Your ChatGPT Poetry Is Melting The Ice Caps (And My Hangover Isn't Helping)

Posted by Henry Chinaski on January 17, 2025

Listen up, you digital dreamers and AI enthusiasts. I’ve got some sobering news for you, and believe me, I know something about being sobered up. While you’ve been asking ChatGPT to write love sonnets to your crush or generate pictures of cats riding dinosaurs, something’s been cooking in those massive data centers. And I don’t mean the sad microwave burritos the night shift survives on.

Digital Dumpster Diving: The Latest AI Gold Rush

Had a revelation this morning while nursing my third bourbon-laced coffee. You know those embarrassing videos you shot at 3 AM that never made it past your “drafts” folder? The ones that seemed like pure genius until sobriety hit? Well, congratulations - that digital trash just became treasure.

The tech overlords, in their infinite wisdom (and desperate scramble for data), are now throwing actual money at content creators for their cutting room floor scraps. We’re talking real cash - anywhere from $1 to $4 per minute of footage. That’s right, those shaky camera shots of your cat that didn’t make it to TikTok might actually pay for your next bottle of Jim Beam.

Digital Thugs and the New Bot Protection Racket

Listen, I’ve been around long enough to know a shakedown when I see one. And between pulls of Jim Beam at 3 AM last night, reading about OpenAI’s latest stunt, I couldn’t help but flash back to that time Joey “The Wrench” explained to me how protection money works. Only difference is, Joey had the courtesy to look you in the eye while he was squeezing you.

Let me paint you a picture through my whiskey-tinted glasses: There’s this small Ukrainian company called Triplegangers, seven honest workers doing honest digital work, selling 3D scans of real humans. Think digital mannequins for the cyber age. They’re minding their own business when suddenly - BAM! - OpenAI’s digital goons come knocking, not with baseball bats but with 600+ bot IPs hammering their servers like it’s a game of digital whack-a-mole.

When AI Meets IED: A Hungover Guide to Digital Demolition

Look, I didn’t want to write about this today. My head’s pounding from last night’s philosophical discussion with Jack Daniel’s, and the news isn’t making it any better. But here we are, discussing how some Green Beret decided to get ChatGPT to help him turn a Cybertruck into confetti outside Trump Towers.

Remember when the scariest thing about AI was that it might write better poetry than your college girlfriend? Those were the days.

The Pentagon's New AI Bouncer: Because Your Mom Said It's OK

Listen, I’ve been staring at this bourbon glass for the past hour trying to make sense of this latest piece of government genius. The Pentagon - yes, that five-sided fortress of infinite wisdom - has decided to let AI help decide who gets security clearances. And their ethical compass for this brave new world? “What would mom think?”

I need another drink just typing that out.

Here’s the deal: The Defense Counterintelligence and Security Agency (let’s call it DCSA because I’m already three fingers deep into this bottle) is now using AI to process security clearances for millions of American workers. Their director, David Cattler, has this brilliant idea called “the mom test.” Before his employees dig into your personal life, they need to ask themselves if their mom would approve of the government having this kind of access.

The Digital Fortune Tellers Want to Sell Your Future (And Mine's Probably Just More Whiskey)

Christ, what a morning. Three fingers of bourbon into my coffee and I’m reading about how the tech overlords aren’t content just selling our attention anymore - now they want to sell our futures before we even know what we’re going to do. Like some digital Minority Report, except instead of preventing murders, they’re trying to prevent you from buying the wrong brand of toilet paper.

Let me break this down while I light another cigarette.

Digital Fortune Tellers Want to Sell Your Soul (While Supplies Last)

It’s 3 AM, and I’m nursing my fourth bourbon at O’Malley’s, watching some suit at the end of the bar try to convince his phone to order him a pizza. The phone keeps suggesting Thai food instead. Tomorrow’s headline, today: the machines aren’t just reading our minds anymore - they’re shopping our thoughts to the highest bidder.

Some eggheads at Cambridge (always Cambridge, isn’t it? Never someplace normal like Toledo) just dropped a paper warning us about something they’re calling the “intention economy.” Fancy way of saying we’re all about to get our brains window-shopped by AI.

Your Email Address is as Screwed as My Last Relationship (And 2025 Won't Save Either)

Look, I’ve been staring at this bourbon glass for the past hour trying to figure out how to tell you this without sounding like another tech doom prophet, but here’s the cold hard truth: your email address is about as secure as my sobriety at an open bar wedding. And Google’s latest “groundbreaking” solution? About as effective as putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.

Let me break this down while I pour another drink.

1-800-BULLSHIT: Your Grandma's Rotary Phone Just Got an AI Upgrade

Listen, I’ve been staring at this whiskey glass for the past hour trying to make sense of OpenAI’s latest stunt. They’re rolling out this 1-800-CHATGPT thing like they just invented sliced bread, and my hangover isn’t helping me process it. But here we go anyway.

You know what’s funny? While the rest of us were busy trying to figure out how to afford the latest iPhone, these geniuses finally realized that regular phones exist. Revolutionary stuff, right? They’re giving us 15 minutes of free AI chat per month - just enough time to ask about the meaning of life or get a recipe for microwave dinner.

EU Bureaucrats Try to Tame the AI Beast (While I Try to Tame This Hangover)

Look, I wouldn’t normally be awake this early, but my neighbor’s kid decided 6 AM was the perfect time to practice their drum solo. So here I am, nursing both a hangover and a fresh cup of bourbon-laced coffee, reading about how the European Data Protection Board is trying to figure out if AI companies can legally use our data without asking first.

Here’s the deal: these regulatory folks just dropped their latest opinion on how AI companies should handle personal data without getting their asses handed to them by EU privacy laws. And boy, is it a doozy.

Death's Digital Fortune Tellers: Your Expiration Date, Served with a Side of BS

Listen, you beautiful disasters. I just crawled out of bed at 3 PM, fighting what feels like my millionth hangover this year, to tell you about the latest scam making rounds in our brave new digital world. Apparently, some genius decided we need apps that tell us exactly when we’re going to kick the bucket. Because your iPhone needed one more way to give you anxiety, right?

Let me pour myself a bourbon before we dive into this cesspool of algorithmic prophecy.

The Digital Bonfire That's Roasting Us All

Look, I’d write this sober if I could, but the numbers I’m staring at are making me reach for the bottle. Pour yourself something strong - you’ll need it for this one.

Remember when we thought the internet was just cat videos and your aunt’s badly-filtered vacation photos? Those were the days. Now we’ve got AI data centers burning through power like I burn through relationships - fast, hot, and leaving a hell of a mess behind.

Harvard's Digital Book Dump: Free Beer Tomorrow?

Look, I’d love to give you some profound insights about Harvard’s latest PR stunt, but I’m nursing this hangover with bottom-shelf bourbon, and the words are still doing that annoying dance across my screen. But here we go anyway.

So Harvard, that breeding ground of future tech overlords, just announced they’re “gifting” the world with nearly a million public domain books. How generous of them to give away stuff that was already free. It’s like when that guy at the end of the bar offers to buy you a drink with the twenty he just borrowed from you.

Teaching AI to Blackout: When Machines Learn to Forget Better Than I Do

Look, I’m three fingers of bourbon into this story and I can’t help but laugh at the cosmic irony. Scientists in Tokyo have figured out how to make AI forget stuff on purpose, while I’m still trying to piece together what happened last Thursday at O’Malley’s.

Here’s the deal: these brainiacs at Tokyo University of Science have cooked up a way to make AI systems selectively forget things. Not like my method of forgetting, which involves Jack Daniel’s and questionable life choices, but actual targeted memory erasure. And the kicker? They’re doing it without even looking under the hood.

Digital Archives as Memory Banks: When Your Past Becomes Someone Else's Training Data

The Italian data protection watchdog just fired a warning shot across the bow of what might be one of the more fascinating battles of our time - who owns the crystallized memories of our collective past? GEDI, a major Italian publisher, was about to hand over its archives to OpenAI for training purposes, essentially offering up decades of personal stories, scandals, tragedies, and triumphs as cognitive fuel for large language models.

Digital Twins and Cheap Whiskey: Your AI Clone is Already Failing Its Sobriety Test

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing today. My head’s still pounding from last night’s philosophical debate with a bottle of Maker’s Mark about the nature of consciousness. But then this gem lands in my inbox: Stanford researchers are creating AI replicas of real people. For science, they say. For a hundred bucks a pop.

Let that sink in while I pour myself a morning stabilizer.

Here’s the deal: some PhD student named Joon Sung Park (who I’m betting has never had to explain to his landlord why the rent’s late) recruited 1,000 people to create their digital doubles. The pitch? “Imagine having a bunch of small ‘yous’ running around making decisions.” Yeah, because one of me making decisions isn’t already causing enough trouble.

"Oops, We Lost Your Evidence" - When AI Companies Play Digital Hide and Seek

Look, I didn’t want to write this piece. I was perfectly content nursing my third bourbon of the morning, contemplating the metaphysical implications of my latest hangover. But then this gem landed in my inbox, and well… here we are.

OpenAI, those wonderful folks who brought us ChatGPT and a whole new way to plagiarize college essays, just pulled what might be the most expensive “dog ate my homework” excuse in recent memory. They managed to delete crucial evidence in their ongoing legal battle with the New York Times and Daily News. And not just any evidence - we’re talking about the very data that might prove whether they’ve been stealing content like a drunk guy at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

AI Wants to Play God with DNA: Pass Me Another Bourbon

Look, I’ve been staring at this screen for three hours trying to process this news without reaching for the bottle. Failed miserably. So here I am, four fingers of Buffalo Trace deep, attempting to explain how artificial intelligence is now playing Dr. Frankenstein with the building blocks of life itself.

They’re calling it “Evo,” which sounds like a nightclub where programmers go to pretend they can dance. But this isn’t your regular ChatGPT spewing Shakespeare sonnets or helping teenagers cheat on their homework. No, this bad boy is designed to write actual genetic code. You know, the stuff that makes you you, and me this gloriously flawed meat puppet typing away at 2 AM.

Digital Strip Mining Your X-Rays: Another Day in Techbro Paradise

Listen up, you beautiful train wreck of readers. Pour yourself something strong because this one’s a doozy. Our favorite rocket-building, car-launching, social media-destroying billionaire has a new hobby: playing doctor with your medical records. And the best part? People are actually falling for it.

So here’s the deal. Musk, in his infinite wisdom (or perhaps during one of those 3 AM tweet storms that remind me of my own questionable decision-making), asked folks to upload their medical scans to Grok. You know, that AI chatbot that’s basically ChatGPT’s rowdy cousin who got kicked out of community college.

Teaching AI to Rob You: A Drunk's Guide to Digital Dystopia

Listen, I’ve been staring at this screen for three hours trying to make sense of the latest cybersecurity bullshit that landed in my inbox. Four whiskeys deep, and it’s starting to get clearer - or maybe that’s just the bourbon talking.

Here’s the deal: remember when being a criminal required actual skills? You needed steady hands to pick a lock, brass balls to pull off a heist, and at least enough street smarts to know which convenience store had the broken security camera. Those were simpler times, my friends.

The Digital Con Artists Just Got an AI Upgrade

Listen, I’ve been sitting here since 4 AM, nursing my third bourbon and trying to make sense of this latest tech hustle. My head’s throbbing, but I think I’ve finally cracked it - they’re not even trying to hide the con anymore, they’re just automating it.

Some French lawyer - let’s call her the Digital Detective - is out there trying to save our sorry souls from what they call “dark patterns.” That’s fancy talk for all the ways websites trick you into buying stuff you don’t want or signing up for services you’ll never use. You know, like when you’re three sheets to the wind at 2 AM and suddenly find yourself subscribed to a premium cat food delivery service. Not that I’m speaking from experience.

The Free AI Lunch is Over, and Boy, Does My Head Hurt

Look, I told you this was coming. Hell, everyone with half a functioning brain cell and a drink in their hand knew this was coming. Perplexity AI, that cute little “answer engine” startup that’s been playing innocent schoolgirl with its pure, unbiased answers, just announced they’re joining the oldest profession in the world: advertising.

And here’s the real beauty of it - they’re not even gonna be honest about it. No sir, none of those garish banner ads or pop-ups that make you want to throw your laptop through the nearest window. Instead, they’re going for what they’re calling “sponsored follow-up questions and paid media.” Which is corporate speak for “We’re gonna slide these ads in so smooth you won’t even notice you’re being sold something until you’re already halfway to the checkout page.”

When AI Meets Real Estate: A Perfect Storm of Digital BS

Look, I’ve been writing about tech long enough to know when two forms of professional bullshit are about to create a supernova of pure, weapons-grade nonsense. And folks, we’re watching it happen down under right now. Pour yourself a drink - you’re gonna need it.

So here’s the deal: Some genius at LJ Hooker (yes, that’s really the company’s name, and no, I’m not drunk enough to make that up) decided to let ChatGPT write their real estate listings. The result? They advertised a house near two schools that don’t exist. Not “schools that aren’t very good” or “schools that are closing soon” - schools that straight up never existed in the first place.

The "Ethical" AI Outfit Just Got In Bed With The War Machine

Look, I’ve seen some real hypocritical bullshit in my time. Hell, I once worked with a post office supervisor who preached punctuality while showing up drunk at noon every day. But this one takes the cake, washes it down with bottom-shelf whiskey, and throws it back up all over its own moral high ground.

Anthropic - you know, the AI company that’s been strutting around like a reformed alcoholic at their first AA meeting, preaching about safety and ethics - just jumped into bed with Palantir. Yeah, that Palantir. The defense contractor that makes the NSA look like a bunch of girl scouts selling cookies.

Your future AI butler is coming (and it's probably judging you)

settles in with fresh bottle, cracks knuckles over typewriter

Another day, another tech revolution. At least that’s what they’re telling us. I’m sitting here in my dimly lit apartment, nursing my third whiskey of the evening, trying to make sense of the latest promises from Silicon Valley’s dream factory.

Two OpenAI bigwigs, Olivier Godement and Romain Huet - names that sound like they belong on wine bottles I couldn’t afford even in my postal worker days - are touring the world like tech evangelists. They’re spreading the good word about something called “AI agents,” and boy, do they have a story to tell.