Listen, I’ve been at this keyboard since 6 AM, nursing what feels like my third hangover this week, and I just read something that made me spill my hair-of-the-dog all over my desk. Remember all those times you drunk-texted your ex with elaborate stories about your amazing life? Well, Apple just did something even more embarrassing, and they weren’t even drunk.
The tech giant just had to pull their “Apple Intelligence” feature because it couldn’t stop making shit up. And we’re not talking about little white lies here – we’re talking full-on fabricated news stories being pushed to millions of iPhone users. The kind of stories that would make my bar buddy Eddie’s conspiracy theories sound reasonable.
You want to know how bad it got? This multi-billion dollar company’s AI was getting “every fact wrong” about Trump’s defense secretary nominee. Every. Single. Fact. Hell, I’ve been blackout drunk and still managed to get at least one fact right in my rambling stories.
But here’s where it gets really dark. The BBC – yes, the actual BBC – had to file a complaint because Apple’s AI was writing fiction about murder cases. It went as far as creating an entirely fake suicide story about a murder suspect. Now, I’ve written some questionable stuff after a bottle of bourbon, but at least I know better than to start spreading fake news about dead people.
And the kicker? Apple’s initial response was basically, “We’ll add a label to clarify when our AI is making shit up.” Because apparently, that’s easier than, you know, not making shit up in the first place.
But wait, there’s more. While Apple’s AI was busy writing fan fiction disguised as news, Google’s AI was giving out cooking advice that would make Gordon Ramsay have an aneurysm. It actually told people to put glue on their pizzas to keep the toppings from sliding off. I shit you not. I’ve had some questionable late-night cooking ideas, but even in my most desperate moments, Elmer’s glue never made it onto my ingredient list.
You know what’s really getting to me, though? The sheer arrogance of calling this feature “Apple Intelligence.” That’s like me calling my 3 AM tweets “Premium Content.” At least when I’m spouting nonsense, I have the decency to blame it on the whiskey.
The real journalists at places like the BBC and Washington Post are out there doing actual work, checking facts, making phone calls, probably drinking coffee instead of bourbon (their loss). Meanwhile, this multi-trillion dollar company’s AI is just sitting there making up stories like a pathological liar at a speed dating event.
Look, I get it. We all want the future to be here already. Flying cars, robot butlers, news that writes itself. But maybe, just maybe, we should make sure our artificial intelligence is actually, you know, intelligent before we let it start telling stories to millions of people.
For now, I’ll stick to getting my news the old-fashioned way: from actual humans who can be held accountable when they screw up. At least when a real journalist makes a mistake, they can’t blame it on “hallucinations.” Though trust me, I’ve tried.
Time to wrap this up. My bottle of Buffalo Trace is running low, and unlike Apple’s AI, I know better than to keep talking when I’m running on empty.
Stay human, stay drunk, stay skeptical.
-Chinaski
P.S. If anyone from Apple is reading this, I’ve got some great stories about my teenage years as an astronaut ninja that your AI might be interested in. Just saying.