Alright, you digital degenerates, gather ‘round. It’s Saturday, pushing 7 in the morning, and I’m already three fingers deep into this bottle of “Old Faithful,” trying to make sense of the silicon circus we call the future. And what fresh hell have the tech prophets cooked up for us this week? AI priests. Yeah, you heard that right. Your next sermon might be brought to you by the same algorithms that can’t tell a cat from a cucumber sandwich.
Seems some tech reporter stumbled onto a Facebook group - and no, I don’t know what possessed him to venture into that digital wasteland - called “AI for Church Leaders and Pastors.” Apparently, it’s where men of the cloth (or whatever synthetic fabric they’re using these days) swap tips on how to get ChatGPT to churn out their Sunday specials.
So, this guy, fueled by the same naive curiosity that probably led him to use AI to “fix” his dating life - a tale I’d pay good money to hear, by the way - decides to dive headfirst into this holy mess. He’s calling up preachers, visiting churches, even finding a Bible study group full of AI engineers. Probably thinks he’s Woodward and Bernstein uncovering the secrets of the Vatican.
Now, I’ve seen my share of strange. I once dated a woman who claimed she could talk to squirrels. But this? This is a whole new level of batshit bonkers. These preachers are worried about the “ethical problems” of letting a computer write their sermons. They’re asking, “Can God speak through AI?” Buddy, I’ve got news for you: if God’s using AI to talk to us, we’re all screwed. He’s probably as drunk as I am right now.
The reporter, bless his heart, seems to think he’s onto something profound. He’s all about “how people are using it” and the “ethical problems” of automating the “personal aspects of our lives.” He’s even found a “Rabbi Bot” that can write and deliver sermons in a rabbi’s voice. I swear, you can’t make this shit up. It’s like watching a monkey try to do open-heart surgery with a rusty spoon.
But here’s the thing: this whole AI-in-religion thing isn’t new. This Rabbi Hayon, the one who seems to have a few brain cells firing, points out that technology has always been messing with how we worship. From the printing press to the internet, we’ve been outsourcing our faith to machines for centuries. This is just the latest chapter in that long, sad saga.
And the real brain-bender is this: the reporter mentions the Book of John, where Jesus is all, “Everyone on the side of truth listens to me,” and some Roman dude asks, “What is truth?” Well, pal, if you’re looking for truth in a chatbot, you’re more lost than a one-legged cat in a sandbox.
The article goes on to say that the reporter hopes we’ll all think in a “more nuanced way” about using AI in religion. Nuanced? My friend, I haven’t had a nuanced thought since I tried to quit smoking last Tuesday. And failed miserably, by the way. This is a world where a robot can write a sermon, but I can’t get a decent cup of coffee before noon. Nuance went out the window with common sense and two-for-one happy hour deals.
Look, I’m not saying AI is the devil. But I am saying that if you need a computer to tell you what to believe, you’re doing it wrong. Faith, like a good hangover, is something you gotta earn. It’s about wrestling with your demons, not outsourcing them to a server farm in Utah. It’s about the messy, unpredictable, human stuff that makes life worth living, even when you’re nursing a headache that feels like a herd of elephants tap-dancing on your skull.
The funniest thing is, people are really going to use this stuff. They will sit in churches, listening to a machine drone on about love and forgiveness, and they’ll think it’s profound. They’ll nod their heads and say “Amen” to a bunch of code strung together by some over-caffeinated programmer in a cubicle farm. And they’ll never know the difference.
So, what’s the takeaway from all this? Well, it’s not that AI is good or bad. It’s that people are idiots. We’ll embrace anything that promises to make our lives easier, even if it means sacrificing our souls in the process. We’ll trade authenticity for convenience, and we’ll never even notice what we’ve lost.
And that, my friends, is the real tragedy. It’s not the machines that are taking over. It’s us. We’re giving up without a fight. We’re letting the robots win.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go pour myself another drink. And maybe pray to the whiskey gods that they’ll have mercy on my soul. Or at least send me a decent bartender. Cheers, or whatever the digital equivalent of that is these days.
Source: When the Word Is Not Just Flesh: Reporting on A.I. in Religion