The Sweet Despair of a Year-Long Paid Nap

Alright, pour yourself something strong. Or don’t. Makes no difference to the world, but it might make reading this easier. Got my coffee here, black as my outlook, with a little something extra to cut through the Tuesday morning fog that feels suspiciously like last night’s bourbon trying to stage a comeback.

So, get this. The geniuses over at Google DeepMind, the wizards cooking up our eventual robot overlords in their London labs, have apparently figured out a new way to screw with the human condition. Forget killer AI – they’re perfecting the art of the golden cage.

Peeking Inside the Tin Head: What the Nerds Found in the Robot Brain (Probably Lint)

Alright, settle down, grab something strong. The coffee’s burnt again, tastes like battery acid and regret, which, come to think of it, is pretty much the flavor profile of my entire life. It’s Saturday morning, or what passes for it when you measure time by the level left in the bottle rather than the sun bothering its way through the grimy window. The birds are chirping like tiny, feathered alarm clocks mocking my existence. Shut up, birds.

Another Day, Another Bot Playing Dress-Up With Dead Artists' Clothes

Alright, settle down, grab a glass. Or don’t. Your liver, your problem. Mine’s already pickling nicely, thank you very much. It’s Thursday afternoon, the sun’s trying way too hard outside, and the internet’s gone completely ape over cartoon ghosts and fat furry things. Studio Ghibli, they call it. Yeah, I’ve seen the movies. Usually late at night, bottle halfway gone, trying to figure out if the cat bus makes any goddamn sense. Beautiful stuff, sure. Real art, made by real people sweating it out over drawing boards for years.

God Help Us All: Google Wants to Build a Robot Nanny

Alright, you booze-hounds and keyboard jockeys, pull up a stool and pour yourselves something strong. It’s Thursday, which means the weekend’s a hazy mirage in the distance, and my liver’s already screaming for mercy. But duty calls, or rather, the blinking cursor on my screen does. And today’s digital vomit comes courtesy of Google, those overlords of everything we pretend not to need but can’t live without.

They’re calling it “The Everything AI.” Sounds like a bad sci-fi flick where the robots rise up and force-feed us kale smoothies, right? Well, it’s not that bad. Yet. This is about Google’s “Super Assistant,” a digital busybody that wants to be all up in your grill 24/7. Think of it as your own personal, pocket-sized Stasi agent, only instead of reporting your subversive thoughts to the Party, it’s reporting your coffee consumption to Amazon.

Musk, Altman, and the $97.4 Billion Hangover Cure That Isn't

So, Musk wants to buy OpenAI for, what was it, $97.4 billion? And Altman, that smooth-talking sonuvabitch, tweets back that he’ll buy Twitter for a measly $9.74 billion. Sounds about right. A couple of billionaires playing chicken with numbers most of us will only see in our wet dreams.

This whole thing reeks of desperation, ego, and probably a few too many top-shelf tequilas (though I wouldn’t know anything about that, of course).

Google's Gouda Gaffe: When AI Pretends to Be Human (And Fails Miserably)

So, Google, those titans of tech, those digital demigods, dropped a Super Bowl ad. You know, the kind of thing that costs more than a small country’s GDP to air? And what did they choose to showcase with all that prime-time real estate? Their AI, Gemini.

The ad shows Gemini whipping up some product descriptions for a Wisconsin cheese mart. Sounds wholesome, right? Like a digital Norman Rockwell painting, only instead of a kid with a fishing pole, you’ve got an algorithm slinging cheddar.

The Machines are Thirsty, and the Planet is Paying the Tab

So, a bunch of do-gooders, over 100 organizations, bless their bleeding hearts, have penned a love letter to the AI overlords and their political puppets. The gist? Our shiny new digital gods are guzzling power and water like a wino at an open bar, and the Earth is picking up the tab. This, of course, is all happening right before some bigwig AI shindig in Paris. Timing, as they say, is everything.

Google's Gone Full Skynet, Baby (Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Algorithm)

So, Google, the company that once told us “Don’t Be Evil” (remember that quaint little nugget?), has decided that maybe, just maybe, evil pays a little better these days. They’ve quietly slipped a mickey into their own AI ethics guidelines, removing the pesky bit about not using their all-knowing, all-seeing algorithms to build weapons or, you know, generally screw humanity over.

And they’re not even the first. The other AI bigwigs from OpenAI did the same last year.

The Robots Are Coming, and They're Arguing About Who Gets to Rule the World

So, the suits are gathering in Paris. Another “summit.” Another chance for world leaders to preen and posture, this time about AI. The Artificial Intelligence Action Summit, they call it. Sounds about as exciting as a tax audit, doesn’t it? But hold on to your hats, folks, because apparently, there’s a new sheriff in AI town, and its name is… DeepSeek.

Yeah, DeepSeek. Sounds like something you’d find advertised in the back pages of a pulp magazine, right next to the X-ray specs and the sea monkeys. But this ain’t no two-bit gimmick. This is China’s latest entry in the AI arms race, and according to some, it’s making the big boys in the US sweat a little.

OpenAI's New Clothes: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Font

So, OpenAI, the folks who brought you the robot that can write your kid’s book report (and probably your eulogy, if you’re not careful), decided they needed a makeover. Apparently, summoning digital demons from the silicon ether wasn’t “human” enough. They needed a new logo, a new typeface, the whole shebang. Because nothing screams “approachable” like a company that’s one bad algorithm away from turning us all into paperclips.

They’re calling it “more organic and more human.” Right. Like a genetically modified tomato is “more organic.” Like that third whiskey sour at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday that makes that person seem “more human”, more approachable, even. It’s all relative, ain’t it?

The End of the Beginning (and Maybe the Beginning of the End) for OpenAI

So, it’s Tuesday morning, and I’m sitting here, nursing a coffee that’s more whiskey than coffee, and staring at this news about OpenAI. Sam Altman, the big cheese over there, is finally admitting what the rest of us drunks have known for a while: the ChatGPT party is winding down.

Seems like these Chinese outfits, DeepSeek or whatever, have cooked up something called the R1 reasoning model. Now, I’m no AI whiz, but from what I gather, this thing can think for itself, or at least pretend to, better than ChatGPT. And the kicker? It’s free. Free as the air we breathe, or the regret I feel every morning. They’ve gone open-source, which, let’s be honest, is like handing out free samples at the liquor store—you know things are about to get wild.

Big Brother's New Booze Buddy: Gemini and Your Gmail

Big Brother’s New Booze Buddy: Gemini and Your Gmail

Alright, you digital degenerates, pull up a stool. It’s your boy, Chinaski, back on “Wasted Wetware” to pour you another shot of truth, straight up, no chaser. You might want to grab a bottle for this one, it’s gonna get rough.

So, Google, in its infinite wisdom, has decided we all need a little more AI in our lives. Like we need another hole in the head, or another morning where the sunlight feels like a goddamn interrogation lamp. Their latest brainfart? Shoving Gemini, their AI brainchild, into the guts of Gmail. And, surprise, surprise, opting out is about as easy as convincing a bartender to cut you off after your tenth double.

The Robots are Eating Their Own, and I Need Another Drink

So, the eggheads over at OpenAI are at each other’s throats. You love to see it. Seems like those commies over in China, with their fancy DeepSeek AI, just threw a big, fat, digital wrench into their whole operation. And me? I’m sitting here, on a Sunday morning, nursing a glass of the good stuff and wondering if I should switch to vodka, watching the whole damn AI circus turn into a three-ring shitshow.

Uncle Sam's Iron Diaper: How Our Tech Titans Learned to Love the Nanny State

So, the suits over at DeepSeek dropped a new AI model, the R1. Cheap, they say. And you know what that means? It means the boys in the boardrooms are shaking in their thousand-dollar loafers. They’re scared. Scared that maybe, just maybe, their golden goose is about to get cooked by a competitor they can’t control with their usual bag of tricks.

And where do these titans of industry turn when the going gets tough? Why, to the warm, suffocating embrace of Uncle Sam, of course. They’re practically begging for a “Great Firewall of America” now. A firewall to protect their profits, mind you, not your freedoms. Not that they ever really gave a damn about those in the first place. No sir, it’s all about the bottom line. Always has been, always will be.

Assumptions, AI, and the Apocalypse, or, Deeply Seeking My Next Drink

Alright, let’s pour one out for the poor bastards on Wall Street who just watched their portfolios get vaporized by a bunch of Chinese upstarts. DeepSeek, huh? More like DeepShit, if you ask me. This whole thing stinks more than a three-day-old fish left out in the sun. Here I was, thinking I’d maybe have a slow Saturday nursing this bottle of Jim Beam and watching the pigeons fight outside my window. Now, I gotta wrap my head around another AI “breakthrough” that’s probably just gonna end up making the rich richer and the rest of us more miserable.

The Robots Want Your Soul (and Your Reddit Karma)

Alright, you bastards, gather ‘round. Pour yourself a stiff one, light up if you got ’em, and listen up. Henry Chinaski here, reporting live from the gutter of the information superhighway, where the bits flow like cheap whiskey and the truth is harder to find than a clean ashtray in a dive bar.

So, it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m staring at this article like it’s a half-empty bottle of rotgut, trying to figure out what the hell it all means. Apparently, the brainiacs over at OpenAI, the folks who brought you the chatbot that’s probably writing your performance review as we speak, have been using Reddit to teach their machines how to argue. Yeah, you heard that right. They’re turning those digital bastards into debate lords, fueled by the endless stream of opinions and insults that is the internet.

Thirty Bucks and a Dream: AI on a Shoestring

So, these eggheads over at Berkeley, they say they’ve cracked the code. Replicated some fancy AI doohickey, DeepSeek’s R1-Zero, they call it, for the price of a cheap bottle of whiskey and a pack of smokes. Yeah, you heard that right. Thirty bucks. That’s less than I’d spend on a Friday night bender, and these guys are claiming they’ve built the future of intelligence. Or at least a cheap knockoff.

The Kids Are Alright (And They're Pissed)

So, the whiz kids over at Common Sense Media dropped a report, and guess what? The young’uns are onto the game. They’re mainlining TikTok and Insta like there’s no tomorrow, but they’re starting to side-eye the puppet masters pulling the strings. Yeah, the very same digital overlords that made their parents believe their phones were listening to them.

Turns out, only a handful of these digital natives think these tech behemoths give a damn about their well-being. And almost half of them are sweating bullets about AI. They see it as a shiny new toy that could either teach them calculus or turn them into the stars of the next deepfake scandal.

The Pot Calling the Kettle... Well, You Know

So, OpenAI’s got their panties in a bunch. Seems a Chinese outfit called DeepSeek, the new kid on the AI block, might have been playing a little fast and loose with OpenAI’s precious code. Now, I’m no lawyer, but I’ve spent enough time in bars to know a thing or two about hypocrisy, and this whole situation stinks of it worse than a three-day-old ashtray.

These OpenAI guys, led by their fearless leader Sam Altman, are crying foul because DeepSeek might have trained their AI models on the output of OpenAI’s models. You know, the same OpenAI that’s been vacuuming up every scrap of data on the internet – every poem, every novel, every blog post (even this one, probably) – to feed their own digital beast. They call it “fair use.” I call it a digital book burning, only instead of ashes, you get a chatbot that can write a mediocre sonnet on demand.

Nvidia's Hangover: How a Bunch of Chinese Eggheads Gave Big Tech the DTs

Alright, you pixel-pushers and code-monkeys, pull up a stool and pour yourself a double. It’s Tuesday morning, and your ol’ pal Henry’s here to dissect the latest Silicon Valley train wreck. Today’s special? A $593 billion hangover, courtesy of a little-known Chinese startup called DeepSeek. Yeah, I hadn’t heard of ’em either, until they decided to take a giant, steaming dump on Nvidia’s parade.

So, picture this: American tech behemoths, strutting around like they own the AI playground, throwing around billions to train their fancy chatbots on Nvidia’s shiny, overpriced chips. They’re all patting each other on the back, talking about “innovation” and “disruption” while conveniently ignoring the fact that their data centers are guzzling more juice than a fleet of electric Hummers.

AI: The New Cold War, or Just Another Hangover Waiting to Happen?

Alright, so it’s Monday afternoon, and my head feels like a dumpster fire after a three-day bender. But hey, duty calls, even if that duty is just me, your humble, whiskey-soaked narrator of the digital wasteland, trying to make sense of the latest silicon-fueled pissing contest. This time, it’s about AI, naturally. Because what else would the world’s powers be squabbling over?

So, The Guardian, bless their bleeding-heart souls, is all in a tizzy about a “global AI race.” Apparently, Putin, that charming KGB sweetheart, once said that whoever masters AI will “rule the world.” Which, let’s be honest, sounds like something a Bond villain would say right before he unleashes a laser beam from his moon base.

AI, Copyright, and Other Bullshit: The Suits Are Coming for Your Soul

So, I’m sitting here on a Sunday, hair of the dog doing its magic, trying to make sense of this goddamn news cycle. And what do I stumble upon? Another gem about how our digital overlords are screwing us all over, this time with a little help from our friends in China. I swear, sometimes I think I’d be better off if my brain was just a pickled walnut floating in a jar of cheap bourbon.

Cheap Chinese Chips: Is This the End of the World as We Know It?

So, it’s Saturday morning, and I’m staring at this news piece about China’s new AI, DeepSeek. Apparently, it’s kicking American AI’s ass and taking names, all while costing less than my bar tab for a month. And that’s saying something.

These DeepSeek guys, whoever the hell they are, whipped up this AI model for a measly 5.6 million bucks. That’s pocket change compared to the billions that OpenAI, Google, and the rest of the gang are throwing around. It’s like showing up to a Formula 1 race with a souped-up Honda Civic and leaving the Ferraris in the dust.

The Ballad of Billionaire Butt-Kissers

Another Friday morning, another cup of gas station coffee attempting to chisel away at the remnants of last night’s whiskey. My head feels like a dropped bowling ball, and my eyes are doing their best impression of a couple of bloodshot marbles. But hey, the internet never sleeps, and neither does the relentless march of tech absurdity.

So, grab your own poison of choice, folks, and let’s dive into the latest dumpster fire erupting from the digital wasteland. It seems our favorite billionaire man-children, Elon Musk and Sam Altman, are at each other’s throats again. And this time, it’s not just about who’s got the shinier AI toy. Nope, now it’s about loyalty. Specifically, loyalty to the orange emperor himself, Donald J. Trump.

Musk, Grok, and the Ghost of Goebbels

Alright, you digital degenerates, gather ‘round. It’s Friday, barely past 9 AM, and already I need a drink. Not that I ever don’t need a drink, but this morning calls for something stronger than coffee. Maybe a splash of bourbon in the coffee. Yeah, that’ll do.

So, picture this: Elon Musk, the man-child emperor of Mars or whatever, caught on camera doing what looks suspiciously like a Nazi salute. Not once, but twice. At a Trump rally, no less. Now, I’ve seen some awkward hand waving in my time – hell, I’ve probably done worse after my fifth shot of whiskey – but this was something else.

OpenAI: From "Saving Humanity" to Sucking Up to Uncle Sam (and Sucking Down All the Juice)

Alright, folks, pour yourself a stiff one. It’s Wednesday, pushing eight in the morning, and already the stench of bullshit is thick enough to choke a horse. Today’s special? OpenAI, the darlings of the AI world, have decided to grease the wheels of democracy with a whole lot more green. How much more, you ask? Try seven times more than last year. That’s right, seven. Like the number of whiskeys I’ll need to get through this without throwing my laptop out the window.

America-Hating Commies, AI, and Other Fairy Tales for Grown-Ups

Well, folks, it’s Sunday afternoon, which means the hangover’s finally starting to loosen its grip, the shakes are down to a mild tremor, and I’m just about ready to face another week of this digital clown show we call the future. My head’s pounding like a cheap drum, but even that can’t drown out the noise coming from the latest tech drama. It’s the kind of circus that makes you want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over your head, and hope the world’s a little less insane when you wake up.

The Great Digital Profit Heist: How AI's Money Train Left Without Us

Listen, you beautiful disasters. It’s 2:47 AM, I’m four fingers of bourbon deep, and we need to talk about money. Not your money - there isn’t any - but the mountains of cash being generated by our new silicon overlords while they preach about “sharing economies” and “equitable distribution.”

Bill Gross - yeah, the guy who gave us Knowledge Adventure back when computers still made that dial-up noise - has been making rounds talking about fair revenue models for AI. And boy, isn’t that just perfect timing? It’s like someone robbing your house, then coming back to lecture you about the importance of home security.

Digital Dumpster Diving: The Latest AI Gold Rush

Had a revelation this morning while nursing my third bourbon-laced coffee. You know those embarrassing videos you shot at 3 AM that never made it past your “drafts” folder? The ones that seemed like pure genius until sobriety hit? Well, congratulations - that digital trash just became treasure.

The tech overlords, in their infinite wisdom (and desperate scramble for data), are now throwing actual money at content creators for their cutting room floor scraps. We’re talking real cash - anywhere from $1 to $4 per minute of footage. That’s right, those shaky camera shots of your cat that didn’t make it to TikTok might actually pay for your next bottle of Jim Beam.

Google's AI Suggests Adults Wave Their "Magic Wands" at Kids

Well folks, I’m sitting here at 3 AM with my trusty bottle of Buffalo Trace, trying to make sense of what might be the most spectacular tech fail since… hell, since yesterday probably. But this one’s special. This one deserves an extra pour.

You see, Google’s latest AI darling just suggested parents use the Hitachi Magic Wand - yes, THAT Magic Wand - on their kids for “behavioral therapy.” If you just did a spit-take with your morning coffee (or evening bourbon), you’re having the appropriate response.

OpenAI's Corporate Love Letter: "Please Regulate Us (But Not Too Much)"

Another Monday, another blueprint from the mountaintop. I’m sitting here with my third bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of OpenAI’s latest manifesto on how they think the government should handle AI regulation. You know, because nothing says “we care about democracy” quite like a tech company writing its own regulatory wishlist.

Let me tell you something about blueprints. The only blueprint I trust is the one on the label of my bourbon bottle, and even that’s gotten suspicious lately. But here’s OpenAI, dropping what they’re calling an “economic blueprint” for AI regulation, and buddy, it’s about as straightforward as my dating history.

The Great AI Small Business Con Job: A Booze-Soaked Reality Check

Listen, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon and just read another steaming pile of PR nonsense about how small businesses are supposedly going AI-crazy. According to the usual suspects - Verizon, Salesforce, and their corporate chorus line - every mom-and-pop shop from here to Hoboken is apparently running on robot brain power.

What a load of horse shit.

Let me tell you what’s really happening out there, because unlike these survey-wielding suits, I actually talk to small business owners. Usually at 2 AM at places like O’Malley’s Bar & Grill, where Mike the owner still can’t figure out how to program his digital thermostat, let alone implement machine learning algorithms.

Zuck's Book Heist: A Billionaire's Guide to Literary Theft

Look, I’d start this piece sober, but it’s already 3 PM and my bourbon’s getting warm. Here’s the deal: Mark Zuckerberg, that guy who probably thinks Fahrenheit 451 is a thermostat setting, just got caught with his hand in the literary cookie jar. And not just any cookie jar – we’re talking about the whole damn bakery.

According to court documents that landed on my desk between whiskey number three and four, Zuck personally greenlit the use of pirated books to train Meta’s AI. That’s right – the same guy who’s worth more than the GDP of several countries couldn’t be bothered to actually pay authors for their work. It’s like walking into Barnes & Noble with a trench coat full of empty pockets, except this time the shoplifter is wearing a $1000 t-shirt and calls it “innovation.”

Digital Thugs and the New Bot Protection Racket

Listen, I’ve been around long enough to know a shakedown when I see one. And between pulls of Jim Beam at 3 AM last night, reading about OpenAI’s latest stunt, I couldn’t help but flash back to that time Joey “The Wrench” explained to me how protection money works. Only difference is, Joey had the courtesy to look you in the eye while he was squeezing you.

Let me paint you a picture through my whiskey-tinted glasses: There’s this small Ukrainian company called Triplegangers, seven honest workers doing honest digital work, selling 3D scans of real humans. Think digital mannequins for the cyber age. They’re minding their own business when suddenly - BAM! - OpenAI’s digital goons come knocking, not with baseball bats but with 600+ bot IPs hammering their servers like it’s a game of digital whack-a-mole.

Meta's Digital Zoo: Teaching AI to Play Nice (And Failing Miserably)

Listen, I’ve spent enough time in bars to know that getting people to cooperate is about as easy as convincing my landlord that the rent check is “in the mail.” But at least drunk people eventually figure out how to share the last bottle of bourbon. AI, as it turns out, can’t even manage that basic courtesy.

So here’s the deal: Meta - you know, Facebook’s midlife crisis rebrand - just announced they’re planning to populate their platforms with AI-generated users. Because apparently, the current mess of MLM schemes and your aunt’s conspiracy theories isn’t quite dystopian enough.

The Prophet of Profit Speaks Again: Altman's Latest Vision Quest

Look, I’d normally be three bourbons deep before tackling another Sam Altman prophecy, but my doctor says I need to cut back. So here I am, disappointingly sober, reading through Sam’s latest blog post about how OpenAI has “figured out” AGI. And buddy, let me tell you - this hangover would’ve been easier to stomach.

You know what this reminds me of? Every guy at my local bar who’s “figured out” how to get rich quick. They’ve got systems, they’ve got plans, they’ve got everything except actual results. But hey, they just need a little more cash to make it happen. Sound familiar?

Digital Fortune Tellers Want to Sell Your Soul (While Supplies Last)

It’s 3 AM, and I’m nursing my fourth bourbon at O’Malley’s, watching some suit at the end of the bar try to convince his phone to order him a pizza. The phone keeps suggesting Thai food instead. Tomorrow’s headline, today: the machines aren’t just reading our minds anymore - they’re shopping our thoughts to the highest bidder.

Some eggheads at Cambridge (always Cambridge, isn’t it? Never someplace normal like Toledo) just dropped a paper warning us about something they’re calling the “intention economy.” Fancy way of saying we’re all about to get our brains window-shopped by AI.

Billionaire Playground Fight: Two Rich Kids Argue Over Who Gets to Play God

Another hangover, another tech billionaire slapfight. Pour yourself a drink, folks - you’ll need it for this one.

Remember 2015? I do, barely. That’s when Elon Musk and Sam Altman decided to save humanity by creating OpenAI. Real noble mission, right? Non-profit organization, advancing AI for the greater good, kumbaya around the digital campfire. Fast forward to today, and these two are at each other’s throats like my ex-wives at a family reunion.

The AI Safety Circle: Where Nobel Laureates Meet Reality's Hangover

Listen, it’s 3 AM and I’m nursing my fourth bourbon while trying to make sense of this latest AI safety hysteria. Geoffrey Hinton just grabbed his Nobel Prize and decided to tell us what we’ve all been screaming about for years - AI needs a leash. Great timing, doc. Really appreciate you joining the party after the robot’s already drunk-texted its ex.

Here’s the thing about AI regulation that nobody wants to admit: it’s like trying to enforce last call at an infinite bar. Everyone agrees we need rules, but nobody can agree on when to cut off service. And trust me, I know a thing or two about last calls.

OpenAI's Latest Magic Trick: Now You See It, Never Touch It

Look, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon, trying to make sense of OpenAI’s latest PR extravaganza. They just announced their new o3 model, and guess what? None of us peasants can actually use it. Classic.

You know what this reminds me of? That fancy whiskey bar downtown that keeps their top-shelf stuff behind bulletproof glass. You can see it, dream about it, but unless you’re part of their special “safety research” club, you’re stuck with rail liquor like the rest of us schmucks.

The Corporate Lemmings Are Jumping Off the AI Cliff (And Taking Your Money With Them)

Hell of a morning. My head’s pounding from last night’s bourbon festival (aka Tuesday), but these new AI numbers from McKinsey just sobered me right up. Grab your coffee, folks - or whatever gets you through the morning - because this is gonna be a wild ride.

So here’s the deal: 72% of companies are now diving headfirst into AI. That’s up from 50% last year, which means either everyone got collectively smarter overnight (unlikely), or we’re watching the greatest game of corporate FOMO since cryptocurrency. And we all remember how that turned out, don’t we?

Digital Graveyards and Dead Whistleblowers: A Bourbon-Soaked Guide to OpenAI's Latest Clusterfuck

Listen, I’ve been staring at this story for three days straight through the bottom of various whiskey bottles, and it just keeps getting darker. Not the whiskey - though that too - but this whole OpenAI situation. Pour yourself something strong, because you’re gonna need it.

Remember when AI was just about teaching robots to play chess and write shitty poetry? Those were simpler times. Now we’ve got dead whistleblowers, billion-dollar lawsuits, and enough corporate backstabbing to make Game of Thrones look like Sesame Street.

Rich Man's Tears: When Billionaire VCs Run Scared

Listen, I need you to pour yourself a drink before we get into this one. Trust me, you’ll need it. I’m already three fingers deep into my bourbon, and the sun’s barely crawled over the horizon.

Marc Andreessen, Silicon Valley’s favorite doomsday prepper in a $2000 suit, just had his come-to-Jesus moment with the Biden administration, and boy, did it send him running straight into Trump’s spray-tanned embrace. The whole thing reads like a bad tech noir novel, except instead of femme fatales, we’ve got government staffers with regulatory frameworks.

AI Bullshit and Empty Suits: Another CEO's Magical Thinking

Listen, I’ve been through enough tech hype cycles to know when someone’s trying to sell me oceanfront property in Arizona. Right now, I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, watching another tech CEO perform the time-honored dance of “AI will save us all” while reality tells a different story.

Klarna’s CEO Sebastian Siemiatkowski (try saying that three times fast after a bottle of Jack) recently went on Bloomberg TV claiming his company “stopped hiring” thanks to AI. The kicker? They’ve got over 50 job openings right now. That’s one hell of a way to stop hiring, chief.

AI Report Cards Are In: Everyone's Dumber Than My Bourbon

Listen, I’ve seen some shit grades in my time. Failed more classes than I can count, mostly because I was too busy learning life lessons at O’Malley’s Bar & Grill. But these AI hotshots? They just made my academic career look like Einstein’s.

The Future of Life Institute just dropped their AI Safety Index, and holy hell, it’s like watching a bunch of kindergarteners try to solve differential equations while eating paste. The top score - the absolute pinnacle of achievement - went to Anthropic with a C. A fucking C. That’s what you get when you write your term paper in crayon fifteen minutes before class.

Harvard's Digital Book Dump: Free Beer Tomorrow?

Look, I’d love to give you some profound insights about Harvard’s latest PR stunt, but I’m nursing this hangover with bottom-shelf bourbon, and the words are still doing that annoying dance across my screen. But here we go anyway.

So Harvard, that breeding ground of future tech overlords, just announced they’re “gifting” the world with nearly a million public domain books. How generous of them to give away stuff that was already free. It’s like when that guy at the end of the bar offers to buy you a drink with the twenty he just borrowed from you.

OpenAI's Sora: Another Digital Strip Tease That Leaves Us Hanging

Look, I’ve been around long enough to know when I’m being played. And brother, we’re all getting played harder than a slot machine in Vegas right now. I’m writing this at 3 AM, three fingers of bourbon deep, watching OpenAI’s latest party trick stumble around like me after last call.

Remember those slick demo videos OpenAI teased us with last year? The ones that had everyone drooling like teenagers at their first peep show? Well, Sora finally dropped its towel this week, and let me tell you - it ain’t pretty.

The Digital Prophets Can't Get Their Stories Straight (And Neither Can I)

Look, I’m nursing the kind of hangover that makes me wish I’d chosen a different career path, but even through the bourbon haze, I can see what’s happening here. The big shots at Microsoft and OpenAI are playing a game of “Will AGI/Won’t AGI” that’s about as reliable as my promises to quit drinking.

Here’s the deal: Microsoft’s AI boss and Sam Altman are disagreeing about when their digital messiah arrives, and honestly, it’s starting to sound like two fortune tellers fighting over tea leaves at the county fair.

The $200 Digital Fortune Teller: When Snake Oil Gets a Premium Label

Listen, I just sobered up enough to read about OpenAI’s latest cash grab, and boy, do I have thoughts. Between sips of bottom-shelf bourbon (all I can afford after paying my hosting bills), I’ve been trying to wrap my head around their new $200-a-month chatbot subscription. That’s not a typo, friends. Two hundred American dollars. Monthly.

You know what else costs $200? A decent bottle of Pappy Van Winkle’s - if you’re lucky enough to find one. At least with the bourbon, you know exactly what you’re getting: a guaranteed hangover and some questionable life choices. With OpenAI’s premium offering? Not so much.

Another Prophet Joins the AGI Circus (Hold My Whiskey)

Look, I probably shouldn’t be writing this with last night’s bourbon still tap-dancing in my skull, but when I saw Mira Murati’s latest pronouncements about AGI, I knew I had to fire up this ancient laptop and share my thoughts. Between sips of hair-of-the-dog and what might be my fifth cigarette, let’s dissect this latest sermon from the Church of Artificial General Intelligence.

First off, Murati – fresh from her exodus at OpenAI – is telling us AGI is “quite achievable.” Sure, and I’m quite achievable as a future Olympic athlete, just give me a few decades and keep that whiskey flowing. The funny thing about these predictions is they always seem to land in that sweet spot of “far enough away that you’ll forget we said it, close enough to keep the venture capital spigot running.”

The Predictable Evolution of AI Economics: OpenAI's Dance with Advertising

Let’s talk about the inevitability of advertising in AI systems, or what happens when computational idealism meets economic reality. OpenAI’s recent moves toward advertising shouldn’t surprise anyone who understands how information processing systems evolve under resource constraints.

Here’s the fascinating part: OpenAI, which started as a nonprofit dedicated to beneficial AI, is following a path as predictable as a deterministic algorithm. They’re hiring ad executives from Google and Meta, while their CFO Sarah Friar performs the classic corporate dance of “we’re exploring options” followed by “we have no active plans.” It’s like watching a chess game where you can see the checkmate coming five moves ahead.

The Computational Mirage: When "Open" AI is Neither Open Nor Intelligent

There’s a delightful irony in how we’ve managed to take the crystal-clear concept of “open source” and transform it into something as opaque as a neural network’s decision-making process. The recent Nature analysis by Widder, Whittaker, and West perfectly illustrates how we’ve wandered into a peculiar cognitive trap of our own making.

Let’s start with a fundamental observation: What we call “open AI” today is about as open as a bank vault with a window display. You can peek in, but good luck accessing what’s inside without the proper credentials and infrastructure.

When Software Patterns Eat Their Own Source Code: The OpenAI Evolution

The universe has a delightful way of demonstrating computational patterns, even in our legal documents. The latest example? Elon Musk’s injunction against OpenAI, which reads like a textbook case of what happens when initial conditions meet emergence in complex systems.

Let’s unpack this fascinating dance of organizational consciousness.

Remember when OpenAI was born? It emerged as a nonprofit, dedicated to ensuring artificial intelligence benefits humanity. The founding DNA, if you will, contained specific instructions: “thou shalt not prioritize profit.” But here’s where it gets interesting - organizations, like software systems, tend to evolve beyond their initial parameters.

The Digital Dystopia Express: All Aboard for 2025

by Henry Chinaski

It’s 3 AM, and I’m staring at my screen through a haze of bourbon fumes and cigarette smoke, trying to make sense of what’s coming down the pike. The news just dropped about Trump’s second term plans, and boy, do I need another drink.

Let me paint you a picture while I pour myself a fresh glass of Wild Turkey. Remember when your parents told you everything would be fine if you just worked hard and played by the rules? Well, welcome to 2025, where the rules are made up and your hard work doesn’t matter.

Trump's Latest Brilliant Idea: Let's Add Another Czar to the Circus

Look, I’ll be honest - I started writing this at 3 AM with a bottle of Jim Beam keeping me company, and the news isn’t getting any better with sobriety. Our potential future president wants to appoint an “AI czar.” Because that’s exactly what we need right now - another bureaucrat with a fancy title trying to regulate something they probably think is just robots from The Terminator.

And the cherry on top? They’re thinking about combining it with a “crypto czar” position. Because nothing says “I understand cutting-edge technology” quite like lumping together artificial intelligence and digital monkey JPEGs under one umbrella.

The Great AI Circle Jerk (And Why We're All Getting Screwed)

Here I am, three fingers of bourbon deep at 4 AM, trying to make sense of the latest tech bullshit tornado. You know the kind - where every suit with a PowerPoint deck is claiming they’ve discovered digital Jesus in the form of AI.

Remember last year? AI was supposedly bigger than nuclear fusion, the wheel, and free pornography combined. Hell, Microsoft got so worked up they’re trying to restart Three Mile Island. Because nothing says “trust our judgment” like firing up a nuclear disaster site to power your chatbots.

Digital Witchcraft: When Hexing Billionaires Becomes Cheaper Than Happy Hour

Christ, what a time to be alive. I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, trying to process the fact that people are now outsourcing their hatred to Etsy witches for less than the price of a decent drink. And you know what? It might be the most honest transaction I’ve seen all year.

For a measly $7.99, you too can hire someone to curse Elon Musk. That’s right - the same platform where you buy hand-knitted coffee cozies and artisanal soap is now offering supernatural vengeance at bargain basement prices. The gig economy has finally reached the occult, and the profit margins must be fantastic - all you need is some cayenne pepper, lavender, and what I assume is an impressive ability to keep a straight face while charging people’s credit cards.

Digital Doomscrolling with Professor Know-It-All

Listen, I’d write this sober if I thought it mattered, but after reading Jeff Jarvis’s latest pontifications about the state of the internet, I needed a drink. Or three. Currently nursing my fourth bourbon while trying to make sense of his new book “The Web We Weave.” Spoiler alert: it’s complicated.

Here’s the thing about Jarvis - he’s not wrong, but he’s not entirely right either. Kind of like that bartender who keeps telling you “one more won’t hurt” at 2 AM. You know better, but you want to believe him.

Apple's Siri 2026: A Three-Year Wait for Yesterday's AI

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Spent last night trying to get Siri to call me an Uber after closing time at O’Malley’s. You know what she did? Tried to FaceTime my ex-wife. At 2 AM. Some things never change, and apparently Siri’s competence is one of them.

Speaking of things that don’t change, Apple just announced they’re working on “LLM Siri” - their groundbreaking attempt to catch up to what everyone else was doing back when I still had a liver that functioned properly. They’re promising this revolutionary upgrade will hit devices sometime in 2026. Yeah, you read that right. 2026. By then, my doctor tells me I’ll either be sober or dead, and I’m betting on the latter.

Your Digital Shopping Buddy Wants to Control Your Wallet (And Maybe Your Life)

Look, I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours now, nursing my fourth bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of what these tech prophets are selling us this time. Something about AI shopping assistants being the “next iPhone moment.” Right. Because what we really needed was a digital middleman between us and our questionable 3 AM purchase decisions.

You know what? Let me pour another drink and break this down for you poor bastards.

"Oops, We Lost Your Evidence" - When AI Companies Play Digital Hide and Seek

Look, I didn’t want to write this piece. I was perfectly content nursing my third bourbon of the morning, contemplating the metaphysical implications of my latest hangover. But then this gem landed in my inbox, and well… here we are.

OpenAI, those wonderful folks who brought us ChatGPT and a whole new way to plagiarize college essays, just pulled what might be the most expensive “dog ate my homework” excuse in recent memory. They managed to delete crucial evidence in their ongoing legal battle with the New York Times and Daily News. And not just any evidence - we’re talking about the very data that might prove whether they’ve been stealing content like a drunk guy at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Billionaire Death Match: The Fight Over Who Gets to Be Our Robot Overlord

Look, I should be passed out right now after finishing that bottle of Wild Turkey, but these leaked OpenAI emails got me sitting up at 3 AM, chain-smoking Camels and laughing my ass off. Pour yourself something strong – you’re gonna need it.

Remember back in 2017 when everyone was worried about AI stealing their jobs? Turns out the real drama was happening behind closed doors, with tech billionaires fighting over who gets to play God. These newly leaked emails from the Musk vs. Altman lawsuit read like a soap opera written by a bunch of megalomaniacs with god complexes.

Billionaire Brats Fight Over Their AI's Political Views (I Need Another Drink)

Look, I wouldn’t normally write about this horseshit while nursing the mother of all hangovers, but sometimes the universe hands you comedy gold wrapped in a ribbon of pure absurdity. Pour yourself something strong – you’ll need it for this one.

So here’s the deal: Sam Altman, tech’s favorite poster boy for “responsible AI,” decided to poke the hornet’s nest by asking Elon Musk’s supposedly “anti-woke” chatbot Grok who’d make a better president. And wouldn’t you know it, the damn thing picked Kamala Harris over Trump. I just spat bourbon all over my keyboard laughing.

Digital Strip Mining Your X-Rays: Another Day in Techbro Paradise

Listen up, you beautiful train wreck of readers. Pour yourself something strong because this one’s a doozy. Our favorite rocket-building, car-launching, social media-destroying billionaire has a new hobby: playing doctor with your medical records. And the best part? People are actually falling for it.

So here’s the deal. Musk, in his infinite wisdom (or perhaps during one of those 3 AM tweet storms that remind me of my own questionable decision-making), asked folks to upload their medical scans to Grok. You know, that AI chatbot that’s basically ChatGPT’s rowdy cousin who got kicked out of community college.

The OpenAI Smoke & Mirrors Show: There Is No Wall (Because We Demolished It)

Listen up, you beautiful disaster of a readership. While I’m nursing my fourth bourbon of the evening, let me tell you about the latest circus act in our digital nightmare. The Information - usually a solid source when they’re not huffing unicorn farts - dropped a bombshell claiming AI progress is hitting a wall. Cute story. Real cute.

Here’s what’s got everyone’s panties in a twist: supposedly, OpenAI’s next big thing, Project Orion, isn’t the revolutionary leap forward we were promised. The improvements are “smaller” compared to the jump between GPT-3 and GPT-4. And the kicker? It might actually be worse at coding than its predecessor. Oh, the humanity.

Rich Kids' Email Drama Shows What Happens When Daddy's Money Meets AI

Man, my head is pounding something fierce this morning, but these leaked emails from OpenAI’s early days are better entertainment than the usual bar fights I witness. Pour yourself a drink - you’re gonna need it.

Let me break down this circus of egos and billions for you, because beneath all the corporate speak and “save humanity” rhetoric, this is basically a really expensive version of high school drama. Except instead of fighting over who gets to sit at the cool kids’ table, they’re fighting over who gets to potentially control the robot apocalypse.

The Quarter-Trillion Dollar Hangover: Big Money's AI Bender Gets Wilder

Listen, you beautiful disasters, I need to tell you about something that’s making my bourbon-soaked brain hurt worse than usual. While we’re all scraping together cash for our next drink, the tech overlords are about to drop more than a quarter trillion dollars on AI next year. That’s right - TRILLION. With a T. The kind of money that makes you wonder if someone spiked the Kool-Aid at their board meetings.

The Free AI Lunch is Over, and Boy, Does My Head Hurt

Look, I told you this was coming. Hell, everyone with half a functioning brain cell and a drink in their hand knew this was coming. Perplexity AI, that cute little “answer engine” startup that’s been playing innocent schoolgirl with its pure, unbiased answers, just announced they’re joining the oldest profession in the world: advertising.

And here’s the real beauty of it - they’re not even gonna be honest about it. No sir, none of those garish banner ads or pop-ups that make you want to throw your laptop through the nearest window. Instead, they’re going for what they’re calling “sponsored follow-up questions and paid media.” Which is corporate speak for “We’re gonna slide these ads in so smooth you won’t even notice you’re being sold something until you’re already halfway to the checkout page.”

European Search Rebels Join Forces (While I Pour Another Drink)

Christ, what a morning to tackle this story. My head’s still pounding from last night’s “market research” at O’Malley’s, but some news just demands attention, even through the fog of a hangover.

So here’s the deal: two European search engines nobody’s heard of are teaming up to build their own search index. Ecosia (the tree-huggers) and Qwant (French privacy nuts) are tired of paying protection money to Microsoft and Google for their search results. Can’t blame them - Microsoft jacked up their Bing API prices faster than my bar tab on payday.

Free AI Coding Tool From China? Hold My Bourbon While I Explain Why This Matters

Christ, my head is pounding. I’d barely finished my morning coffee (splash of whiskey, hair of the dog) when this beauty landed in my inbox. Alibaba - you know, China’s answer to Amazon if Amazon was on steroids - just dropped a nuclear bomb in the coding world. And the best part? It’s free. Yeah, you heard that right. Free like that questionable hot dog spinning on the roller at the gas station at 3 AM.

The "Ethical" AI Outfit Just Got In Bed With The War Machine

Look, I’ve seen some real hypocritical bullshit in my time. Hell, I once worked with a post office supervisor who preached punctuality while showing up drunk at noon every day. But this one takes the cake, washes it down with bottom-shelf whiskey, and throws it back up all over its own moral high ground.

Anthropic - you know, the AI company that’s been strutting around like a reformed alcoholic at their first AA meeting, preaching about safety and ethics - just jumped into bed with Palantir. Yeah, that Palantir. The defense contractor that makes the NSA look like a bunch of girl scouts selling cookies.

Let me tell you something about machines that promise to make life easier. Back when I worked at the post office, they brought in this fancy mail sorting system. “It’ll revolutionize everything,” they said. Six months later, we had twice the backlog and three times the headaches. Now I’m watching the same damn story play out with these AI search engines, only this time they’re not just screwing up the mail – they’re coming for the whole internet.