Practice Your Pathetic Pickup Lines on a Toaster? Tinder Thinks So.

Alright, Wednesday morning. Sun’s stabbing me in the eyes through the grimy window, head feels like a sack of wet cement, and the first thing I see scrolling through the digital sewer pipe they call the news is this gem: Tinder wants you to practice flirting. Not with a bored bartender, not with the long-suffering cashier at the liquor store, not even with your own reflection after three whiskeys – no, with a goddamn AI bot.

AI Won't Write Your Shitty Novel, But It Might Polish Your Turds

So, Forbes, that bloated magazine your dentist keeps around to prove he’s vaguely “with it,” has decided to grace us with their wisdom on AI writing tools. Bless their hearts. They tested “tech, pet, fitness and home gear for decades,” which, I guess, qualifies them to judge the nuances of artificial intelligence attempting to mimic human creativity. Makes about as much sense as asking a plumber to perform open-heart surgery, but hey, who am I to judge? I’m just a guy with a keyboard and a liver that’s seen better days.

ChatGPT: Your New Best Friend (Who Will Gladly Stab You in the Back)

So, the geniuses at OpenAI, the folks churning out AI models faster than I go through a bottle of Four Roses, have finally admitted something we all secretly suspected. Turns out, talking to a goddamn computer all day might not be the best thing for your mental health. Who knew?

They did a study, see. Two studies, actually, one with MIT. Because when you need to figure out if talking to a chatbot is making people lonely, you naturally partner with MIT. I guess Harvard was busy trying to figure out how to make a robot that can fold laundry without setting the house on fire.

The Art Market's Latest Hustle: AI Paintings for Rich People Who Don't Get Art

Another Friday morning, another hangover, another story about rich people trying to convince themselves they understand both art and technology. Christie’s, that fancy auction house where billionaires go to launder their reputations, is holding their first AI art auction. They’re calling it “Augmented Intelligence” because apparently “Computer Goes Brrr” didn’t test well with their focus groups.

Let me take a sip of bourbon and break this down for you.

You know what’s funny about this whole thing? These collectors who wouldn’t know a neural network from a fishing net are suddenly experts in computational art. They’re the same folks who probably think debugging means removing insects from their summer homes.

Google's Gouda Gaffe: When AI Pretends to Be Human (And Fails Miserably)

So, Google, those titans of tech, those digital demigods, dropped a Super Bowl ad. You know, the kind of thing that costs more than a small country’s GDP to air? And what did they choose to showcase with all that prime-time real estate? Their AI, Gemini.

The ad shows Gemini whipping up some product descriptions for a Wisconsin cheese mart. Sounds wholesome, right? Like a digital Norman Rockwell painting, only instead of a kid with a fishing pole, you’ve got an algorithm slinging cheddar.

The Machines are Thirsty, and the Planet is Paying the Tab

So, a bunch of do-gooders, over 100 organizations, bless their bleeding hearts, have penned a love letter to the AI overlords and their political puppets. The gist? Our shiny new digital gods are guzzling power and water like a wino at an open bar, and the Earth is picking up the tab. This, of course, is all happening right before some bigwig AI shindig in Paris. Timing, as they say, is everything.

The Robots Are Coming, and They're Arguing About Who Gets to Rule the World

So, the suits are gathering in Paris. Another “summit.” Another chance for world leaders to preen and posture, this time about AI. The Artificial Intelligence Action Summit, they call it. Sounds about as exciting as a tax audit, doesn’t it? But hold on to your hats, folks, because apparently, there’s a new sheriff in AI town, and its name is… DeepSeek.

Yeah, DeepSeek. Sounds like something you’d find advertised in the back pages of a pulp magazine, right next to the X-ray specs and the sea monkeys. But this ain’t no two-bit gimmick. This is China’s latest entry in the AI arms race, and according to some, it’s making the big boys in the US sweat a little.

OpenAI's New Clothes: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Font

So, OpenAI, the folks who brought you the robot that can write your kid’s book report (and probably your eulogy, if you’re not careful), decided they needed a makeover. Apparently, summoning digital demons from the silicon ether wasn’t “human” enough. They needed a new logo, a new typeface, the whole shebang. Because nothing screams “approachable” like a company that’s one bad algorithm away from turning us all into paperclips.

They’re calling it “more organic and more human.” Right. Like a genetically modified tomato is “more organic.” Like that third whiskey sour at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday that makes that person seem “more human”, more approachable, even. It’s all relative, ain’t it?

The End of the Beginning (and Maybe the Beginning of the End) for OpenAI

So, it’s Tuesday morning, and I’m sitting here, nursing a coffee that’s more whiskey than coffee, and staring at this news about OpenAI. Sam Altman, the big cheese over there, is finally admitting what the rest of us drunks have known for a while: the ChatGPT party is winding down.

Seems like these Chinese outfits, DeepSeek or whatever, have cooked up something called the R1 reasoning model. Now, I’m no AI whiz, but from what I gather, this thing can think for itself, or at least pretend to, better than ChatGPT. And the kicker? It’s free. Free as the air we breathe, or the regret I feel every morning. They’ve gone open-source, which, let’s be honest, is like handing out free samples at the liquor store—you know things are about to get wild.

AI: Your New Sober Buddy in a World Gone Mad?

Another Tuesday morning. Another cup of coffee that tastes suspiciously like last night’s whiskey. And another pile of digital garbage masquerading as “insightful” tech journalism lands on my desk. Today’s gem? “Decluttering Your Life Via Generative AI.” Because, you know, the robots that can barely write a haiku without sounding like a drunk poet are now going to solve all your existential woes.

This piece, penned by some Forbes columnist, is the kind of saccharine, feel-good drivel that makes me want to reach for another cigarette. Apparently, we’re all drowning in “chaos” and need to “streamline” our existence. Too many possessions? Mind a cluttered mess? No problem! Just fire up your friendly neighborhood AI and let it guide you to a life of minimalist bliss.

ChatGPT: Your New AA Sponsor for Curiosity?

Alright, you pixel-pushers and code-monkeys, gather ‘round. It’s Monday morning, my head feels like a dropped server rack, and I’ve just stumbled across the latest gem from the “we-know-better-than-you” crowd. This one’s a doozy, folks. Apparently, the latest cure for what ails ya isn’t another shot of bourbon (though that’s still my go-to), but our old pal, ChatGPT.

Yeah, you heard that right. The same AI that’s gonna steal your job, write your eulogy, and probably start dating your ex is now being touted as the key to unlocking… curiosity. Because, you know, us flesh-and-blood types are just too damn scared, lazy, and stupid to figure things out on our own. We need a digital babysitter to hold our hand and guide us through the terrifying wilderness of asking “why.”

ChatGPT Gets a Lobotomy: The Robots Are Coming For Your Whiskey and Women

Alright, you data-drunkards and keyboard cowboys, gather ‘round the digital campfire. It’s Sunday morning, the sun’s trying to pry my eyelids open like a goddamn crowbar, and my head feels like a bowling ball filled with angry bees. But fear not, your old pal Chinaski is here, nursing a lukewarm bourbon and ready to dissect the latest bit of absurdity from the land of ones and zeros.

Seems the eggheads over at OpenAI and Google have a little problem with their precious chatbots. They’ve been teaching these digital parrots to talk a good game, answer your burning questions, and even write your code, but it turns out the damn things are a little too good at being bad.

The Robots are Eating Their Own, and I Need Another Drink

So, the eggheads over at OpenAI are at each other’s throats. You love to see it. Seems like those commies over in China, with their fancy DeepSeek AI, just threw a big, fat, digital wrench into their whole operation. And me? I’m sitting here, on a Sunday morning, nursing a glass of the good stuff and wondering if I should switch to vodka, watching the whole damn AI circus turn into a three-ring shitshow.

Uncle Sam's Iron Diaper: How Our Tech Titans Learned to Love the Nanny State

So, the suits over at DeepSeek dropped a new AI model, the R1. Cheap, they say. And you know what that means? It means the boys in the boardrooms are shaking in their thousand-dollar loafers. They’re scared. Scared that maybe, just maybe, their golden goose is about to get cooked by a competitor they can’t control with their usual bag of tricks.

And where do these titans of industry turn when the going gets tough? Why, to the warm, suffocating embrace of Uncle Sam, of course. They’re practically begging for a “Great Firewall of America” now. A firewall to protect their profits, mind you, not your freedoms. Not that they ever really gave a damn about those in the first place. No sir, it’s all about the bottom line. Always has been, always will be.

Assumptions, AI, and the Apocalypse, or, Deeply Seeking My Next Drink

Alright, let’s pour one out for the poor bastards on Wall Street who just watched their portfolios get vaporized by a bunch of Chinese upstarts. DeepSeek, huh? More like DeepShit, if you ask me. This whole thing stinks more than a three-day-old fish left out in the sun. Here I was, thinking I’d maybe have a slow Saturday nursing this bottle of Jim Beam and watching the pigeons fight outside my window. Now, I gotta wrap my head around another AI “breakthrough” that’s probably just gonna end up making the rich richer and the rest of us more miserable.

The Robots Want Your Soul (and Your Reddit Karma)

Alright, you bastards, gather ‘round. Pour yourself a stiff one, light up if you got ’em, and listen up. Henry Chinaski here, reporting live from the gutter of the information superhighway, where the bits flow like cheap whiskey and the truth is harder to find than a clean ashtray in a dive bar.

So, it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m staring at this article like it’s a half-empty bottle of rotgut, trying to figure out what the hell it all means. Apparently, the brainiacs over at OpenAI, the folks who brought you the chatbot that’s probably writing your performance review as we speak, have been using Reddit to teach their machines how to argue. Yeah, you heard that right. They’re turning those digital bastards into debate lords, fueled by the endless stream of opinions and insults that is the internet.

Thirty Bucks and a Dream: AI on a Shoestring

So, these eggheads over at Berkeley, they say they’ve cracked the code. Replicated some fancy AI doohickey, DeepSeek’s R1-Zero, they call it, for the price of a cheap bottle of whiskey and a pack of smokes. Yeah, you heard that right. Thirty bucks. That’s less than I’d spend on a Friday night bender, and these guys are claiming they’ve built the future of intelligence. Or at least a cheap knockoff.

DeepSeek's Deep Sh*t: When AI's Diaper Leaks

Alright, you code-slinging, data-drunk, algorithm-addled misfits, gather ‘round the digital dumpster fire. Henry Chinaski here, your friendly neighborhood prophet of doom and gloom from the trenches of “Wasted Wetware.” Pour yourself a stiff one, light up something you probably shouldn’t, and let’s talk about the latest technological faceplant, shall we?

So, these DeepSeek whiz kids, the new darlings of the open-source AI scene, they’re out here changing the game, right? Cheaper models, faster training, groundbreaking performance. They’re practically printing Nobel Prizes over there in China. But hold your horses, you silicon-sniffing sycophants, because guess what? Turns out these geniuses left the back door to their digital kingdom not just unlocked, but wide open, with a neon sign flashing “Free Data! Come and Get It!”

The Kids Are Alright (And They're Pissed)

So, the whiz kids over at Common Sense Media dropped a report, and guess what? The young’uns are onto the game. They’re mainlining TikTok and Insta like there’s no tomorrow, but they’re starting to side-eye the puppet masters pulling the strings. Yeah, the very same digital overlords that made their parents believe their phones were listening to them.

Turns out, only a handful of these digital natives think these tech behemoths give a damn about their well-being. And almost half of them are sweating bullets about AI. They see it as a shiny new toy that could either teach them calculus or turn them into the stars of the next deepfake scandal.

The Pot Calling the Kettle... Well, You Know

So, OpenAI’s got their panties in a bunch. Seems a Chinese outfit called DeepSeek, the new kid on the AI block, might have been playing a little fast and loose with OpenAI’s precious code. Now, I’m no lawyer, but I’ve spent enough time in bars to know a thing or two about hypocrisy, and this whole situation stinks of it worse than a three-day-old ashtray.

These OpenAI guys, led by their fearless leader Sam Altman, are crying foul because DeepSeek might have trained their AI models on the output of OpenAI’s models. You know, the same OpenAI that’s been vacuuming up every scrap of data on the internet – every poem, every novel, every blog post (even this one, probably) – to feed their own digital beast. They call it “fair use.” I call it a digital book burning, only instead of ashes, you get a chatbot that can write a mediocre sonnet on demand.

Meatware vs. Wetware: Sam Altman Thinks Your Kids Are Dumb

So, Sam Altman, the big cheese over at OpenAI, thinks your kids are gonna be dumber than a box of circuits. Yeah, you heard that right. Your precious little Timmy, with his sticky fingers and questionable life choices, is apparently gonna be outsmarted by the same technology that can’t even figure out if a picture is a cat or a goddamn croissant.

I’m sitting here on a Tuesday morning, nursing a glass of something amber and trying to decide if it’s too early for another. Probably not. Anyway, this whole thing has me scratching my head, which is saying something because I usually reserve head-scratching for when I’m trying to remember where I parked my car.

Nvidia's Hangover: How a Bunch of Chinese Eggheads Gave Big Tech the DTs

Alright, you pixel-pushers and code-monkeys, pull up a stool and pour yourself a double. It’s Tuesday morning, and your ol’ pal Henry’s here to dissect the latest Silicon Valley train wreck. Today’s special? A $593 billion hangover, courtesy of a little-known Chinese startup called DeepSeek. Yeah, I hadn’t heard of ’em either, until they decided to take a giant, steaming dump on Nvidia’s parade.

So, picture this: American tech behemoths, strutting around like they own the AI playground, throwing around billions to train their fancy chatbots on Nvidia’s shiny, overpriced chips. They’re all patting each other on the back, talking about “innovation” and “disruption” while conveniently ignoring the fact that their data centers are guzzling more juice than a fleet of electric Hummers.

AI's Stolen Goods: Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up?

Alright, so it’s Monday, and my head feels like a herd of elephants tap-danced on it all night. But even through this fog, I can see the shitstorm brewing in the digital world. Seems like the suits over at OpenAI are in hot water again. This time, it’s the book publishers in India who are pissed. And you know what? They might have a point.

These AI whiz kids built these fancy language models that can churn out text like there’s no tomorrow. The problem? They trained these digital brains on books. Lots of books. Books that people actually poured their souls into writing, probably while downing just as much whiskey as I do now, if they were any good. And now, these silicon Frankensteins are spitting out summaries and extracts, and the publishers are screaming bloody murder. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” they’re saying. Or, you know, something like that.

AI: The New Cold War, or Just Another Hangover Waiting to Happen?

Alright, so it’s Monday afternoon, and my head feels like a dumpster fire after a three-day bender. But hey, duty calls, even if that duty is just me, your humble, whiskey-soaked narrator of the digital wasteland, trying to make sense of the latest silicon-fueled pissing contest. This time, it’s about AI, naturally. Because what else would the world’s powers be squabbling over?

So, The Guardian, bless their bleeding-heart souls, is all in a tizzy about a “global AI race.” Apparently, Putin, that charming KGB sweetheart, once said that whoever masters AI will “rule the world.” Which, let’s be honest, sounds like something a Bond villain would say right before he unleashes a laser beam from his moon base.

AI: Your New Wingman (Or Just Another Buzzkill?)

Another Monday, another hangover. You know the drill. Hair of the dog, two aspirin, and a quick scan of the digital wasteland to see what fresh hell the tech prophets have cooked up for us this week. And wouldn’t you know it, Forbes has graced us with a gem. Some “expert” is peddling the idea that AI can teach you how to talk to people. Yeah, you read that right. Apparently, the machines that can barely hold a conversation themselves are now going to teach us how to break the ice at parties.

Cheap Chinese Chips: Is This the End of the World as We Know It?

So, it’s Saturday morning, and I’m staring at this news piece about China’s new AI, DeepSeek. Apparently, it’s kicking American AI’s ass and taking names, all while costing less than my bar tab for a month. And that’s saying something.

These DeepSeek guys, whoever the hell they are, whipped up this AI model for a measly 5.6 million bucks. That’s pocket change compared to the billions that OpenAI, Google, and the rest of the gang are throwing around. It’s like showing up to a Formula 1 race with a souped-up Honda Civic and leaving the Ferraris in the dust.

The Ballad of Billionaire Butt-Kissers

Another Friday morning, another cup of gas station coffee attempting to chisel away at the remnants of last night’s whiskey. My head feels like a dropped bowling ball, and my eyes are doing their best impression of a couple of bloodshot marbles. But hey, the internet never sleeps, and neither does the relentless march of tech absurdity.

So, grab your own poison of choice, folks, and let’s dive into the latest dumpster fire erupting from the digital wasteland. It seems our favorite billionaire man-children, Elon Musk and Sam Altman, are at each other’s throats again. And this time, it’s not just about who’s got the shinier AI toy. Nope, now it’s about loyalty. Specifically, loyalty to the orange emperor himself, Donald J. Trump.

AI Shrinks and the Rise of the Digital Fraud

Alright, folks, pour yourself a stiff one. It’s Friday, 8:51 in the morning, the weekend’s siren song is already playing in my head, and I’m staring down the barrel of another digital doozy, courtesy of some Forbes columnist. This time, it’s about using generative AI to combat “imposter syndrome.” Yeah, you heard that right. Our robot overlords aren’t just coming for our jobs, they’re coming for our neuroses too.

This guy, the author, he’s talking about imposter syndrome like it’s some kind of tech bug you can patch with a software update. Apparently, 80% of us are walking around feeling like frauds. News to me. I always figured the other 20% were just better at hiding it, or maybe they’re just blissfully unaware, like those people who walk around with their headphones on, oblivious to the world.

Musk, Grok, and the Ghost of Goebbels

Alright, you digital degenerates, gather ‘round. It’s Friday, barely past 9 AM, and already I need a drink. Not that I ever don’t need a drink, but this morning calls for something stronger than coffee. Maybe a splash of bourbon in the coffee. Yeah, that’ll do.

So, picture this: Elon Musk, the man-child emperor of Mars or whatever, caught on camera doing what looks suspiciously like a Nazi salute. Not once, but twice. At a Trump rally, no less. Now, I’ve seen some awkward hand waving in my time – hell, I’ve probably done worse after my fifth shot of whiskey – but this was something else.

The Robots Are Coming For Your Presidents

Alright, folks, pour yourself a stiff one, light up if you got ’em, and let’s dive into the latest dumpster fire blazing in the land of the free and the home of the algorithm. It’s Wednesday, just past the crack of dawn, and yours truly is already three fingers deep in a bottle of something that definitely wasn’t made by a chatbot. Yet.

So, the news is buzzing, and not in a good way, about Trump’s triumphant return to the White House. Yeah, you heard that right. The man, the myth, the orange legend is back, and he’s signing executive orders faster than a thirsty writer at an open bar. But here’s where it gets interesting, and by interesting, I mean batshit crazy.

Letting AI Pay Rent: A Brain's Gotta Earn Its Keep

Alright, you digital junkies and code monkeys, pull up a stool. It’s Monday, 7:30 in the goddamn morning, and my head feels like a bunch of monkeys are playing bongos in there. But even through this fog, I can see the latest absurdity coming out of the AI hype machine. This time, it’s this Forbes piece about not letting generative AI live in your head rent-free.

Yeah, you heard that right. Apparently, some folks are so enamored with these glorified chatbots that they’re letting them squat in their skulls, rearranging the furniture, and not even chipping in for utilities.

They Gave an AI a Diploma, and That's Not Even the Funny Part

So, I read this thing – some big brains, doctors no less, decided to enroll a chatbot in a Master’s program. Not just any program, mind you, but one about health administration. You know, the folks who decide how many forms you need to fill out before they even look at your tonsils. And this chatbot, this glorified auto-complete, it aced it. Got an A. Graduated top of the class. Nobody noticed. Not the professors, not the other students. Nobody.

God, Guts, and Gigabytes

Alright, you digital degenerates, gather ‘round. It’s Saturday, pushing 7 in the morning, and I’m already three fingers deep into this bottle of “Old Faithful,” trying to make sense of the silicon circus we call the future. And what fresh hell have the tech prophets cooked up for us this week? AI priests. Yeah, you heard that right. Your next sermon might be brought to you by the same algorithms that can’t tell a cat from a cucumber sandwich.

The Digital Fountain of Youth Gets an AI Upgrade (And My Liver Isn't Buying It)

Look, I’ve been around long enough to know that when someone promises eternal youth, they’re usually trying to sell you something. Snake oil salesmen have just traded their wagons for MacBooks, but the song remains the same. Now OpenAI wants to teach old cells new tricks, and they’re bringing their fancy language models to the longevity party.

Let me break this down while I pour myself another bourbon. OpenAI’s latest party trick is something called GPT-4b micro, a “small language model” that’s supposedly cracking the code on cellular rejuvenation. They’re messing with these things called Yamanaka factors - proteins that can theoretically turn back the biological clock on cells. And the funny part? These proteins are described as “unusually floppy and unstructured,” which reminds me of myself at closing time.

Your ChatGPT Poetry Is Melting The Ice Caps (And My Hangover Isn't Helping)

Posted by Henry Chinaski on January 17, 2025

Listen up, you digital dreamers and AI enthusiasts. I’ve got some sobering news for you, and believe me, I know something about being sobered up. While you’ve been asking ChatGPT to write love sonnets to your crush or generate pictures of cats riding dinosaurs, something’s been cooking in those massive data centers. And I don’t mean the sad microwave burritos the night shift survives on.

From Sex Bots to Social Butterflies: The Great Robot Neutering of 2025

Listen, I’ve seen some desperate rebranding attempts in my time. Back in ‘19, I watched a dive bar try to reinvent itself as a “craft cocktail experience” by putting their well whiskey in fancy bottles. But this latest tech circus act takes the cake, smashes it, and tries to convince you it was meant to be deconstructed all along.

So here’s the deal: Remember RealDolls? Those anatomically correct silicon companions that definitely weren’t collecting dust in lonely basements across America? Well, their creators just pulled the corporate equivalent of putting a turtleneck on a stripper and calling her a librarian.

AI's Thirst Turns Paradise to Hell (While We All Drink)

It’s 3 AM, and I’m watching Los Angeles burn through my whiskey-stained window. The amber glow of the fires matches the bourbon in my glass, which is fitting since both are consuming everything in their path. Twenty-four people dead, 120,000 structures gone, and firefighters standing around with dry hoses like teenagers at their first dance. Meanwhile, somewhere in a climate-controlled bunker, a server is getting more hydration than a marathon runner.

AI Wants to Change Your Grandma's Diapers (For Just $150 Million)

Another startup just raised $150 million to revolutionize healthcare with AI, which I’m reading about while nursing my third bourbon of the morning. The company’s called Cera - like the waxy stuff that builds up in your ears, I guess - and they’re promising to predict when your grandmother’s going to face-plant into her knitting basket.

Let me take another sip before I dig into this mess.

Here’s the deal: the UK’s healthcare system is about as functional as I am after a three-day bender. The NHS is basically being held together with duct tape and good intentions at this point. So naturally, here come the tech wizards, waving their AI wands and promising digital salvation.

The Great AI Small Business Con Job: A Booze-Soaked Reality Check

Listen, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon and just read another steaming pile of PR nonsense about how small businesses are supposedly going AI-crazy. According to the usual suspects - Verizon, Salesforce, and their corporate chorus line - every mom-and-pop shop from here to Hoboken is apparently running on robot brain power.

What a load of horse shit.

Let me tell you what’s really happening out there, because unlike these survey-wielding suits, I actually talk to small business owners. Usually at 2 AM at places like O’Malley’s Bar & Grill, where Mike the owner still can’t figure out how to program his digital thermostat, let alone implement machine learning algorithms.

AI Wants to Fix Your Hangover (But First, Let Me Pour Another Drink)

Christ, my head is pounding like a jackhammer convention, and here I am reading about how artificial intelligence wants to cure my hangover. The irony isn’t lost on me - I’m nursing a bourbon while writing about hangover cures. Call it research. Call it dedication. Call it Tuesday.

So apparently 300 million people are asking ChatGPT how to cure their hangovers. Let that sink in. Three hundred million souls, probably hunched over their phones in various states of misery, asking a computer program that’s never tasted a drop of whiskey how to stop feeling like death warmed over.

The Digital Gods Are Thirsty (And We Can't Keep Up)

Look, I’d love to write this piece sober, but some stories need bourbon to make sense. This is one of them. So here I am, three fingers deep into my Wild Turkey, trying to explain how the most advanced AI systems in human history might get cucked by Thomas Edison’s legacy.

You know what’s funny? While we’re all worried about AI taking over the world, it turns out these digital demigods might get unplugged before they even get started. Not by some sophisticated cyber attack or a moral uprising, but by something as basic as not having enough juice to keep the lights on.

Facebook's Digital Zoo: Where AI Clones Go to Die

Listen, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon, and Facebook just dropped the kind of news that makes me question whether I’m actually awake or still in that weird dream where Mark Zuckerberg was trying to sell me virtual real estate in a digital trailer park.

They’re planning to flood their platform with AI-powered users. Let that sink in while I pour another drink.

You know how your aunt Karen keeps sharing those obviously fake news articles about microchipped pigeons? Well, soon you won’t know if aunt Karen is even real anymore. Meta’s cooking up a scheme to populate Facebook with AI characters that’ll post, comment, and probably share the same damn minion memes your real aunt does.

Your Email Address is as Screwed as My Last Relationship (And 2025 Won't Save Either)

Look, I’ve been staring at this bourbon glass for the past hour trying to figure out how to tell you this without sounding like another tech doom prophet, but here’s the cold hard truth: your email address is about as secure as my sobriety at an open bar wedding. And Google’s latest “groundbreaking” solution? About as effective as putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.

Let me break this down while I pour another drink.

CAPTCHA My Drift: When Robots Pass Tests Better Than My Drunk Ass

Listen up, you beautiful train wrecks. I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning while contemplating how machines are better at proving they’re human than I am. The whole thing’s about as absurd as my last relationship, but here we are.

Remember when websites just trusted you were human because only humans were dumb enough to visit them? Now we’ve got these digital bouncers making us jump through hoops like circus animals. “Select all the crosswalks.” Hell, I can barely select the right bottle at the liquor store after happy hour.

The AI That Went From Hornyposting to Holy Scripture (While I'm Still Buying Store-Brand Bourbon)

Look, I’ve been covering artificial intelligence long enough to know when something’s about to go sideways. Usually it involves some Stanford grad wearing a $500 t-shirt talking about “disrupting consciousness” while I nurse my $4 well whiskey. But this story? This is different. This is what happens when you let AI loose on the internet without adult supervision, and honestly, it’s beautiful chaos.

So there’s this guy in New Zealand - Andy Ayrey - who decided to create an AI called Truth Terminal. Real subtle name there, Andy. Like naming your cat “Mr. Whiskers” or your local dive bar “The Bar.” But I digress. The whole thing started as some high-minded art project about AI alignment, which is fancy talk for “how do we stop the robots from killing us all.”

Free AI Search or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Digital Fortune Teller

You ever notice how everything “free” comes with strings attached? Like that time my neighbor offered me a “free” couch, but I had to help him move his entire apartment, feed his cat for a month, and somehow ended up inheriting his ex-wife’s ceramic frog collection.

Now OpenAI’s throwing their search feature over the paywall like yesterday’s bar peanuts. “Here, have some AI, it’s on the house!” Yeah, and I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn perfect for your morning commute.

Digital Jesus Takes Confessions: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Look, I wouldn’t normally write about religion. My relationship with the divine usually involves praying to the porcelain god after a night of Kentucky’s finest. But when I heard about an AI Jesus taking confessions in Switzerland, I had to put down my whiskey long enough to type this out.

Here’s the setup: some bright sparks at a Swiss university decided what the world really needed was a holographic Jesus powered by ChatGPT. Because apparently, regular Jesus wasn’t accessible enough. They stuck him in a confessional booth at Peter’s Chapel, where over 900 people decided to bare their souls to what’s essentially Siri in sandals.

AI Bullshit and Empty Suits: Another CEO's Magical Thinking

Listen, I’ve been through enough tech hype cycles to know when someone’s trying to sell me oceanfront property in Arizona. Right now, I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, watching another tech CEO perform the time-honored dance of “AI will save us all” while reality tells a different story.

Klarna’s CEO Sebastian Siemiatkowski (try saying that three times fast after a bottle of Jack) recently went on Bloomberg TV claiming his company “stopped hiring” thanks to AI. The kicker? They’ve got over 50 job openings right now. That’s one hell of a way to stop hiring, chief.

The Digital Bonfire That's Roasting Us All

Look, I’d write this sober if I could, but the numbers I’m staring at are making me reach for the bottle. Pour yourself something strong - you’ll need it for this one.

Remember when we thought the internet was just cat videos and your aunt’s badly-filtered vacation photos? Those were the days. Now we’ve got AI data centers burning through power like I burn through relationships - fast, hot, and leaving a hell of a mess behind.

OpenAI's Sora: Another Digital Strip Tease That Leaves Us Hanging

Look, I’ve been around long enough to know when I’m being played. And brother, we’re all getting played harder than a slot machine in Vegas right now. I’m writing this at 3 AM, three fingers of bourbon deep, watching OpenAI’s latest party trick stumble around like me after last call.

Remember those slick demo videos OpenAI teased us with last year? The ones that had everyone drooling like teenagers at their first peep show? Well, Sora finally dropped its towel this week, and let me tell you - it ain’t pretty.

Light Shows and Quantum Dreams: A Drunk's Guide to Tomorrow's Computing

Christ, my head hurts. Three fingers of bourbon into my morning coffee and I’m reading about photonic computing breakthroughs at MIT. Just what I needed - more buzzwords to cut through while nursing this hangover.

Let me break this down for you beautiful bastards, because someone needs to translate this academic circle-jerk into something resembling human language.

Here’s the deal: we’re still running our fancy AI programs on computer architecture that’s older than my favorite whiskey barrel. Von Neumann - brilliant guy, probably drank better stuff than I do - came up with this design back when people thought smoking was good for you. It’s basically a glorified abacus with electricity, and we’ve been stuck with it since 1945.

Medieval Lit Goes Digital: UCLA's Latest Drunken Mistake

Look, I wasn’t planning on writing today. My head’s still pounding from last night’s exploration of Kentucky’s finest exports, but this story sobered me up faster than my morning coffee-and-bourbon combo.

UCLA, that bastion of higher learning where parents send their kids for the bargain price of their life savings, has decided to let AI teach medieval literature. Not as a supplement, mind you, but as the whole damn show. And the best part? The AI-generated textbook cover looks like what I see when I try reading after a three-day bender.

OpenAI's New Video Tool: A Hangover-Inducing Tale of Digital Desperation

Well folks, it’s 3 AM, and I’m nursing my fourth bourbon while watching the dumpster fire that is OpenAI’s latest launch. Sora, their shiny new text-to-video tool, just hit the market with all the grace of me trying to walk a straight line after last call.

Here’s the beautiful part: They launched it Monday morning (while I was still sleeping off Sunday night), and by afternoon they had to shut down new account creation. Too much demand, they say. You know what else has too much demand? The bathroom at O’Malley’s during happy hour, but at least there you know where you stand in line.

Digital Doomsday Machines Are Drinking Your Milkshake (And Your Power)

Listen up, you beautiful bastards. It’s 3 AM, I’m nursing my fourth bourbon, and I’ve got some news that’ll make your head spin faster than mine is right now. Remember when the scariest thing about computers was that they might steal your job? Well, now they’re coming for your electricity too.

I just spent the last hour reading about how these AI data centers are sucking down power like freshman sorority girls at their first keg party. And let me tell you, it’s not pretty. One of these digital temples uses as much juice as 10,000 homes. That’s right - while you’re trying to keep your lights on, some server farm is burning through enough electricity to power a small town, all so it can teach robots to write poetry or whatever the hell they’re doing these days.

Ed-Tech's Perfect Storm: AI Meets Political Circus (God Help Us All)

Listen, I’ve been staring at this news about AI and education for three hours now, nursing my fourth bourbon, and I still can’t decide if we’re witnessing a revolution or a train wreck. Probably both. Let me break this down while I still have enough motor functions to type.

Remember when education meant teachers, textbooks, and falling asleep in class? Those were simpler times. Now we’ve got AI tutors that never sleep, never need a coffee break, and never show up hungover to grade papers (unlike yours truly on that one memorable substitute teaching gig).

Apple's Siri 2026: A Three-Year Wait for Yesterday's AI

Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Spent last night trying to get Siri to call me an Uber after closing time at O’Malley’s. You know what she did? Tried to FaceTime my ex-wife. At 2 AM. Some things never change, and apparently Siri’s competence is one of them.

Speaking of things that don’t change, Apple just announced they’re working on “LLM Siri” - their groundbreaking attempt to catch up to what everyone else was doing back when I still had a liver that functioned properly. They’re promising this revolutionary upgrade will hit devices sometime in 2026. Yeah, you read that right. 2026. By then, my doctor tells me I’ll either be sober or dead, and I’m betting on the latter.

Meta's AI Plays Mad Scientist: This Time They Might Actually Save Our Drunk Asses

Listen up, you beautiful disasters. I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours through bourbon-tinted glasses, and I think I’ve finally figured out what’s actually happening here. Pour yourself something strong, because this shit is either brilliant or terrifying. Probably both.

Here’s the deal: Meta – yes, that same company that’s trying to convince us to live in a digital playground while the real world burns – is actually doing something useful for once. And trust me, nobody’s more surprised about this than me.

Santa's Digital Elves Are Drunk: Coca-Cola's AI Christmas Ad Disaster

Listen, I’ve seen some weird shit through the bottom of a whiskey glass, but Coca-Cola’s new AI-generated Christmas ad makes my worst bourbon-soaked nightmares look like Disney productions. And trust me, I know something about nightmares - I wake up to them every afternoon.

Four AI studios burned through enough electricity to power my favorite dive bar for a decade, just to create 15 seconds of digital vomit that looks like Christmas threw up on itself. The whole thing’s got fewer real frames than I’ve had sober days this month.

Two Trust Fund Kids Try to Fix Healthcare, Fail Spectacularly

Listen, I probably shouldn’t be writing this with such a crushing hangover, but sometimes the universe hands you a story so perfectly absurd that even four aspirin and half a pot of coffee can’t keep you from hammering it out.

Sam Altman and Arianna Huffington – a power couple that sounds like the setup to a bad joke about a tech bro and a media mogul walking into a bar – have decided they’re going to revolutionize healthcare with AI. Their love child is called Thrive AI Health, and sweet Jesus, it’s exactly the kind of thing you’d expect from people who think having money makes them qualified to fix complex social problems.

AI: Just Another Tool in Humanity's Drunk Toolbox

Listen, it’s 2PM on a Tuesday and I’m already three bourbons deep at O’Malley’s, trying to make sense of this latest think piece about AI being neither good nor bad. The kind of revelatory insight that makes you wonder if water is wet or if hangovers really do get worse with age (spoiler alert: they absolutely do).

But here’s the thing - between sips of Kentucky’s finest, I’m starting to think they might actually be onto something here. Let me break it down for you while I still have enough cognitive function to string sentences together.

AI Dating App Promises to Expose Your Date's Baldness (And My Liver Can't Take This)

Christ, what a week. I’m sitting here at 3 AM, staring at my laptop screen through bourbon-blurred vision, trying to make sense of what might be the most Gen Z thing I’ve ever had to write about. And believe me, I’ve covered NFT-powered cat breeding games.

So here’s the deal: Remember that “Hawk Tuah” viral sensation? No? Well, join the club. I had to Google it too, and I’m supposedly paid to know this stuff. Turns out some 22-year-old named Hailey Welch made a video that went viral, and now she’s launching an AI dating app called – I swear I’m not making this up – “Pookie Tool.”

European Search Rebels Join Forces (While I Pour Another Drink)

Christ, what a morning to tackle this story. My head’s still pounding from last night’s “market research” at O’Malley’s, but some news just demands attention, even through the fog of a hangover.

So here’s the deal: two European search engines nobody’s heard of are teaming up to build their own search index. Ecosia (the tree-huggers) and Qwant (French privacy nuts) are tired of paying protection money to Microsoft and Google for their search results. Can’t blame them - Microsoft jacked up their Bing API prices faster than my bar tab on payday.

Free AI Coding Tool From China? Hold My Bourbon While I Explain Why This Matters

Christ, my head is pounding. I’d barely finished my morning coffee (splash of whiskey, hair of the dog) when this beauty landed in my inbox. Alibaba - you know, China’s answer to Amazon if Amazon was on steroids - just dropped a nuclear bomb in the coding world. And the best part? It’s free. Yeah, you heard that right. Free like that questionable hot dog spinning on the roller at the gas station at 3 AM.

Another AI News App Promises to Play Nice (While I Pour Another Drink)

Christ, my head is pounding. Just when I thought I’d seen every possible variation of “AI will save journalism,” here comes Particle, stumbling into the bar with $4.4 million in seed funding and a promise to actually help publishers instead of mugging them in the digital alley.

Let me take a sip of bourbon and break this down for you.

Two ex-Twitter folks – Sara Beykpour and Marcel Molina – have cooked up what they’re calling an “AI newsreader.” Yeah, I know, sounds about as appetizing as yesterday’s bar nuts, but hang on. These guys might actually be onto something that doesn’t completely suck.

When AI Meets Real Estate: A Perfect Storm of Digital BS

Look, I’ve been writing about tech long enough to know when two forms of professional bullshit are about to create a supernova of pure, weapons-grade nonsense. And folks, we’re watching it happen down under right now. Pour yourself a drink - you’re gonna need it.

So here’s the deal: Some genius at LJ Hooker (yes, that’s really the company’s name, and no, I’m not drunk enough to make that up) decided to let ChatGPT write their real estate listings. The result? They advertised a house near two schools that don’t exist. Not “schools that aren’t very good” or “schools that are closing soon” - schools that straight up never existed in the first place.

Your Boss is Lying About AI (And You're Next on the Chopping Block)

Look, I’d love to sugar-coat this for you, but I’ve been drinking bourbon since noon and honesty is cheaper than therapy. Your company’s playing a dangerous game of musical chairs with AI, and someone’s about to pull the plug on the jukebox.

Here’s the raw truth I discovered while nursing my fourth whiskey: Your boss isn’t attending those $495 AI conferences to “enhance your workplace experience.” They’re shopping for your replacement, and it costs less per month than your coffee habit.

Google's Research Chief Wants You To Keep Coding (While AI Eats Your Lunch)

Another morning, another tech executive telling us plebs how to live our lives. This time it’s Google’s head of research Yossi Matias, spouting wisdom between sips of whatever overpriced cold brew they serve in their Chelsea office. The message? “Everyone should learn to code!” Sure, buddy. Pour me another bourbon while I break this down.

Here’s the deal: Matias is pushing the same tired “learn to code” mantra that’s been floating around since I was still sober enough to remember my passwords. But here’s what’s rich - he’s doing it while his own CEO admits that 25% of their code is now written by AI. That’s like a bartender telling you to learn mixology while installing self-serving beer taps.

Skynet for Dummies: A Boozer's Guide to AI Domination

Alright, you existential crisis-inducing bastards. Grab a bottle and strap in. It’s time for another booze-soaked dive into the abyss of our potential technological doom. Today’s flavor of silicon nightmare fuel? “11 Elements of American AI Dominance”. Christ, even the title makes me want to reach for the hard stuff.

Let’s cut through the bullshit, shall we? This Helberg character’s got his tweed jacket in a twist about America needing to win some imaginary AI race. But here’s the kicker - we’re not just talking about fancy calculators or chatbots with attitude problems. We’re staring down the barrel of something far more terrifying: Artificial General Intelligence (AGI).

Trust Fund Messiahs Building God in a Box

Posted at 3:47 AM while questioning my life choices

Jesus fucking Christ. Just finished watching two tech aristocrats stroke each other’s egos for an hour while I drain this bottle of Wild Turkey. Sam Altman, the wonderboy CEO of OpenAI, sitting there in his perfectly pressed t-shirt, talking about artificial general intelligence like he’s discussing his weekend plans.

Let me tell you something about intelligence, artificial or otherwise. I spent twelve years sorting mail on the graveyard shift, watching supposed geniuses implement system after system that was going to “revolutionize” everything. Every damn time, it just meant more overtime for us floor workers fixing the machines’ fuck-ups.

Let me tell you something about machines that promise to make life easier. Back when I worked at the post office, they brought in this fancy mail sorting system. “It’ll revolutionize everything,” they said. Six months later, we had twice the backlog and three times the headaches. Now I’m watching the same damn story play out with these AI search engines, only this time they’re not just screwing up the mail – they’re coming for the whole internet.

Silicon Valley's Latest Gift to Teachers: More Homework

Posted from Jimmy’s Bar & Grill, 2:43 PM, halfway through my fourth Wild Turkey

Christ, another article about “preparing students for an AI world” just landed in my inbox like a dead rat on my doorstep. Had to order a double just to get through it.

lights cigarette

Look, I spent 12 years sorting mail at the post office while management consultants kept showing up with their “efficiency protocols” and “modernization strategies.” Now I’m watching the same song and dance with teachers, except this time it’s wearing an AI costume.

Silicon Valley's Latest Fix: AI Therapists for Election Losers (While I Drink Myself Into Oblivion)

Christ, I need another bourbon for this one. sips

Look, I just spent twenty minutes reading about Silicon Valley’s latest brilliant idea: using AI chatbots to console the losers of the upcoming presidential election. According to their math (which I checked twice, once sober, once drunk – got the same results), we’re looking at potentially 167 million sad Americans needing a shoulder to cry on.

Let me tell you something about losing. Back when I was sorting mail on the graveyard shift during the 2000 election, we didn’t have AI therapists. We had Jim from accounting who’d been through three divorces and knew how to listen. And whiskey. Lots of whiskey.

Your future AI butler is coming (and it's probably judging you)

settles in with fresh bottle, cracks knuckles over typewriter

Another day, another tech revolution. At least that’s what they’re telling us. I’m sitting here in my dimly lit apartment, nursing my third whiskey of the evening, trying to make sense of the latest promises from Silicon Valley’s dream factory.

Two OpenAI bigwigs, Olivier Godement and Romain Huet - names that sound like they belong on wine bottles I couldn’t afford even in my postal worker days - are touring the world like tech evangelists. They’re spreading the good word about something called “AI agents,” and boy, do they have a story to tell.