Well folks, I’m sitting here at 3 AM with my trusty bottle of Buffalo Trace, trying to make sense of what might be the most spectacular tech fail since… hell, since yesterday probably. But this one’s special. This one deserves an extra pour.
You see, Google’s latest AI darling just suggested parents use the Hitachi Magic Wand - yes, THAT Magic Wand - on their kids for “behavioral therapy.” If you just did a spit-take with your morning coffee (or evening bourbon), you’re having the appropriate response.
Let me back up a bit here. Some poor bastard searched for “magic wand pregnancy” on Google, probably looking for actual pregnancy advice. Instead, Google’s AI decided to play matchmaker between a therapeutic technique involving imaginary magic wands and the world’s most famous “personal massager.” The result? A recommendation that would make even the most hardened tech support worker need a drink.
And boy, what a recommendation it was. The AI, in its infinite wisdom, suggested parents could purchase this “therapeutic tool” online or at their local store. Yeah, right next to the baby formula and diapers, I’m sure. “Excuse me, where do you keep your behavioral modification vibrators?” is not a question any parent should ever have to ask at Target.
takes long drag from cigarette
The best part? This whole mess started because some well-meaning folks at the New Hampshire Department of Health wrote about a visualization technique where parents imagine having a magical wand to solve their problems. You know, like Glinda the Good Witch, not like… well, you get the picture. But Google’s AI, bless its silicon heart, saw “magic wand” and “parenting” in the same document and decided to play the world’s worst game of word association.
And the cherry on top of this shit sundae? This isn’t even Google’s first AI rodeo gone wrong. These things have been telling people to eat rocks, put glue in their pizza sauce, and - I swear I’m not making this up - smear human feces on balloons. At this point, I’m starting to think these AI systems are just elaborate pranks coded by bored engineers who’ve had too much Red Bull.
But here’s the real kick in the teeth: Google’s pushing this half-baked tech out the door faster than my landlord raises the rent, all because they’re scared shitless of Microsoft and OpenAI. It’s like watching a bunch of tech bros play chicken with their autonomous vehicles, except the cars are drunk and the drivers are blindfolded.
You want to know the truly depressing part? This won’t change anything. Tomorrow, some PR team will issue a carefully worded statement about “improving their systems,” and next week we’ll be talking about how Google’s AI suggested treating sunburn with ghost peppers or something equally absurd.
Look, I get it. Progress marches on, and AI is here to stay. But maybe - just maybe - we could slow down long enough to make sure our robots aren’t suggesting parents buy sex toys for their kids? Is that really too much to ask?
pours another drink
The thing is, humans are messy, complicated creatures. We make mistakes, sure, but at least our mistakes usually make some kind of sense. When I screw up, it’s because I’ve had too much bourbon or not enough coffee. When AI screws up, it’s because it’s playing digital Mad Libs with the entire internet and somehow landing on “vibrator therapy for toddlers.”
So here’s to you, Google AI. You’ve managed to make me feel better about every questionable decision I’ve ever made in my life. At least I’ve never suggested anyone use a sex toy as a parenting tool.
And on that note, I need another drink.
Stay human, folks.
P.S. If anyone from Google is reading this, I’ve got a great bridge to sell you. Your AI will probably recommend it as a weight loss solution.
Source: Google’s AI Caught Recommending Use of Sex Toys on Children