Christ, my head is pounding. Three fingers of bourbon might help me process this latest load of corporate feelgood garbage that landed in my inbox this morning. Some consultant type wrote another one of those “here’s how to balance your digital life” pieces that make me want to throw my laptop through a plate glass window.
Let me tell you something about “balancing” social media and AI - it’s like trying to balance on a barstool after last call. The whole premise is fucked from the start.
These wellness prophets are out here asking if we’re “sadder because we scroll, or do we scroll because we’re sad?” Hell, I do both simultaneously, usually around 3 AM when the bourbon’s running low and my ex-wife’s new vacation photos pop up in my feed. And now they’re throwing AI into this toxic cocktail like it’s some kind of digital lime wedge that’ll make everything taste better.
You want to know what’s really happening? The same companies that got us hooked on likes and retweets are now force-feeding us AI-generated content like a digital foie gras farm. And the best part? They’re doing it while pretending to care about our “digital well-being.” That’s like your dealer giving you a pamphlet about addiction treatment with your weekly score.
Here’s what they’re not telling you about their fancy “A-framed approach” (I needed another drink just to type that with a straight face):
First up is “Awareness.” Yeah, we’re aware. We’re aware that every time we open these apps, we’re basically volunteering for psychological experiments that would’ve been illegal in the ’70s. I’m particularly aware of this at 2 AM when I’m doom-scrolling through cryptocurrency memes while nursing my fourth whiskey.
Then there’s “Appreciation.” Appreciate what? That AI can now generate fake influencers with perfect abs telling me to buy protein powder? Or that it can create content so tailored to my interests that it’s basically digital heroin? Real appreciation is what you feel for the bartender who remembers your usual without asking.
“Acceptance” comes next. Sure, I accept that I’m part of this mess. I accept it every morning when I check my phone before my eyes are fully open, like a junkie reaching for their morning fix. But acceptance doesn’t mean surrender, even though most days it feels like we’re all waving white flags at our screens.
Finally, “Accountability.” Now that’s rich. The same folks who designed these platforms to be as addictive as possible want us to be accountable for our usage. That’s like blaming the rats for getting hooked in those cocaine experiments.
Look, I’m not saying AI and social media are pure evil. They’re tools, like a bottle opener or a cigarette lighter. But these companies are selling us digital wellness the same way tobacco companies used to push “lighter” cigarettes. It’s still poison, just with better marketing.
The truth? We’re all lab rats in the biggest psychological experiment ever conducted. The maze is digital, the cheese is dopamine, and now they’ve added AI-powered electric prods to keep us moving in the right direction. And the kicker? We’re paying for the privilege with our data, our attention, and our sanity.
Here’s my “balanced approach”: Delete half your apps. Turn off notifications for the other half. When you feel the urge to scroll, pour yourself a drink instead. At least with the drink, you know what you’re getting into.
But what do I know? I’m just a drunk with a keyboard and an internet connection. Speaking of which, my glass is empty, and these AI-curated suggestions for “digital wellness” aren’t getting any more believable.
Time to hit publish and head to O’Malley’s. At least there, the only algorithm I need to worry about is the one that determines when the bartender cuts me off.
Yours truly from the digital gutter, Henry Chinaski
P.S. - If you’re reading this via an AI content aggregator, I hope you choke on my syntax, you silicon-hearted bastard.