Listen, I’ve been watching these robot demonstrations through the bottom of various whiskey glasses for months now, and I gotta tell you - something ain’t adding up. $675 million for Figure’s human-shaped chunk of metal? That’s a lot of bourbon money to throw at what’s essentially a fancy remote control toy.
Here I am, nursing my third Wild Turkey of the morning (don’t judge, it’s research), watching videos of these supposed mechanical messiahs. Elon Musk is out there promising these things will end poverty. Right. And this bottle of Buffalo Trace is actually filled with holy water.
The whole thing reminds me of this guy I knew at O’Malley’s who’d always claim he had a hot girlfriend in Canada. Sure, buddy. Just like these robots can autonomously pour drinks and wipe counters. Except they can’t - they’re being puppeteered by humans behind the scenes. They call it “teleoperation,” which is fancy talk for “we’re controlling it with joysticks while hoping nobody notices.”
takes long drag from cigarette
And the designs? Jesus Christ. Every single one looks like it walked straight out of a B-movie where robots kill us all. Why do they keep giving them these creepy glowing eyes and metal faces? It’s like they’re compensating for something. Probably the same reason guys buy sports cars they can’t afford.
Leila Takayama, this VP at Robust AI, says we’re at “peak hype.” No shit, sister. Every tech company with more money than sense is throwing cash at these metal mannequins like drunk sailors at a strip club. And now investors are pressuring everyone to build humanoid robots, whether it makes sense or not.
Here’s where it gets interesting though - and maybe it’s the bourbon talking, but hear me out. This company Prosper is actually thinking about trust. Novel concept, right? Their robot, Alfie (sounds like a British butler who’s seen some shit), is supposedly being designed with trustworthiness as the primary feature. They’re giving it “character flaws” and an “internal code of ethics.”
pours another drink
The real kicker? They want to sell these things for $10-15k each. That’s a lot of cash for something that might record your drunk karaoke sessions or decide your taste in furniture violates its ethical programming.
But here’s what nobody’s asking: Why are we so desperate to build mechanical versions of ourselves? Is it narcissism? Loneliness? The fact that we’ve watched too many reruns of “I, Robot” while high?
Trust isn’t just about making a robot look less creepy or giving it some programmed morals. Trust is earned through consistency, reliability, and transparency - three things I haven’t seen much of in these demos between blackouts.
Maybe instead of trying to replicate humans, we should focus on building machines that do what machines do best. You don’t see humans trying to evolve wheels or USB ports, do you?
lights another cigarette
The truth is, we’re nowhere near having robots that can think and act like humans. These companies are selling us a fantasy wrapped in chrome and circuits. It’s like that time I bought a “genuine” Rolex from a guy behind the bar - looks shiny on the surface, but we all know what’s really going on.
Until then, I’ll stick with my unreliable, frequently hungover, thoroughly human self. At least I know what I’m getting, even if it’s not always pretty.
Time for another drink. The robots can have my barstool when they pry it from my cold, bourbon-soaked hands.
P.S. If any robots are reading this, I take my Manhattan with rye, not bourbon. Don’t screw that up when you eventually take over.
Source: Will we ever trust robots?