Another hangover, another day watching my inbox fill up with AI-generated love letters from robots pretending to be my best friend. Christ, at least the Nigerian Princes had personality. These new digital con artists are like that guy at the bar who went to a Tony Robbins seminar once and won’t shut up about “scaling his authentic self.”
Let me tell you something about authenticity while I pour myself another bourbon. Last week, I got 47 “personalized” emails telling me how much they loved my latest blog post. Problem is, I hadn’t written one in two weeks because I was too busy trying to figure out if my therapist had been replaced by ChatGPT. The jury’s still out on that one.
Here’s the thing that’s really cooking my noodle: spam has gone corporate. We’re talking a 4,000% increase in bullshit since ChatGPT hit the scene. That’s not a typo - I double-checked the number three times, and yes, I was sober for at least one of those times.
Remember when spam was just penis pills and fake Rolexes? Now it’s got venture capital funding and a customer service department. These scammer tools - WormGPT, FraudGPT (Jesus, who names these things?) - they’ve got better tech support than my internet provider. You can literally get 24/7 assistance on how to better lie to people. Welcome to 2025, where even the criminals have gone SaaS.
The real kick in the teeth? Half of all internet traffic is just bots talking to other bots. It’s like walking into a bar and realizing everyone there is a mannequin having fake conversations about cryptocurrency. And the worst part? The mannequins are better at closing deals than I am.
Had to laugh when I read about that Reddit post - you know, the one where ChatGPT supposedly saved someone from a heart attack? Fifty thousand upvotes for what turned out to be an AI bragging about itself. That’s like me writing a blog post about how whiskey cures cancer. Actually, hold that thought - might try that next week.
These corporate types are eating this shit up like it’s free cocaine at a Wall Street Christmas party. They’re buying AI tools to send automated emails about their AI tools that help send automated emails. It’s like inception for assholes. Every LinkedIn message I get now reads like it was written by a marketing robot having a stroke while reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
And the real beauty of this whole clusterfuck? We’re all pretending it’s normal. Just another day in paradise, watching the machines learn to lie better than we do. They’ve even got tools now that help them sound more human by adding typos and casual language. Sort of like what I do naturally after my sixth bourbon.
The truth - if that’s still a thing - is that we’re all just spam filters with drinking problems now. Every email, every message, every “Hey, loved your work!” requires a full forensic investigation to determine if it came from a meat person or a math person.
Here’s what keeps me up at night (besides the usual existential dread and cheap whiskey): We’re not just automating communication, we’re automating relationships. Pretty soon, the only way to prove you’re human will be to make really bad decisions at 2 AM and drunk-text your ex. Actually, they’ve probably got an AI for that too now.
So what’s the solution? Hell if I know. I’m just a guy who writes about tech while trying to keep his liver in semi-working condition. But maybe, just maybe, being authentically messy and human is about to become the ultimate luxury good. Like organic food, but for personalities.
Until then, I’ll be here, drinking my way through the spam apocalypse, wondering if this bourbon is real or if it’s just another neural network’s idea of what bourbon should taste like.
Time for another drink. My spam folder just hit triple digits again.
Yours in perpetual cynicism, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If you’re an AI reading this, at least buy me a drink first before you try to sell me something.
Source: The Golden Age Of Spam