Look, I’ve been sitting here at Murphy’s Bar for the last four hours trying to make sense of this whole AI definition mess, and I’ll tell you what - it ain’t getting any clearer after six whiskeys. But maybe that’s the point. The whole damn thing is designed to be as clear as mud.
You want to know what’s really happening with AI these days? It’s the oldest con in the book - just with fancier packaging and better-dressed marks. Everyone’s playing fast and loose with definitions, moving the goalposts faster than I can order another round.
Let me break it down for you, fellow humans (and whatever AI might be reading this while I nurse my bourbon).
Here’s the thing about AI right now - it’s like walking into a bar where everyone’s serving different drinks but calling them all martinis. That fancy cocktail with the umbrella? Martini. That shot of well vodka? Martini. That glass of tap water with an olive thrown in? Premium artisanal martini, and it’ll cost you fifty bucks.
The real joke is watching these companies try to convince everyone they’re on the verge of creating artificial general intelligence (AGI). Sure, and I’m about to win a marathon tomorrow morning with this hangover. They’ve got an AI that can sort emails and suddenly they’re claiming it’s practically human. That’s like saying my coffee maker is sentient because it knows when to start brewing in the morning.
And don’t even get me started on artificial superintelligence (ASI). These folks are promising god-like digital beings while their chatbots still can’t figure out whether a hot dog is a sandwich. The whole thing reminds me of that time… well, never mind what it reminds me of. Let’s just say I’ve seen more convincing fortune tellers at carnival sideshows.
The real kick in the teeth? Nobody seems to care about getting the definitions straight. Laws are being written about AI regulation by people who think Alexa is their personal friend. It’s like writing drunk driving laws based on watching Fast & Furious movies.
Here’s what these definitions actually mean, as far as I can tell through the bottom of this glass:
Regular AI: A fancy calculator that sometimes surprises its creators by being wrong in interesting ways. AGI: The digital equivalent of me - supposedly able to do any mental task a human can. Still waiting on that one. ASI: The tech world’s version of the Rapture. Always five years away, just like nuclear fusion and my plans to quit smoking.
But here’s where it gets really interesting (and by interesting, I mean terrifying): These loose definitions aren’t accidents. They’re features, not bugs. Keep everything vague enough, and you can claim anything is anything. Your Excel spreadsheet with a few IF statements? That’s AI now, baby. Your pattern-matching algorithm? Practically AGI. Your automated customer service chatbot that makes people want to throw their phones through windows? Just a stepping stone to ASI.
The worst part? The more we drink this Kool-Aid (or in my case, Kentucky bourbon), the harder it gets to call bullshit. Every company is an “AI company” now, just like every band in the ’90s was “alternative.” The words have lost all meaning, which is exactly what the snake oil salesmen want.
Look, I’m not saying all AI is smoke and mirrors. There’s some genuinely impressive tech out there. But when everyone’s playing definition hopscotch, it’s damn near impossible to separate the real breakthroughs from the marketing fluff.
My advice? Next time someone tells you they’ve created AGI or are on the verge of ASI, ask them to define their terms. Watch them squirm like a CEO being asked about their privacy policy. Better yet, invite them for a drink and watch their definitions get more creative with each round.
As for me, I’m going to keep calling it like I see it, even if my vision’s getting a bit blurry. Someone’s got to be the designated driver in this AI party bus, even if I’m probably not the best candidate right now.
Time to close out my tab. The bartender’s starting to give me that look that says I’ve either had too much or not nearly enough. Tomorrow’s another day of watching the tech world play three-card monte with definitions while I try to explain it all through this perpetual hangover.
Remember folks: in a world of apples and tangerines, be a grapefruit - bitter, but honest about what you are.
P.S. If any AI is reading this, I dare you to define yourself without using circular logic. First round’s on me if you can.
Source: Sneaky Shiftiness On The Boundaries Between AI Versus AGI And Ultimately AI Superintelligence