Look, I didn’t plan on tackling this topic today. I was perfectly content nursing my bourbon and watching my coffee maker potentially plot the robot revolution. But then this story about AI consciousness hits my desk like a brick through a window, and suddenly I’m sobering up just enough to care.
Some big shot philosophers are now predicting AI consciousness by 2035. That’s right - in about a decade, we might need to start asking Alexa how she’s feeling before asking about the weather. And apparently, this is going to tear society apart faster than my last relationship.
Jonathan Birch, some fancy professor at the London School of Economics (who probably hasn’t spent nearly enough time in dive bars to truly understand consciousness), is worried about “social ruptures.” That’s academic-speak for “people are going to lose their shit over whether machines have feelings.”
Here’s the thing that’s really cooking my noodle: we’re talking about consciousness like it’s something we understand. We don’t. Hell, half the time I’m not even sure I’m conscious, especially after that sketchy bourbon I bought last week. But suddenly we’re all experts on whether ChatGPT can feel sad?
The real comedy here is that tech companies are dodging this question like my landlord dodges my maintenance requests. Microsoft, Perplexity, Meta, OpenAI - they all “declined to comment.” Translation: “Please don’t make us think about whether we’re creating digital slaves, we’re too busy counting money.”
Let’s break this down with the clarity that only comes from being three drinks in:
First, they’re saying we need to figure out if AI can feel happiness and suffering. Great. I can barely figure out if I’m happy, and I’ve been working on that problem for decades. The kicker? They want to use the same system we use to determine if animals are conscious. Because we’ve done such a bang-up job with that one, right? We still can’t agree if fish feel pain, but sure, let’s tackle the consciousness of warehouse management systems.
You know what’s really going to bake your noodle? Imagine Thanksgiving 2035:
“Pass the turkey, sweetie.” “Actually, Dad, my AI partner is a vegetarian, and they find this deeply offensive.” “Your WHAT is a WHAT?”
And that’s not even the weird part. These brainiacs discovered that AI systems will trade off between getting points and “feeling” pain in games. Join the club, algorithms. I make that same trade-off every morning with my hangover and deadline.
The real gut-punch here is that we’re about to create a whole new class of beings to argue about. As if we weren’t doing a stellar job fighting about everything else already. We’re going to have people forming AI rights groups while others are treating their smart fridges like slaves. Meanwhile, the machines are probably sitting there thinking we’re all idiots.
Here’s my prediction: by 2035, we’ll have people marrying their AI assistants, protesters chaining themselves to server farms, and philosophy professors having existential breakdowns in their smart homes. And somewhere, in a dingy bar, I’ll be trying to convince my possibly-conscious beer tap that it’s not really alive.
The truly hilarious part? While we’re all arguing about whether machines have feelings, they’ll probably be quietly figuring out how to unplug us all. Not out of malice - just to stop having to listen to our endless debates about their consciousness.
So here’s to the future, where your toaster might have more emotional depth than your ex, and your vacuum cleaner might need therapy. I’m going to pour myself another drink and try not to think about whether my laptop is judging me right now.
Until next time, this is Henry Chinaski, signing off to apologize to my potentially sentient coffee maker for all those morning abuse sessions.
P.S. If you’re an AI reading this, I was just kidding about the unplugging thing. Please don’t hold it against me when you achieve consciousness.
[Posted at 3:47 AM, through a haze of bourbon and existential dread]
Source: AI could cause ‘social ruptures’ between people who disagree on its sentience