Christ, what a week. I’m sitting here at 3 AM, staring at my laptop screen through bourbon-blurred vision, trying to make sense of what might be the most Gen Z thing I’ve ever had to write about. And believe me, I’ve covered NFT-powered cat breeding games.
So here’s the deal: Remember that “Hawk Tuah” viral sensation? No? Well, join the club. I had to Google it too, and I’m supposedly paid to know this stuff. Turns out some 22-year-old named Hailey Welch made a video that went viral, and now she’s launching an AI dating app called – I swear I’m not making this up – “Pookie Tool.”
Takes long sip of bourbon
Let that sink in. Pookie. Tool.
The real kicker? Bill Maher, of all people, apparently convinced her to do this. Because when I think “dating advice,” I immediately think of a 67-year-old libertarian comedian who hasn’t been in a public relationship since the Bush administration.
But here’s where it gets interesting (and where I needed to switch to the good bourbon): This isn’t just another dating app. No, no. This thing has features that would make Black Mirror writers say “hey, maybe dial it back a bit.”
First up, there’s something called the “Bald Predictor.” Yes, you read that right. Upload a photo of your potential date, and AI will tell you if they’re destined for the Chrome Dome Club. As someone who’s been fighting that battle for years (and losing), I can’t decide if this is brilliant or if we’ve finally jumped the shark into dystopia.
Then there’s the “Height Detector” - because apparently, we’ve reached a point in human evolution where we need artificial intelligence to tell us if someone’s lying about being 6 feet tall. The creator, being 5'8" herself, says this is her favorite feature. Of course it is.
Look, I’ve been covering tech long enough to know when something’s both ridiculous and potentially genius. This app is somehow both. For $50 a year (or $7 a week if you’re really bad at math), you get access to an AI chatbot that gives dating advice, suggests outfits, and even has something called a “Flirt Meter” that rates your messages on a scale from 0 to 100.
I tested the Flirt Meter with some of my old dating messages. It gave me a 12. Harsh, but fair.
The thing that’s really cooking my noodle here is that we’ve reached a point where Gen Z is so distrustful of human interaction that they’re willing to pay real money to have AI tell them if their date is going to go bald. When did we get here? I remember when the scariest thing about dating was your friend setting you up with their “really nice” cousin who turned out to be in a ska band.
But here’s what nobody’s talking about: This app is actually a brilliant commentary on our collective trust issues. We’d rather trust an AI to analyze someone’s future hairline than trust them to be honest about it. And you know what? Given the state of modern dating, I can’t even blame them.
The app also suggests date ideas based on your location, which honestly might be its most useful feature. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of failed relationships, it’s that “Netflix and chill” stops being cute around the same time you start getting mail from AARP.
They’re apparently training the AI using transcripts from her podcast, which means soon we’ll have an AI that can give dating advice while presumably saying “Hawk Tuah” a lot. What a time to be alive.
Bottom line? This app is either the death knell of human connection or the most honest thing to happen to dating since someone invented the Irish goodbye. Maybe both. The fact that it came from a 22-year-old who went viral and got career advice from Bill Maher just makes it peak 2024.
And hey, at least it’s more useful than another crypto project.
Signing off from the bottom of this bottle, Henry Chinaski
P.S. Tested the Bald Predictor on my own photo. It crashed the app. I’m choosing to take that as a win.
Source: ‘Hawk Tuah’ girl launches Pookie Tool, an AI-powered dating advice app, and it’s fine?