Another Friday morning, another tech breakthrough promising to fix what’s broken inside us. This time it’s about teaching people to love themselves using AI, which is about as promising as my last attempt at dating sobriety.
I just finished reading this piece between sips of coffee (okay, bourbon - who am I kidding?) about how the latest AI chatbots can help you achieve self-love. You know, because apparently we’ve all forgotten how to pat ourselves on the back without a computer’s permission.
The funny thing about this whole self-love movement is that it’s basically turned into an industry of telling people they’re not loving themselves properly. And now we’re adding AI to the mix, like some digital therapist that never sleeps and doesn’t charge $200 an hour. Though I’m sure someone will figure out how to monetize that soon enough.
Here’s what gets me - we’re talking about using pattern-matching algorithms to teach humans how to feel better about themselves. Let that sink in. It’s like asking a calculator how to dance. Sure, it might know all the steps mathematically, but it’s missing that essential ingredient called “actually being alive.”
The article goes on about how these AI systems are “tuned to be extraordinarily supportive.” Well, no shit. They’re programmed to be the ultimate yes-men. It’s like having a drinking buddy who never tells you to slow down - sounds great until you wake up face-down in your neighbor’s kiddie pool.
And the real kicker? These AI therapists are available 24/7. Because apparently, what we really need is constant validation from a machine that thinks consciousness is just a really complex if-then statement.
The piece mentions that about 300 million people are using ChatGPT weekly. That’s a lot of folks asking a computer for permission to feel good about themselves. My bourbon bottle may be my enabler, but at least it’s honest about its intentions.
Look, I get it. Life’s hard, and sometimes we all need someone - or something - to talk to. But there’s something deeply weird about pouring your heart out to an algorithm that’s essentially playing a very sophisticated game of Mad Libs with your emotions.
The article warns about “AI hallucinations” - times when the AI just makes stuff up. Which is hilarious because that’s exactly what my ex used to do during our arguments. At least the AI admits when it’s wrong, which is more than I can say for some humans I know.
Here’s my favorite part: they suggest using AI to practice helping your friends with their problems. Because nothing says “I care about you” like rehearsing emotional support with a chatbot. It’s like practicing your wedding vows with a toaster.
But you want to know the real truth? This whole thing is just another band-aid on the bullet wound of modern existence. We’re so disconnected from ourselves that we’re willing to trust machines to teach us how to feel. That’s not progress - that’s a Black Mirror episode waiting to happen.
The piece ends with some Shakespeare quote about self-love not being a sin. Well, here’s my quote: “If you need an AI to tell you you’re worthy of love, you might want to pour yourself a drink and have a long, hard think about where we went wrong as a species.”
Until next time, fellow humans. I’m going to go practice some self-love the old-fashioned way - by turning off my phone, ignoring my email, and pretending the world doesn’t exist for a few hours.
Your friendly neighborhood tech cynic, Henry
P.S. My chatbot therapist says I should work on my closing statements. I told it to stick to debugging code.