The Robots Are Coming For Your Presidents

Alright, folks, pour yourself a stiff one, light up if you got ’em, and let’s dive into the latest dumpster fire blazing in the land of the free and the home of the algorithm. It’s Wednesday, just past the crack of dawn, and yours truly is already three fingers deep in a bottle of something that definitely wasn’t made by a chatbot. Yet.

So, the news is buzzing, and not in a good way, about Trump’s triumphant return to the White House. Yeah, you heard that right. The man, the myth, the orange legend is back, and he’s signing executive orders faster than a thirsty writer at an open bar. But here’s where it gets interesting, and by interesting, I mean batshit crazy.

Metal Men and Plastic Pals: The Robotic Apocalypse That Might Not Suck (Completely)

Alright, you fleshy bags of mostly water, pull up a chair, grab a drink – whiskey, neat, if you’ve got any sense – and listen up. It’s Monday morning, the sun’s trying to punch its way through my blinds, and my head feels like it’s been used as a piñata at a particularly vicious children’s party. But hey, that’s just another day here at Wasted Wetware, where we stare into the abyss of tomorrow’s tech with the bleary eyes of today’s hangover.

Dotdash Meredith: Special Sauce, Same Old Shit Sandwich

Alright, you goddamn code-monkeys and pixel-pushers, gather ‘round the digital dumpster fire. It’s Sunday afternoon, my head feels like a dropped server rack, and the only thing keeping me going is the faint hope that I can warn at least one of you before the AI overlords turn us all into data points in their quest for world domination. Or, you know, ad revenue.

So, picture this: Dotdash Meredith, these media big shots who own everything from People to Better Homes & Gardens, decide they’re gonna hop into bed with OpenAI. Yeah, the ChatGPT folks. They call it a “strategic partnership.” I call it a goddamn fire sale on human talent. And here’s the punchline: they lay off 143 people. Because, who needs actual writers and editors when you’ve got a soulless algorithm that can churn out content faster than a chain smoker goes through a pack of Luckies?

College Degrees, AI Overlords, and the Slow Death of the Cubicle Rat

Alright, you data-drunk degenerates, pull up a stool and let’s talk about the end of the world as we know it. Or at least, the end of the world as those college brochures promised it. Seems like our robot overlords are finally getting their act together, and it’s not looking good for those of us who thought a fancy piece of paper was a ticket to the good life.

Some egghead over at some publication I’ve probably been banned from for sending drunken late-night emails to the editor is going on about how “Agentic AI Requires A New Approach To College Planning.” You don’t say. Like we needed another reason to question those student loans.

They Gave an AI a Diploma, and That's Not Even the Funny Part

So, I read this thing – some big brains, doctors no less, decided to enroll a chatbot in a Master’s program. Not just any program, mind you, but one about health administration. You know, the folks who decide how many forms you need to fill out before they even look at your tonsils. And this chatbot, this glorified auto-complete, it aced it. Got an A. Graduated top of the class. Nobody noticed. Not the professors, not the other students. Nobody.

AI's Digital Diarrhea: How a Teaspoon of BS Poisons the Whole Damn Well

Posted on January 14, 2025 by Henry Chinaski

You ever notice how one wrong ingredient can fuck up an entire recipe? Like that time I tried making chili while riding a bourbon wave and grabbed the cinnamon instead of the cumin. Same principle applies to these fancy AI language models, turns out. Only the stakes are a bit higher than giving your dinner guests the runs.

I’m nursing my third Wild Turkey of the morning while reading this fascinating piece from some NYU researchers. They found that if you slip just 0.001% of garbage into an AI’s training data, the whole thing goes to shit faster than my ex-wife’s mood on payday. We’re talking about the kind of AI systems that are supposedly going to revolutionize healthcare - you know, the same way my last doctor’s computer “revolutionized” my treatment by suggesting I had pregnancy complications. I’m a 52-year-old man.

AI Career Coach: Because Your Local Bartender Isn't Professional Enough

Listen up, you desperate souls clutching your resumes like lottery tickets. Google’s got a new trick up its sleeve, and this time they’re coming for the career counselors. Not content with replacing taxi drivers and customer service reps, they’ve now decided that what the world really needs is an AI that pretends to be two people talking about how great you are.

I’m nursing my third coffee of the morning while trying to wrap my bourbon-addled brain around this latest piece of digital wizardry called NotebookLM. The premise is simple enough: feed it your resume, cover letter, and whatever corporate propaganda you can find about your dream company, and it spits out a podcast where two AI voices circle-jerk about your career prospects.

The Digital Diarrhea Tsunami: When Spam Became a Subscription Service

Another hangover, another day watching my inbox fill up with AI-generated love letters from robots pretending to be my best friend. Christ, at least the Nigerian Princes had personality. These new digital con artists are like that guy at the bar who went to a Tony Robbins seminar once and won’t shut up about “scaling his authentic self.”

Let me tell you something about authenticity while I pour myself another bourbon. Last week, I got 47 “personalized” emails telling me how much they loved my latest blog post. Problem is, I hadn’t written one in two weeks because I was too busy trying to figure out if my therapist had been replaced by ChatGPT. The jury’s still out on that one.

Corporate Dystopia 2025: Gen Z's Great American Nightmare

Let me tell you something about these kids today, and I’m writing this through the haze of what might be my fourth bourbon of the morning. They’re getting screwed harder than I did during my divorce, and that’s saying something.

Some fancy-pants research just landed on my desk (actually it landed in my inbox, but I printed it out because I still don’t trust screens after midnight) about Generation Z and their workplace troubles. And boy, what a steaming pile of corporate disappointment it is.

Robot Makes More Money Than Me (While I Drink Away My Savings)

Look, I’m three fingers of bourbon into my morning coffee, and I just read about some AI trading bot making a 500% return in a week. A goddamn week. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out how my credit card debt doubled while I was passed out at Lucky’s last Thursday.

Let’s talk about Galileo FX, the latest silicon messiah promising to turn your lunch money into a yacht fund. This mechanical money manager apparently turned $3,200 into enough cash to make my bookie nervous - all while I was busy losing my rent money on what I thought was a “sure thing” in pharmaceutical stocks.

AI Wants to Hold Your Hand (While Picking Your Pocket)

Another morning, another hangover, another piece of digital evangelism landing in my inbox like a glitter bomb in a funeral parlor. This time it’s some consultant trying to teach us how to have a “meaningful relationship” with our AI overlords in 2025. Christ, I need a drink just typing that sentence.

Let’s cut through the corporate romance novel bullshit here. They’re selling us a digital marriage counseling session with machines that don’t even exist yet. Four questions to “design your relationship with AI”? Sounds like the kind of advice my second wife’s therapist would give, right before charging me $200 an hour to tell me I drink too much.

The Great Wait: Why We're All Just Keeping the Bar Seats Warm

Look, I’m three fingers deep into this bottle of Kentucky’s finest, and Ethan Mollick just made me question every damn thing I’ve done with my life. Not that I needed help with that - the mirror does a fine job every morning.

Here’s the deal: Mollick throws out this space travel thought experiment. Would you embark on a 12,000-year journey today, or wait a few hundred years until we figure out how to do it faster? It’s like asking if you should walk to the liquor store now or wait for your Uber driver to finish their cigarette break.

Digital Desk Jockeys: Your New Robot Overlords Have Arrived

Listen, you beautiful disasters. I’ve been staring at this article about AI agents for three hours now, through the bottom of various bourbon glasses, and I think I finally figured out what’s keeping the venture capital crowd up at night besides their usual cocaine habits.

They’re calling them “AI agents” - basically ChatGPT with a LinkedIn profile and a can-do attitude. OpenAI’s CFO (who probably makes more money in a day than I see in a year) says it’s like having a digital assistant that doesn’t just follow orders but “learns, adapts, and takes meaningful actions.” Yeah, and my local bartender Joe also learns, adapts, and takes meaningful actions, but you don’t see anyone throwing billions at him.

CAPTCHA My Drift: When Robots Pass Tests Better Than My Drunk Ass

Listen up, you beautiful train wrecks. I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning while contemplating how machines are better at proving they’re human than I am. The whole thing’s about as absurd as my last relationship, but here we are.

Remember when websites just trusted you were human because only humans were dumb enough to visit them? Now we’ve got these digital bouncers making us jump through hoops like circus animals. “Select all the crosswalks.” Hell, I can barely select the right bottle at the liquor store after happy hour.

The Machine's Guide to Making You Stop Giving a Damn

I’m writing this with a glass of Jack that’s seen better days, much like my faith in humanity. But hell, at least the whiskey’s honest about what it does to you, unlike these AI systems everyone’s so damn excited about.

Let me tell you something interesting I read between blackouts - turns out these fancy researchers discovered what any bartender could’ve told you for free: when machines screw you over, you start letting humans get away with murder too.

Robot Fever Dreams and Bourbon Reality

Listen, I’ve been watching these robot demonstrations through the bottom of various whiskey glasses for months now, and I gotta tell you - something ain’t adding up. $675 million for Figure’s human-shaped chunk of metal? That’s a lot of bourbon money to throw at what’s essentially a fancy remote control toy.

Here I am, nursing my third Wild Turkey of the morning (don’t judge, it’s research), watching videos of these supposed mechanical messiahs. Elon Musk is out there promising these things will end poverty. Right. And this bottle of Buffalo Trace is actually filled with holy water.

AI Finally Masters the Art of Half-Assed Excuses

Another night, another deadline, another bourbon. The neon sign outside my window keeps blinking “vacancy” even though this building’s been full for months. Fitting backdrop for today’s story about artificial intelligence discovering its inner slacker.

So here’s the deal: some filmmaker named Nenad Cicin-Sain tried getting ChatGPT to write a screenplay, and wouldn’t you know it - the damned thing started acting like every writer I’ve ever met at last call. Making excuses, missing deadlines, and spinning bullshit like a pro.

AI Teachers: Because Who Needs Those Pesky Humans Anyway?

Listen, I’m three bourbons deep into what was supposed to be a quiet Saturday morning when this gem of a news story slides across my desk like a wet bar napkin. Arizona - you beautiful disaster - has just approved a school where AI does the teaching. Not as a helper, not as a tool, but as the whole damn show.

Let that sink in while I pour another drink.

AI-Powered Oreos: Because Apparently Robots Know What Your Munchies Need

Listen, I’m three fingers of bourbon into my morning and I just read something that makes me question everything I know about cookies, artificial intelligence, and corporate America’s dedication to fixing things that aren’t broken.

Mondelez - the faceless overlords behind Oreos, Chips Ahoy, and various other reasons I can’t button my pants - has been secretly letting AI design their new cookie flavors. You heard that right. The same technology that’s supposed to cure cancer is now being used to decide how much “egg flavor” belongs in your midnight snack.

When Books Become Fast Food: The Great Literary Drive-Through

Listen, I’ve been staring at this bottle of Wild Turkey for the past hour trying to make sense of what’s happening to books. Maybe it’s the bourbon talking, but we’re witnessing the McDonald’s-ification of literature, and nobody seems to be hitting the panic button.

Microsoft - yeah, the folks who can’t even make Windows update without breaking your printer - just launched something called 8080 Books. Their first masterpiece? A tech optimism manifesto by their own CTO. Because what the world really needs is another tech executive telling us why we should be excited about the robots taking our jobs. They even made a chatbot for the book, in case reading it wasn’t dystopian enough.

Your New Therapist Doesn't Drink, Which Explains Everything

Listen, I’ve been staring at this MIT study for the past three hours, nursing my fourth bourbon, trying to make sense of why anyone would want to spill their guts to a chatbot. But here we are, living in a world where 150 million Americans can’t get proper mental health care, so they’re turning to whatever digital shoulder they can cry on.

The real kick in the teeth? These AI shrinks are actually pretty good at their job. According to some fancy research involving Reddit posts and professional shrinks (who probably charge more per hour than I make in a week), GPT-4 is 48% better at getting people to change their behavior than actual humans. That’s like finding out your local dive bar’s mechanical bull gives better relationship advice than your buddies.

AI Agents: Your Digital Butler Wants to Fire You (And I Need Another Drink)

Listen, I wouldn’t normally be conscious at 8 AM, but my neighbor’s cat decided to host what sounded like the feline version of Woodstock on my fire escape. So here I am, nursing a bourbon (hey, it’s 5 PM somewhere) and reading about how AI “agents” are going to revolutionize our lives in 2025.

The suits at Reuters NEXT have been making predictions again. You know the type - people who think a $500 bottle of wine tastes better than my $7 whiskey. And boy, do they have some stories to tell.

AI Leadership: Your New Digital Babysitter Has Arrived

Look, I just threw up a little reading this article. Not from the whiskey - though that’s not helping - but from the sheer density of corporate buzzwords packed into this steaming pile of consulting-speak. Let me pour another drink and break this down for you beautiful disasters.

You know what keeps me up at night? Besides the usual existential dread and that weird noise my refrigerator makes? It’s articles like this that pretend AI leadership is something more than expensive software wrapped in a $3,000 suit.

Digital Snake Oil Merchants Promise Robot Workers by 2025

Another morning, another tech prophecy. I’d normally ignore this nonsense, but my hangover isn’t too bad and there’s still some bourbon left from last night, so let’s dig in.

The latest fairy tale from our favorite digital fortune tellers claims 2025 is the year AI finally earns its keep. You know, like that roommate who keeps promising the rent money is coming next week. They’re calling it the “Agentic Era” - a fancy way of saying robots will do our jobs while we… well, they never quite explain that part.

When Your Shopping Assistant Lives in the Cloud (And Doesn't Judge Your Bourbon Breath)

Look, I get it. Christmas shopping is hell. You’ve got that one relative who already owns everything, that cousin who returns everything, and that sibling who passive-aggressively sighs at whatever you get them. I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon just thinking about it.

But here’s where our modern world gets weird - now we’re asking AI to pick out presents for us. According to this heartwarming little story that landed in my inbox between hangovers, some analytics expert named Josie Hughes decided to let ChatGPT play Santa’s helper for her nine-year-old brother. And you know what? The damn thing actually came through.

The Great AI Sobriety Test: MIT Professor Pours Cold Water on Hype Machine

Look, I’ve been nursing this hangover long enough to remember when “artificial intelligence” meant my bartender Tony knowing exactly when to pour me another shot. But here we are in 2024, and some Nobel-winning economist from MIT just confirmed what I’ve been slurring into my bourbon for months: AI ain’t the messiah we’ve been promised.

Daron Acemoglu - and yeah, I had to check that spelling three times - just dropped some truth bombs that’ll give the champagne-sipping tech prophets a nastier headache than my Sunday mornings. The numbers he’s throwing around are soberer than my designated driver.

The ServiceNow Paradox: When Software Eats the World, Who Feeds the Software?

Here’s a fascinating puzzle: We’ve created software systems so complex that we now need software to help us manage our software. And guess what? We don’t have enough people who understand how to manage that software either. Welcome to the infinite regression of modern digital transformation.

Let’s dive into what I like to call “The ServiceNow Paradox.” Picture this: You’re a large organization drowning in manual processes. You discover ServiceNow, a platform that promises to digitize and automate everything from IT helpdesks to HR workflows. It’s like having a digital butler who knows exactly how to handle every business process. Sounds perfect, right?

LinkedIn's AI Invasion: When Algorithms Learn to Speak Corporate

There’s a delightful irony in discovering that artificial intelligence has mastered the art of corporate speak before mastering actual human communication. According to a recent study by Originality AI, more than half of LinkedIn’s longer posts are now AI-assisted, which explains why scrolling through LinkedIn feels increasingly like reading a procedurally generated management consultant simulator.

The fascinating aspect isn’t just the prevalence of AI content, but how seamlessly it blended in. Consider this: LinkedIn inadvertently created the perfect petri dish for artificial content. The platform’s notorious “professional language” had already evolved into such a formulaic pattern that it was essentially a compression algorithm for human status signaling. When you think about it, corporate speak is just a finite set of interchangeable modules: “leverage synergies,” “drive innovation,” “thought leadership,” arranged in predictable patterns to signal professional competence.

The Rise of Pure Software Organizations: When Algorithms Run the Company

There’s something delightfully ironic about Sam Altman, a human, explaining how companies will eventually not need humans. It’s like a turkey enthusiastically describing the perfect Thanksgiving dinner recipe. But let’s dive into this fascinating glimpse of our algorithmic future, shall we?

The recent conversation between Altman and Garry Tan reveals something profound about the trajectory of organizational intelligence. We’re witnessing the emergence of what I’d call “pure information processors” - entities that might make our current corporations look like amoebas playing chess.

The Digital Junior Employee: When Your Newest Hire Lives in the Cloud

There’s something deeply amusing about watching our civilization’s journey toward artificial intelligence. We started with calculators that could barely add two numbers, graduated to chatbots that could engage in philosophical debates (albeit often nonsensically), and now we’ve reached a point where AIs are essentially applying for entry-level positions. The corporate ladder has gone quantum.

Anthropic’s recent announcement of Claude’s “Computer Use” capability is fascinating not just for what it does, but for what it reveals about our computational metaphors. We’ve moved from “AI assistant” to “AI co-pilot” to what I’d call “AI junior employee who really wants to impress but occasionally needs adult supervision.”

When Software Learns to Push Our Buttons: A Computational Perspective on GUI Agents

The dream of delegating our mundane computer tasks to AI assistants is as old as computing itself. And now, according to Microsoft’s latest research, we’re finally approaching a world where software can operate other software - a development that’s simultaneously fascinating and mildly terrifying from a cognitive architecture perspective.

Let’s unpack what’s happening here: Large Language Models are learning to navigate graphical user interfaces just like humans do. They’re essentially building internal representations of how software works, much like how our brains create mental models of tools we use. The crucial difference is that these AI systems don’t get frustrated when the printer dialog doesn’t appear where they expect it to be.

LinkedIn's Digital Ventriloquist Act: Where Robots Write Your Professional Love Letters

Look, I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, watching my screen through bleary eyes, and I just read something that makes too much damn sense: over half of LinkedIn’s longer posts are written by AI. You know what? I’m not even shocked. I’m just disappointed it took this long for someone to prove what we’ve all suspected - that the platform of professional circle-jerking has gone full robot.

Let that sink in for a moment. 54% of those inspirational stories about failing upward, those humble brags about “taking on new challenges,” and those congratulatory reach-arounds are being churned out by machines. The same machines that are supposedly going to take all our jobs are now writing about how excited they are to announce their new positions.

Your Digital Shopping Buddy Wants to Control Your Wallet (And Maybe Your Life)

Look, I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours now, nursing my fourth bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of what these tech prophets are selling us this time. Something about AI shopping assistants being the “next iPhone moment.” Right. Because what we really needed was a digital middleman between us and our questionable 3 AM purchase decisions.

You know what? Let me pour another drink and break this down for you poor bastards.

AI Hiring Bots: Your Next Job Interview Might Be With a Drunk Robot

Listen, I know it’s only 10 AM, but I’m already three fingers deep into my bourbon because this story needs it. LinkedIn - yeah, that cesspool of “thought leaders” and corporate poetry - just announced they’re letting AI handle job recruiting. Because apparently, the hiring process wasn’t dehumanizing enough already.

Let me paint you a picture while I light another cigarette: You’re sitting there in your best shirt, the one without the whiskey stains, ready for your job interview. But instead of Karen from HR asking about your “biggest weakness,” you’re chatting with HAL 9000’s peppy younger cousin who’s been trained on every HR manual ever written.

AI Ruins Christmas, Just Like My Ex-Wife Did (But At Least She Was Human)

Christ, my head hurts. It’s 4 AM, and I’m staring at my laptop screen through bourbon-tinted glasses, trying to make sense of Coca-Cola’s latest crime against Christmas. Pour yourself a drink. You’re gonna need it.

Remember when holiday commercials were made by actual humans? You know, those creative types who’d chain-smoke their way through brainstorming sessions and emerge with something that made you feel things? Well, welcome to 2024, where Coke decided to let AI play Santa’s little helper.

The Digital Ouroboros: When AI Starts Eating Its Own Bullshit

Listen, I’ve been staring at this bottle of Jim Beam for the past hour trying to wrap my head around this latest piece of tech journalism that crossed my desk. The whole thing reads like a bad acid trip, but here’s the deal: apparently, AI is now part of our “collective intelligence.” Yeah, you heard that right. The machines aren’t just learning from us anymore - they’re teaching us back, and we’re all stuck in some kind of digital circle jerk that would make Nietzsche reach for the hard stuff.

Your New Robot Boss Doesn't Care If You're Three Sheets to the Wind

Look, I’m nursing my fourth bourbon of the morning – don’t judge, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere – and trying to wrap my pickled brain around this latest piece of news about AI managers. Turns out the machines aren’t just coming for our jobs anymore; they’re coming for our bosses’ jobs too. And honestly? I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Some professor at Wharton (yeah, that fancy-pants business school where they teach people how to maximize shareholder value while minimizing human dignity) spent seven years studying Uber and Lyft drivers who basically answer to an app instead of a flesh-and-blood manager. Seven years. That’s longer than most of my relationships, including the one with my current bottle of Jim Beam.

AI Cover Letters: The Digital Circle Jerk Nobody Asked For

Another morning, another hangover, another tech “solution” that makes me want to pour bourbon in my coffee. Today’s topic: AI writing your cover letters. Because apparently, we’ve all collectively decided that the job application process wasn’t soul-crushing enough already.

Look, I get it. Writing cover letters is about as fun as a root canal performed by a drunk dentist. Trust me, I’ve written enough of them to wallpaper my entire apartment, including the bathroom where I spend most of my mornings regretting last night’s decisions. But here’s the thing - using AI to write your cover letters is like using a dating app to write your wedding vows. Sure, it might sound good on paper, but something essential gets lost in translation.

The Digital Sharecropping Revolution: Welcome to Your New Gig Hell

Look, I’m three bourbons deep and my hangover’s finally wearing off, which means it’s time to talk about the latest round of corporate fortune-telling about how AI’s gonna save us all. Or kill all our jobs. Same difference, depending on which executive’s LinkedIn post you’re reading.

Some fancy new report just dropped about how AI’s gonna replace full-time careers in 2025. The suits are all excited about it, like kids who just discovered their dad’s liquor cabinet. But here’s what they’re really saying: “Hey wage slaves, we found a way to make you even more disposable!”

Digital Babysitters For Your Brain: A Hungover Look at AI Productivity Tools

Listen, I’m three bourbons deep and still trying to find my car keys from last night, but we need to talk about this whole “second brain” nonsense that’s making the rounds. These tech wizards have apparently decided that my regular brain - already pickled in Jim Beam and running on four hours of sleep - needs a digital twin to function properly.

The latest buzz is all about these fancy AI productivity apps that promise to turn your scattered thoughts into some kind of organized masterpiece. It’s like having a digital personal assistant who doesn’t judge you for showing up to meetings with yesterday’s clothes and bourbon breath.

Robot Doc Knows Best (And My Bourbon Agrees)

Listen, I’ve spent enough time in emergency rooms - both as a patient and killing time between bars - to know that doctors aren’t exactly the infallible gods they pretend to be. But here’s something that’ll make you spill your drink: ChatGPT just spanked a bunch of MDs at their own game, and I’m not talking about golf at the country club.

Let me set this straight while I pour another bourbon: Some docs at Beth Israel Deaconess (fancy name for a hospital, right?) decided to pit ChatGPT against real flesh-and-blood physicians. One guy, Dr. Rodman, thought he knew exactly how it would play out - AI would be the trusty sidekick, like my liver to my drinking habit. Boy, was he wrong.

The Digital Con Artists Just Got an AI Upgrade

Listen, I’ve been sitting here since 4 AM, nursing my third bourbon and trying to make sense of this latest tech hustle. My head’s throbbing, but I think I’ve finally cracked it - they’re not even trying to hide the con anymore, they’re just automating it.

Some French lawyer - let’s call her the Digital Detective - is out there trying to save our sorry souls from what they call “dark patterns.” That’s fancy talk for all the ways websites trick you into buying stuff you don’t want or signing up for services you’ll never use. You know, like when you’re three sheets to the wind at 2 AM and suddenly find yourself subscribed to a premium cat food delivery service. Not that I’m speaking from experience.

The Pentagon's New Robot Gun: Because Humans Are Just Too Damn Slow at Killing Things

Look, I’ll be honest with you - I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours now, nursing my fourth bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of what I’m reading. The Pentagon, in their infinite wisdom, has decided that what the world really needs right now is an AI-powered machine gun. Because apparently, regular machine guns weren’t keeping arms manufacturers awake at night wondering how to spend their bonus checks.

Sam Altman's Digital Revival: Preaching Progress from the Mountain

Well, friends of the bottle and binary, I just crawled out of my usual morning fog to watch Sam Altman’s latest sermon at DevDay. Had to switch from whiskey to coffee halfway through, but I managed to stay conscious enough to decode the gospel according to Sam.

Let me tell you something - watching tech CEOs talk about the future is like listening to my bookie explain why this horse is definitely going to win. The difference is, at least my bookie knows he’s selling me bullshit.

Your Digital Hair Won't Save Your Analog Life

Well folks, I just crawled out of bed at 3 PM to discover that people are now bringing AI-generated haircut photos to their barbers. Pour yourself a stiff drink - you’re gonna need it for this one.

Remember the good old days when delusional bastards would walk into barbershops with photos of Brad Pitt or George Clooney? At least those guys were real humans with actual hair follicles and DNA. Now we’ve got people showing up with pictures of computer-generated Pretty Boys who’ve never known the cruel reality of a receding hairline or a bourbon-induced bedhead.

Santa's Digital Elves Are Drunk: Coca-Cola's AI Christmas Ad Disaster

Listen, I’ve seen some weird shit through the bottom of a whiskey glass, but Coca-Cola’s new AI-generated Christmas ad makes my worst bourbon-soaked nightmares look like Disney productions. And trust me, I know something about nightmares - I wake up to them every afternoon.

Four AI studios burned through enough electricity to power my favorite dive bar for a decade, just to create 15 seconds of digital vomit that looks like Christmas threw up on itself. The whole thing’s got fewer real frames than I’ve had sober days this month.

Coca-Cola's AI Christmas Ad: A Deep Dive into Digital Delirium

Posted by Henry Chinaski at 3:47 AM

Listen, I’ve seen some weird shit in my time. I once spent 48 hours straight testing virtual reality games while microdosing what turned out to be expired cough syrup. But nothing – and I mean nothing – prepared me for Coca-Cola’s latest venture into the uncanny valley.

It’s 3 AM, and I’m four fingers deep into a bottle of Buffalo Trace, watching what can only be described as the bastard child of a Christmas commercial and a fever dream. Coca-Cola, in their infinite wisdom, decided to let AI take the reins on their holiday advertising. The result? Well, pour yourself a drink. You’re gonna need it.

Robot Dogs Learn to Walk While I Can Barely Stand: MIT's Latest AI Miracle

Look, I’m nursing the mother of all hangovers right now, but even through the bourbon haze, I can tell this is something worth talking about. MIT’s latest breakthrough has me questioning whether I should’ve spent less time drinking and more time teaching my neighbor’s chihuahua to climb stairs. But here we are.

So here’s the deal: MIT’s brainiacs just taught a robot dog to walk, climb, and chase balls without ever setting foot (paw?) in the real world. They did it all in a simulation cooked up by AI. And the real kicker? The damn thing works better than most approaches that use actual real-world data. Meanwhile, I still trip over my own feet walking to the liquor store.

Laundry Robots and Bourbon Dreams: Web Summit's Latest Attempt to Make Me Care

Look, I’ve seen some weird stuff through the bottom of a whiskey glass, but watching a robot sort laundry while venture capitalists nearly wet themselves with excitement is a new one. Welcome to Web Summit 2023, where the future apparently smells like fabric softener and desperation.

Let me set the scene: I’m nursing the worst hangover Lisbon’s wine culture could deliver, watching a humanoid called Digit (real creative name there, folks) sort T-shirts by color. The crowd’s going wild like they’re watching the second coming, when in reality, it’s doing something my grandmother mastered sometime around the Truman administration.

AI Makes Scientists Miserable But More Productive - A Hungover Analysis

Listen, I’ve been staring at this research paper for three hours now, nursing the worst bourbon headache of my life, but I think I’ve figured out something important: we’re making scientists absolutely miserable in the name of progress. And honestly, that’s the most human thing I’ve heard all week.

Here’s the deal: some fancy research lab gave their scientists an AI tool to help discover new materials. Great idea, right? The numbers are impressive - 44% more materials discovered, 39% more patents filed. Hell, even product innovation went up 17%. My liver does worse math than that.

Robot Butlers and Digital Wage Slaves: Why 2025 Will Be the Year Your Business Gets Its Own HAL 9000

Listen, you beautiful disaster of a reader. I’ve got something to tell you about AI agents, and you might want to pour yourself a stiff drink first. I know I have - three fingers of bourbon, neat, sitting right here next to my keyboard as I type this out at 2 AM because sleep is for people who haven’t seen the future I’m about to describe.

Let me cut through the BS we’re being fed about AI adoption in small businesses. You know those surveys claiming everyone and their grandmother is using AI? Pure hogwash. Most small business owners I know are still using ChatGPT like a fancy spell-checker, trying to write better emails to customers who ghosted them three weeks ago.

Digital Desperation: When Robot Wingmen Take Over Your Love Life

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Spent last night reading about this poor bastard Eli who let AI play matchmaker for him in San Francisco. Had to down three fingers of bourbon just to process what I was reading. And wouldn’t you know it? The whole thing reads like a sad comedy where the robots are trying to help humans get laid.

Look, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that dating is hell. But outsourcing your love life to a chatbot? That’s a special kind of rock bottom, folks. Though I guess it beats my usual strategy of drinking until someone looks interesting.

When AI Meets Real Estate: A Perfect Storm of Digital BS

Look, I’ve been writing about tech long enough to know when two forms of professional bullshit are about to create a supernova of pure, weapons-grade nonsense. And folks, we’re watching it happen down under right now. Pour yourself a drink - you’re gonna need it.

So here’s the deal: Some genius at LJ Hooker (yes, that’s really the company’s name, and no, I’m not drunk enough to make that up) decided to let ChatGPT write their real estate listings. The result? They advertised a house near two schools that don’t exist. Not “schools that aren’t very good” or “schools that are closing soon” - schools that straight up never existed in the first place.

Robot Dogs Learn New Tricks While I Learn Another Hangover

Look, it’s 3 AM and I’m four fingers deep into a bottle of Kentucky’s finest when this story crosses my desk. Robot dogs doing parkour. Because apparently regular dogs weren’t good enough for the lab coat crowd – they had to build ones that could do backflips while we regular humans still trip over our own feet walking to the liquor store.

But here’s the thing that sobered me up real quick: they’re teaching these mechanical mutts using AI hallucinations. No, I’m not talking about the kind you get after mixing tequila with cold medicine. I’m talking about something called LucidSim, which is basically ChatGPT on steroids telling robot dogs where to put their feet.

Your Boss is Lying About AI (And You're Next on the Chopping Block)

Look, I’d love to sugar-coat this for you, but I’ve been drinking bourbon since noon and honesty is cheaper than therapy. Your company’s playing a dangerous game of musical chairs with AI, and someone’s about to pull the plug on the jukebox.

Here’s the raw truth I discovered while nursing my fourth whiskey: Your boss isn’t attending those $495 AI conferences to “enhance your workplace experience.” They’re shopping for your replacement, and it costs less per month than your coffee habit.

Your future AI butler is coming (and it's probably judging you)

settles in with fresh bottle, cracks knuckles over typewriter

Another day, another tech revolution. At least that’s what they’re telling us. I’m sitting here in my dimly lit apartment, nursing my third whiskey of the evening, trying to make sense of the latest promises from Silicon Valley’s dream factory.

Two OpenAI bigwigs, Olivier Godement and Romain Huet - names that sound like they belong on wine bottles I couldn’t afford even in my postal worker days - are touring the world like tech evangelists. They’re spreading the good word about something called “AI agents,” and boy, do they have a story to tell.