Jesus Christ, my head is pounding. Spent last night trying to get Siri to call me an Uber after closing time at O’Malley’s. You know what she did? Tried to FaceTime my ex-wife. At 2 AM. Some things never change, and apparently Siri’s competence is one of them.
Speaking of things that don’t change, Apple just announced they’re working on “LLM Siri” - their groundbreaking attempt to catch up to what everyone else was doing back when I still had a liver that functioned properly. They’re promising this revolutionary upgrade will hit devices sometime in 2026. Yeah, you read that right. 2026. By then, my doctor tells me I’ll either be sober or dead, and I’m betting on the latter.
The worst part? The “groundbreaking” features they’re promising are basically what Google Gemini and ChatGPT are already doing while blindfolded and juggling chainsaws. Apple’s big promise is that Siri will finally be able to handle “back-and-forth conversations.” Wow. Revolutionary. Next thing you know, they’ll invent the wheel.
Look, I’ve been covering this stuff long enough to know when someone’s trying to sell me premium bourbon that’s actually just brown-tinted water. And this announcement? It’s not even good enough to be bottom shelf.
Here’s what we’re supposedly getting in 2026:
Meanwhile, Google’s Gemini is already doing laps around Siri like a marathon runner passing a chain smoker. ChatGPT’s got an iOS integration that makes Siri look like a speak-and-spell toy. Hell, even my microwave has better conversational skills at this point.
The real kick in the teeth? Apple’s not even pretending to be embarrassed about this timeline. They’re announcing it like it’s something to be proud of. “Hey, we know everyone else has working AI assistants now, but wait until 2026 when we’ll have one too!” That’s like me promising to quit drinking… next decade.
You want to know what’s really happening here? Apple’s playing it safe, moving at the speed of a hungover sloth. While everyone else is pushing the boundaries of what AI can do, Apple’s still trying to figure out how to make Siri understand the difference between “Call me an Uber” and “Call my ex-wife.”
And the cherry on top of this shit sundae? By the time 2026 rolls around, and Apple finally delivers their “revolutionary” update, the rest of the AI world will have moved so far ahead that Siri will still be playing catch-up. It’s like showing up to a party three hours late, only to find out it ended two hours ago and someone else drank all the good bourbon.
The truth is, Apple’s got themselves caught in a classic catch-22. They can’t rush out half-baked AI features because that would tarnish their premium brand image. But they also can’t afford to wait too long because the competition is already eating their lunch, dinner, and midnight snack.
Look, I get it. AI is hard. Making things work properly takes time. But three years? In tech years, that’s like waiting for your bourbon to age for three centuries. By 2026, we’ll probably have AI assistants that can read our minds, cure hangovers, and maybe even explain why my first marriage failed.
The bottom line? While Apple’s busy polishing their AI promises for 2026, the rest of us will be living in the future, talking to our actually useful AI assistants, and wondering why anyone’s still waiting for Siri to catch up.
Time for another drink. At least bourbon delivers on its promises right away.
Yours truly from the bottom of a glass, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If you’re reading this, Siri, I still haven’t forgiven you for that 2 AM FaceTime incident.
Source: Apple’s plans for a Siri evolution keep getting pushed into the future | Digital Trends