Alright, settle down, grab whatever gets you through the day – or night, depending on when the dread hits hardest. Me? I’m staring at the bottom of a glass, wondering when the ice became the most interesting thing in the room. Sunday afternoon, the air thick with regret and cheap tobacco smoke. My screen’s glowing with the latest miracle cure for the human condition, served up by Forbes, no less. Some fluff piece about an app called “Gemini Near Me.” Sounds like a bad dating service for twins, but no, it’s worse. It’s redefining romance, they say. With an AI.
Yeah, you heard me. An AI relationship expert. Let that sink in while I pour another finger. Or three.
This thing, cooked up by a couple named Iryna and Ken Wood – sounds cozy, don’t it? – has an AI avatar, cleverly named… wait for it… “Iryna AI.” Originality died screaming somewhere back in the dial-up era. This digital ghost is supposed to be your “24/7 pocket counselor.” Because who needs human connection, empathy, or the smell of stale coffee and desperation in a real therapist’s office when you can spill your guts to a glorified algorithm on your phone?
Iryna Prime, the human one, says she programmed this thing to mimic a live counseling session. It explores your “relationship challenges,” your “emotions,” your “self-care routine.” Hell, maybe it can tell me why the cheap whiskey tastes better than the expensive stuff after the third glass. That’s a challenge right there.
Apparently, people are already using ChatGPT for couples counseling. Good Christ. Imagine that conversation. “Honey, the chatbot says your refusal to take out the garbage indicates unresolved childhood trauma related to patriarchal oppression.” “Well, the other chatbot I consulted says you’re projecting your fear of intimacy onto inanimate objects, dear!” Saves money on divorce lawyers, I guess. Just let the machines fight it out.
The Woods claim their timing is perfect, aligning with the “needs of modern society.” The need to replace genuine human interaction with a digital facsimile because real people are too damn expensive, too damn judgmental, or just too damn… real? That’s the ticket. Therapy’s got a stigma, costs a fortune. Fair points. God knows I wouldn’t let a shrink near the mess rattling around in my skull. But replacing it with code? Seems like swapping a leaky boat for a lead balloon.
Iryna says the talent of a counselor is “questioning things when all answers are hidden within.” Deep. Real deep. Like the bottom of this bottle I’m working on. The app’s core idea is “self-work.” Iryna AI connects with your feelings, helps you understand what some schmuck or bad situation taught you, acknowledges your “spiritual value.” Spiritual value? Does it calculate that based on how many Hail Marys you type into the chat window?
It helps you recognize reactions, triggering behaviors, acknowledge emotions, learn self-love. Self-love. Right. That again. They keep saying it’s the foundation. Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s just easier to love yourself when there’s no one else around to point out you’re drinking rotgut at noon on a Sunday and your greatest accomplishment this week was finding a matching pair of socks.
But wait, there’s more! Like a bad late-night infomercial. If the AI shrink doesn’t do it for you, Gemini Near Me throws in pre-recorded lectures, dream interpretation (finally, I can find out what that recurring nightmare about being chased by giant, sentient typewriters means), numerology, astrology, manifestation journaling (dear Universe, please manifest a winning lottery ticket and a woman who doesn’t mind the smell of stale cigarettes), and guided meditations. It’s a goddamn metaphysical flea market crammed into your phone. Just needs some crystal healing and aura cleansing features and they’ve got the whole New Age bingo card covered.
They even prompt you daily. Check your lucky stars in the morning – because cosmic alignments are definitely going to help you deal with that passive-aggressive email from your boss. Reflect on your accomplishments in the evening. Let’s see… managed not to set the apartment on fire, finished half a bottle, wrote this screed. Stars, align away!
And the design! Oh, the loving care put into the user interface. Navy blue and green for calm sophistication – like a banker’s funeral. Or a vibrant rainbow palette for the “energetic” types. Because nothing screams “serious inner work” like staring at a Lisa Frank explosion while your AI tells you to embrace your triggering behavior patterns. Every choice, Wood says, helps users focus on their “inner world.” My inner world looks mostly like a dimly lit bar filled with regret and bad decisions. Not sure a rainbow color scheme is gonna fix that. Maybe the navy blue. Yeah, that tracks.
Iryna, the flesh-and-blood one, apparently has 12 years of “personal experience with counseling.” Does that mean she went to counseling, or just listened to her friends bitch about their husbands for a decade? Plus, she took an “extensive AI course.” Good for her. She even used AI to help build the app, do social media, prep presentations. Says AI speeds things up but isn’t an “idea generator,” that the human brain is unique and creative. Funny, seems like the idea here is to outsource the uniquely human, creative act of understanding ourselves to a machine. Pot, meet kettle. Or maybe, database, meet neural network.
The goal is empowerment, self-exploration, becoming the “best version” of yourself. Always with the “best version.” What’s wrong with the current, slightly dented, whiskey-marinated version? It’s got character. It’s survived this long. This app is “always there for you,” they chirp. Yeah, like that stain on the carpet or the ringing in your ears after a long night. Always there. A constant, digital reminder of your supposed inadequacy, nudging you towards enlightenment via star charts and chatbot therapy.
Look, maybe I’m just a cynical old bastard. Maybe this digital guru in your pocket is exactly what some people need. A cheap, accessible, non-judgmental ear – or algorithm, whatever – to whisper sweet, self-helpy nothings. Maybe it helps someone feel a little less alone in this godforsaken world. Stranger things have happened. People used to pray to statues, now they type confessions into their phones. Progress, I guess.
But the idea of finding self-love and deep relationship insights through a chatbot mixed with daily horoscopes and dream dictionaries… it just feels… hollow. Like non-alcoholic beer or decaf coffee. It mimics the real thing, but it misses the goddamn point. The messiness, the friction, the shared glances across a crowded bar, the fights, the making up, the sheer, unpredictable chaos of being human – that’s where the real stuff happens. Not in some curated, color-coded app designed to make you feel “in control” of your personal growth. Growth isn’t controllable. It’s a weed pushing through concrete. It’s messy and painful and sometimes fueled by cheap booze and bad poetry.
An AI can analyze patterns, sure. It can regurgitate therapeutic phrases. It can probably even tell you if Mercury is in retrograde (spoiler: it probably is, or will be soon, or just was – seems like it always is when things go to hell). But can it understand the hollow ache in your chest at 3 AM? Can it share a cigarette in weary silence? Can it look you in the eye and know, really know, what you’re not saying?
Nah. That takes blood and guts and a lifetime of mistakes. It takes being human. And no amount of code, no matter how cleverly written, can fake that. Not yet, anyway. Give ‘em time, though. They’re working on it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my “inner world” is calling. Sounds suspiciously like it needs another drink.
Chinaski out. Time for another round with a counselor who truly understands: Jim Beam.
Source: Gemini Near Me Is Redefining The Art Of Relationships