Listen, I’m three fingers of bourbon into my morning and I just read something that makes me question everything I know about cookies, artificial intelligence, and corporate America’s dedication to fixing things that aren’t broken.
Mondelez - the faceless overlords behind Oreos, Chips Ahoy, and various other reasons I can’t button my pants - has been secretly letting AI design their new cookie flavors. You heard that right. The same technology that’s supposed to cure cancer is now being used to decide how much “egg flavor” belongs in your midnight snack.
Let that sink in while I pour another drink.
The real kicker? They’re treating this like they’re running CERN, not a cookie factory. According to the Wall Street Journal (which I read at the bar because I’m a professional), they’ve developed some fancy machine learning tool that’s “more akin to drug discovery algorithms.” Because apparently, the world needed cookies developed with the same rigorous methodology as Pfizer’s latest wonder drug.
Here’s where it gets good: they’re teaching this AI about flavors like “burnt,” “egg-flavored,” and “oily.” Who the hell sits down and thinks, “You know what would make these Oreos better? If they tasted more like eggs.” I haven’t been this confused since I woke up wearing someone else’s pants at a DevOps conference.
The company’s been real proud about how their AI analyzes things like “in-mouth saltiness” and “vanilla intensity.” You know who else can analyze in-mouth saltiness? Humans. We’ve been doing it successfully for roughly 300,000 years. But sure, let’s outsource that to the machines. While we’re at it, maybe we can get ChatGPT to tell us when we’re in love.
Their R&D guy, Kevin Wallenstein, dropped this gem: “The number of tastings we have is not fun.” He used to work on Sour Patch Kids and said tasting them every day for a week was “a nightmare.” Buddy, I’ve been drinking bourbon for breakfast for fifteen years - that’s a nightmare. Your candy-tasting tragedy isn’t exactly making me reach for my tiny violin.
But wait - it gets better. In the early days, this brilliant AI kept trying to make cookies with massive amounts of baking soda because it was cheap. That’s right - their multi-million dollar algorithm tried to poison people because it was cost-effective. Finally, a machine that thinks like a corporate executive.
They had to bring in human “brand stewards” to prevent their robot from committing cookie crimes. Imagine that job interview: “So, what do you do?” “Oh, I stop artificial intelligence from turning Oreos into weapons of mass destruction.”
The whole thing reads like a bad Black Mirror episode written by someone who’s never actually eaten a cookie. They’ve been working on this since 2019, which explains a lot about some of the weird flavors that have come out lately. I’m looking at you, “Swedish Fish Oreos.”
You know what my grandmother used to use to make cookies? A recipe card stained with butter and love. No machine learning required. No optimization of “egg-flavored” parameters. Just pure, simple, “I know what humans like because I am one” intuition.
But hey, what do I know? I’m just a guy who writes about tech while maintaining a blood-alcohol level that technically makes me a fire hazard. Maybe this is progress. Maybe the future really is robots telling us what we want to stuff in our faces at 2 AM after a night of questionable decisions.
The really funny part? They’re treating this whole thing like it’s some kind of state secret. Like there’s industrial espionage around cookie algorithms. As if somewhere, in a dark room, a competitor’s spy is trying to crack the code of how much “burnt” flavor you can add before people start asking questions.
Look, I get it. Innovation is important. But there’s something deeply unsettling about machines designing our comfort foods. What’s next - AI-optimized bourbon? Actually, forget I said that. I don’t want to give them any ideas.
Until next time, I’ll be over here eating human-designed cookies and drinking robot-free whiskey.
burp
– Henry C. (Written from my usual barstool at O’Malley’s, where the only artificial intelligence is the jukebox that keeps playing Nickelback)
P.S. If anyone from Mondelez is reading this, I’m willing to be a taste tester. My rates are reasonable, and I only require that all cookies be paired with appropriate whiskey selections.