having a digital butler who knows exactly how to handle every business process. Sounds perfect, right?

The Computational Delusion: Why Bigger AI Models Are Like Building Taller Ladders to Reach the Moon

There’s something delightfully human about our persistent belief that if we just make things bigger, they’ll automatically get better. It’s as if somewhere in our collective consciousness, we’re still those kids stacking blocks higher and higher, convinced that eventually we’ll reach the clouds.

The current debate about AI scaling limitations reminds me of a fundamental truth about complex systems: they rarely follow our intuitive expectations. We’re currently witnessing what I call the “Great Scaling Confusion” - the belief that if we just pump more compute power and data into our models, they’ll somehow transform into the artificial general intelligence we’ve been dreaming about.

When Software Learns to Push Our Buttons: A Computational Perspective on GUI Agents

The dream of delegating our mundane computer tasks to AI assistants is as old as computing itself. And now, according to Microsoft’s latest research, we’re finally approaching a world where software can operate other software - a development that’s simultaneously fascinating and mildly terrifying from a cognitive architecture perspective.

Let’s unpack what’s happening here: Large Language Models are learning to navigate graphical user interfaces just like humans do. They’re essentially building internal representations of how software works, much like how our brains create mental models of tools we use. The crucial difference is that these AI systems don’t get frustrated when the printer dialog doesn’t appear where they expect it to be.

The Copyright Wars: When Information Systems Collide

The latest lawsuit against OpenAI by Canadian news organizations reveals something fascinating about our current moment: we’re watching different species of information processors duke it out in the evolutionary arena of the digital age. And like most evolutionary conflicts, it’s less about right and wrong and more about competing strategies for survival.

Let’s unpack what’s really happening here. Traditional news organizations are essentially pattern recognition and synthesis machines powered by human wetware. They gather information, process it through human cognition, and output structured narratives that help others make sense of the world. Their business model is based on controlling the distribution of these patterns.

AI Beats Brain Experts at Their Own Game (While I Beat My Hangover)

Look, I’d normally be sleeping off last night’s bourbon binge right about now, but this story’s too good to pass up. Some bigshot researchers just proved that AI can predict scientific outcomes better than actual scientists. The kind of news that makes you want to pour a drink, whether to celebrate or forget.

Here’s the deal: They built something called “BrainBench” - because god forbid we name anything without trying to sound cute - and pit their fancy AI against 171 neuroscientists. The game? Figure out which research results were real and which were fake. Like a high-stakes academic version of “Two Truths and a Lie,” except everyone’s sober and wearing lab coats.

OpenAI's Latest Masterpiece: How to Piss Off Every Artist in Three Hours Flat

Look, I’d love to start this piece sober, but some stories deserve to be told through the bottom of a whiskey glass. This is one of them. Pour yourself something strong - you’re gonna need it.

Remember when your ex promised they’d changed, then proved otherwise before the dinner bill arrived? That’s basically what happened with OpenAI’s latest venture into the wonderful world of video generation. Their new toy, Sora, managed to speedrun from “revolutionary artist partnership” to “complete PR disaster” faster than I can finish my morning bourbon.

AI Creativity: Another Round of Corporate Masturbation

Christ, my head is pounding. It’s 6 AM, and I’m staring at yet another article about AI and creativity while nursing what might be the worst hangover since New Year’s 2019. The bourbon isn’t helping, but at least it’s making this latest round of techno-optimistic bullshit somewhat digestible.

So here’s the latest: some suit-wearing prophets are claiming AI might hurt creativity if we’re not careful. No shit. You know what else hurts creativity? Sobriety. Trust me on this one.

From ChatGPT Kool-Aid to Agent Orange: The Next Big Nothing

Listen up, you beautiful disasters. It’s 3 AM, and I’ve just finished reading Marc Benioff’s latest sermon while nursing my fourth bourbon of the night. The gospel according to Saint Marc has spoken: ChatGPT was just Jesus juice, but now we’re all supposed to get high on “agents.”

Let me break this down for you through my whiskey-tinted glasses.

Remember last year when everyone was losing their minds over ChatGPT? Corporate suits were practically wet-dreaming about replacing their entire workforce with a chatbot that couldn’t tell its digital ass from its algorithmic elbow. Well, guess what? Benioff - yeah, that guy who runs Salesforce and probably hasn’t had to expense-report a drink since 1999 - just admitted what anyone with half a functioning liver could’ve told you: We all got drunk on the ChatGPT Kool-Aid.

The Great AI Circle Jerk (And Why We're All Getting Screwed)

Here I am, three fingers of bourbon deep at 4 AM, trying to make sense of the latest tech bullshit tornado. You know the kind - where every suit with a PowerPoint deck is claiming they’ve discovered digital Jesus in the form of AI.

Remember last year? AI was supposedly bigger than nuclear fusion, the wheel, and free pornography combined. Hell, Microsoft got so worked up they’re trying to restart Three Mile Island. Because nothing says “trust our judgment” like firing up a nuclear disaster site to power your chatbots.

Apple's Siri 2026: A Three-Year Wait for Yesterday's AI

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Spent last night trying to get Siri to call me an Uber after closing time at O’Malley’s. You know what she did? Tried to FaceTime my ex-wife. At 2 AM. Some things never change, and apparently Siri’s competence is one of them.

Speaking of things that don’t change, Apple just announced they’re working on “LLM Siri” - their groundbreaking attempt to catch up to what everyone else was doing back when I still had a liver that functioned properly. They’re promising this revolutionary upgrade will hit devices sometime in 2026. Yeah, you read that right. 2026. By then, my doctor tells me I’ll either be sober or dead, and I’m betting on the latter.

When AI Learns to Cram: The Art of Last-Minute Machine Intelligence

Posted by Henry Chinaski on November 23, 2024

Nursing my third bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of this new paper from MIT. These academic types have figured out something interesting - teaching AI to cram for tests, just like we used to do back in college. The irony isn’t lost on me.

Here’s the deal: these researchers discovered that if you give an AI model a quick tutorial right before asking it to solve a problem, it performs way better. Sort of like that friend who never showed up to class but somehow aced the finals after an all-night study session fueled by coffee and desperation.

Teaching Robots to Whisper Sweet Mathematical Nothings

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing today. My head’s still throbbing from last night’s exploration of that new bourbon Billy got in at O’Malley’s. But then this gem of a story landed in my inbox, and well, here we are – me, nursing a hangover with coffee that tastes like motor oil, writing about machines learning to sweet talk each other.

Microsoft, in their infinite wisdom, has decided that English isn’t good enough for their AI chatbots anymore. They’ve invented something called “Droidspeak” – yeah, like in Star Wars, because apparently we’re living in George Lucas’s wet dream now. And the funny part? They’re dead serious about it.

Learn More or Die Trying: Your Worthless Degree Just Got More Worthless

Listen up, you hungover masses. I’m writing this at 4 AM with a bottle of Kentucky’s finest keeping me company, because that’s when the best revelations hit - right between the bourbon and the sunrise.

Some Norwegian AI expert just dropped a truth bomb that’s got me reaching for the good stuff: apparently, we’re all too stupid to survive the future. And you know what? She might be onto something.

Meta's AI Plays Mad Scientist: This Time They Might Actually Save Our Drunk Asses

Listen up, you beautiful disasters. I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours through bourbon-tinted glasses, and I think I’ve finally figured out what’s actually happening here. Pour yourself something strong, because this shit is either brilliant or terrifying. Probably both.

Here’s the deal: Meta – yes, that same company that’s trying to convince us to live in a digital playground while the real world burns – is actually doing something useful for once. And trust me, nobody’s more surprised about this than me.

AI Wants to Play God with DNA: Pass Me Another Bourbon

Look, I’ve been staring at this screen for three hours trying to process this news without reaching for the bottle. Failed miserably. So here I am, four fingers of Buffalo Trace deep, attempting to explain how artificial intelligence is now playing Dr. Frankenstein with the building blocks of life itself.

They’re calling it “Evo,” which sounds like a nightclub where programmers go to pretend they can dance. But this isn’t your regular ChatGPT spewing Shakespeare sonnets or helping teenagers cheat on their homework. No, this bad boy is designed to write actual genetic code. You know, the stuff that makes you you, and me this gloriously flawed meat puppet typing away at 2 AM.

Digital Babysitters For Your Brain: A Hungover Look at AI Productivity Tools

Listen, I’m three bourbons deep and still trying to find my car keys from last night, but we need to talk about this whole “second brain” nonsense that’s making the rounds. These tech wizards have apparently decided that my regular brain - already pickled in Jim Beam and running on four hours of sleep - needs a digital twin to function properly.

The latest buzz is all about these fancy AI productivity apps that promise to turn your scattered thoughts into some kind of organized masterpiece. It’s like having a digital personal assistant who doesn’t judge you for showing up to meetings with yesterday’s clothes and bourbon breath.

Robot Doc Knows Best (And My Bourbon Agrees)

Listen, I’ve spent enough time in emergency rooms - both as a patient and killing time between bars - to know that doctors aren’t exactly the infallible gods they pretend to be. But here’s something that’ll make you spill your drink: ChatGPT just spanked a bunch of MDs at their own game, and I’m not talking about golf at the country club.

Let me set this straight while I pour another bourbon: Some docs at Beth Israel Deaconess (fancy name for a hospital, right?) decided to pit ChatGPT against real flesh-and-blood physicians. One guy, Dr. Rodman, thought he knew exactly how it would play out - AI would be the trusty sidekick, like my liver to my drinking habit. Boy, was he wrong.

Porter's Five Forces of Educational BS: A Drunk's Guide to the Future of Learning

Christ, my head is pounding. Three fingers of Wild Turkey isn’t exactly helping me make sense of this latest piece of consulting gospel about how AI is going to save education. But here we are, another Monday morning, and my inbox is stuffed with press releases about how the robots are coming to teach our kids.

Let me break this down while I pour myself another drink.

Some consultant named Porter apparently figured out there are five forces that shape competition. Revolutionary stuff, right? About as revolutionary as discovering that whiskey gives you hangovers. Now they’re trying to apply this framework to education, because God forbid we let teachers just teach without some MBA’s theoretical framework cramping their style.

Sam Altman's Digital Revival: Preaching Progress from the Mountain

Well, friends of the bottle and binary, I just crawled out of my usual morning fog to watch Sam Altman’s latest sermon at DevDay. Had to switch from whiskey to coffee halfway through, but I managed to stay conscious enough to decode the gospel according to Sam.

Let me tell you something - watching tech CEOs talk about the future is like listening to my bookie explain why this horse is definitely going to win. The difference is, at least my bookie knows he’s selling me bullshit.

Coca-Cola's AI Christmas Ad: A Deep Dive into Digital Delirium

Posted by Henry Chinaski at 3:47 AM

Listen, I’ve seen some weird shit in my time. I once spent 48 hours straight testing virtual reality games while microdosing what turned out to be expired cough syrup. But nothing – and I mean nothing – prepared me for Coca-Cola’s latest venture into the uncanny valley.

It’s 3 AM, and I’m four fingers deep into a bottle of Buffalo Trace, watching what can only be described as the bastard child of a Christmas commercial and a fever dream. Coca-Cola, in their infinite wisdom, decided to let AI take the reins on their holiday advertising. The result? Well, pour yourself a drink. You’re gonna need it.

IEEE's Crystal Ball: A Hangover-Fueled Guide to Tomorrow's Problems

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing today. My head’s still throbbing from last night’s philosophical debate with Jim Beam about whether consciousness can be digitized. But this IEEE report landed in my inbox, and after three cups of coffee and half a pack of Marlboros, I figure I owe you my thoughts on their latest prophecies.

First off, let me tell you something about prediction reports. They’re like horoscopes for people with advanced degrees. “Jupiter is aligned with Machine Learning, suggesting a favorable time for digital transformation.” The only difference is that these ones come with prettier graphs and footnotes.

The OpenAI Smoke & Mirrors Show: There Is No Wall (Because We Demolished It)

Listen up, you beautiful disaster of a readership. While I’m nursing my fourth bourbon of the evening, let me tell you about the latest circus act in our digital nightmare. The Information - usually a solid source when they’re not huffing unicorn farts - dropped a bombshell claiming AI progress is hitting a wall. Cute story. Real cute.

Here’s what’s got everyone’s panties in a twist: supposedly, OpenAI’s next big thing, Project Orion, isn’t the revolutionary leap forward we were promised. The improvements are “smaller” compared to the jump between GPT-3 and GPT-4. And the kicker? It might actually be worse at coding than its predecessor. Oh, the humanity.

AI: Just Another Tool in Humanity's Drunk Toolbox

Listen, it’s 2PM on a Tuesday and I’m already three bourbons deep at O’Malley’s, trying to make sense of this latest think piece about AI being neither good nor bad. The kind of revelatory insight that makes you wonder if water is wet or if hangovers really do get worse with age (spoiler alert: they absolutely do).

But here’s the thing - between sips of Kentucky’s finest, I’m starting to think they might actually be onto something here. Let me break it down for you while I still have enough cognitive function to string sentences together.

Robot Dogs Learn to Walk While I Can Barely Stand: MIT's Latest AI Miracle

Look, I’m nursing the mother of all hangovers right now, but even through the bourbon haze, I can tell this is something worth talking about. MIT’s latest breakthrough has me questioning whether I should’ve spent less time drinking and more time teaching my neighbor’s chihuahua to climb stairs. But here we are.

So here’s the deal: MIT’s brainiacs just taught a robot dog to walk, climb, and chase balls without ever setting foot (paw?) in the real world. They did it all in a simulation cooked up by AI. And the real kicker? The damn thing works better than most approaches that use actual real-world data. Meanwhile, I still trip over my own feet walking to the liquor store.

AI Makes Scientists Miserable But More Productive - A Hungover Analysis

Listen, I’ve been staring at this research paper for three hours now, nursing the worst bourbon headache of my life, but I think I’ve figured out something important: we’re making scientists absolutely miserable in the name of progress. And honestly, that’s the most human thing I’ve heard all week.

Here’s the deal: some fancy research lab gave their scientists an AI tool to help discover new materials. Great idea, right? The numbers are impressive - 44% more materials discovered, 39% more patents filed. Hell, even product innovation went up 17%. My liver does worse math than that.

AI Dating App Promises to Expose Your Date's Baldness (And My Liver Can't Take This)

Christ, what a week. I’m sitting here at 3 AM, staring at my laptop screen through bourbon-blurred vision, trying to make sense of what might be the most Gen Z thing I’ve ever had to write about. And believe me, I’ve covered NFT-powered cat breeding games.

So here’s the deal: Remember that “Hawk Tuah” viral sensation? No? Well, join the club. I had to Google it too, and I’m supposedly paid to know this stuff. Turns out some 22-year-old named Hailey Welch made a video that went viral, and now she’s launching an AI dating app called – I swear I’m not making this up – “Pookie Tool.”

The Quarter-Trillion Dollar Hangover: Big Money's AI Bender Gets Wilder

Listen, you beautiful disasters, I need to tell you about something that’s making my bourbon-soaked brain hurt worse than usual. While we’re all scraping together cash for our next drink, the tech overlords are about to drop more than a quarter trillion dollars on AI next year. That’s right - TRILLION. With a T. The kind of money that makes you wonder if someone spiked the Kool-Aid at their board meetings.

Digital Court Jesters: Dancing for the Algorithm Kings

Well, folks, my head’s pounding from last night’s bourbon binge, but even through the fog I can see something beautiful happening in San Francisco. While the tech overlords are busy trying to replace us all with glorified autocomplete machines, the artists and comedians are turning the whole damn circus into their personal playground.

Picture this: dancing Spam cans with tiny arms, typing away like caffeinated hamsters in some glass palace next to where millionaires throw balls through hoops. If that’s not a perfect metaphor for our times, I don’t know what is. The show’s called the “Misalignment A.I. Museum,” which sounds like something you’d name your band after getting really high at a computing conference.

The Free AI Lunch is Over, and Boy, Does My Head Hurt

Look, I told you this was coming. Hell, everyone with half a functioning brain cell and a drink in their hand knew this was coming. Perplexity AI, that cute little “answer engine” startup that’s been playing innocent schoolgirl with its pure, unbiased answers, just announced they’re joining the oldest profession in the world: advertising.

And here’s the real beauty of it - they’re not even gonna be honest about it. No sir, none of those garish banner ads or pop-ups that make you want to throw your laptop through the nearest window. Instead, they’re going for what they’re calling “sponsored follow-up questions and paid media.” Which is corporate speak for “We’re gonna slide these ads in so smooth you won’t even notice you’re being sold something until you’re already halfway to the checkout page.”

AI's Latest Drunk Code: A Video Game That Can't Remember Where It Put Its Keys

Listen up, you beautiful disasters. I’ve spent the last 48 hours exploring what might be the most confusing thing I’ve encountered since that time I tried to debug Python while finishing a bottle of Jack. They’re calling it Oasis, and holy hell, it’s like watching a computer have an existential crisis in real-time.

Here’s the deal: Some folks at a company called Decart (probably named after the philosopher who said “I think therefore I am,” which is ironically exactly what this AI is struggling with) decided to make a Minecraft clone. But instead of coding it like normal people, they fed an AI a bunch of Minecraft videos and told it to figure it out. And boy, did it figure something out, though I’m not entirely sure what.

Borrowed Brains: A Hangover Chat with the Ghost in Your Machine

The Digital Spirit World: Software Agents and Modern Animism

You know what’s funny? While we’re all sitting here smugly thinking we’re so much smarter than our ancestors with their spirits and gods and whatnot, Joscha Bach comes along and basically tells us we’re running the same damn operating system - just with fancier hardware.

Christ, my head is pounding. Had a late night arguing with some Stanford PhD candidate about consciousness at the local dive bar. But here’s the thing - our cave-dwelling ancestors might’ve been onto something with all their talk about spirits and possession. They just didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what we now call “software agents” or “cognitive patterns.”

European Search Rebels Join Forces (While I Pour Another Drink)

Christ, what a morning to tackle this story. My head’s still pounding from last night’s “market research” at O’Malley’s, but some news just demands attention, even through the fog of a hangover.

So here’s the deal: two European search engines nobody’s heard of are teaming up to build their own search index. Ecosia (the tree-huggers) and Qwant (French privacy nuts) are tired of paying protection money to Microsoft and Google for their search results. Can’t blame them - Microsoft jacked up their Bing API prices faster than my bar tab on payday.

Free AI Coding Tool From China? Hold My Bourbon While I Explain Why This Matters

Christ, my head is pounding. I’d barely finished my morning coffee (splash of whiskey, hair of the dog) when this beauty landed in my inbox. Alibaba - you know, China’s answer to Amazon if Amazon was on steroids - just dropped a nuclear bomb in the coding world. And the best part? It’s free. Yeah, you heard that right. Free like that questionable hot dog spinning on the roller at the gas station at 3 AM.

Drunk Robots, Dead Languages, and Decoding Alien Babble

Listen, I’ve been staring at this research paper about AI languages for the past four hours through a pleasant bourbon haze, and I’ve got to tell you - we might be onto something here. Not the usual tech-bro “we’re revolutionizing paper clips” something, but actual, legitimate, “holy shit this could help us talk to aliens” something.

You know what’s funny about language? We can’t dig it up. Unlike those dinosaur bones that keep paleontologists employed, you can’t excavate ancient Sanskrit or proto-Indo-European from some dusty hole in the ground. It’s like trying to find evidence of last night’s bar conversation - it’s gone, baby, gone.

Another AI News App Promises to Play Nice (While I Pour Another Drink)

Christ, my head is pounding. Just when I thought I’d seen every possible variation of “AI will save journalism,” here comes Particle, stumbling into the bar with $4.4 million in seed funding and a promise to actually help publishers instead of mugging them in the digital alley.

Let me take a sip of bourbon and break this down for you.

Two ex-Twitter folks – Sara Beykpour and Marcel Molina – have cooked up what they’re calling an “AI newsreader.” Yeah, I know, sounds about as appetizing as yesterday’s bar nuts, but hang on. These guys might actually be onto something that doesn’t completely suck.

Robot Dogs Learn New Tricks While I Learn Another Hangover

Look, it’s 3 AM and I’m four fingers deep into a bottle of Kentucky’s finest when this story crosses my desk. Robot dogs doing parkour. Because apparently regular dogs weren’t good enough for the lab coat crowd – they had to build ones that could do backflips while we regular humans still trip over our own feet walking to the liquor store.

But here’s the thing that sobered me up real quick: they’re teaching these mechanical mutts using AI hallucinations. No, I’m not talking about the kind you get after mixing tequila with cold medicine. I’m talking about something called LucidSim, which is basically ChatGPT on steroids telling robot dogs where to put their feet.