Christ, my head hurts. It’s 4 AM, and I’m staring at my laptop screen through bourbon-tinted glasses, trying to make sense of Coca-Cola’s latest crime against Christmas. Pour yourself a drink. You’re gonna need it.
Remember when holiday commercials were made by actual humans? You know, those creative types who’d chain-smoke their way through brainstorming sessions and emerge with something that made you feel things? Well, welcome to 2024, where Coke decided to let AI play Santa’s little helper.
Here’s the deal: Coca-Cola, that beacon of capitalism that somehow convinced us polar bears drink soda, just dropped their holiday ads. But instead of hiring actual artists, they fed some prompts into their digital blender and called it “Real Magic AI.” The only thing real about this is my hangover, and at least that was earned honestly.
The worst part? They’ve got some VP of “generative AI” - a title that probably pays more than my yearly bar tab - talking about “hyper-realistic and fantastical stories.” Buddy, I’ve had fever dreams after mixing bourbon with NyQuil that made more sense than your AI-generated winter wonderland.
Let me paint you a picture: cherry-red trucks driving through snowy towns, mechanical-looking squirrels, and a Santa that probably came straight from the same uncanny valley where my dating profile photos live. They’re calling it a tribute to their 1995 “Holidays Are Coming” campaign. Yeah, and I’m calling this glass of water in front of me “hydration therapy.”
The kicker? They worked with not one, not two, but THREE AI studios to produce this digital nightmare. Because apparently, one wouldn’t waste enough money. They named them Secret Level, Silverside AI, and The Wild Card. Sounds like the lineup at a robot strip club I once dreamed about during a particularly rough Tuesday morning.
You want to know what really twists my bourbon-soaked soul? They’re bragging about the “budgetary advantages.” Translation: Executive bonus season is coming early this year, kids. Meanwhile, actual artists are sitting at bars just like this one, wondering how they’re going to pay rent because some algorithm just took their gig.
But wait, it gets better. Last year, these geniuses released something called Coca-Cola Y3000, allegedly “co-created with AI.” I’ve tasted it. Spoiler alert: the future tastes like someone fed a computer every flavor from a broken soda fountain and hit “blend.”
The internet’s losing its mind, naturally. One guy on TikTok said they “ruined Christmas.” Kid, Christmas was ruined the moment department stores started playing Mariah Carey in October. This is just the garnish on our cocktail of cultural decay.
Look, I get it. Technology marches on. Progress is inevitable. But there’s something fundamentally wrong when a company that built its empire on “the real thing” starts peddling artificial everything. It’s like replacing your favorite bartender with a robot that can’t tell when you’ve had enough.
Here’s what nobody’s talking about: the soul. You can’t program soul. You can’t generate authentic human experience through a prompt. Trust me, I’ve tried to automate my writing process plenty of times, usually around last call, but there’s no algorithm for genuine insight. Just like there’s no substitute for the burn of real whiskey or the satisfaction of lighting up that first morning cigarette.
The truly ironic part? They’re still using their “real thing” slogan while proudly announcing these ads were made by “Real Magic AI.” That’s like me calling myself a health influencer because I switched from unfiltered to filtered cigarettes.
So here we are, watching the slow death of creative authenticity, one AI-generated snowflake at a time. At least when my ex-wife ruined Christmas, she had the decency to do it with human imperfection - you know, by running off with my neighbor and his collection of rare vinyl records.
Maybe I’m just an old-school drunk yelling at digital clouds. Maybe the future really is all about machines creating our holiday cheer. But I’ll tell you this: when the robots take over Christmas, I’ll be at O’Malley’s, raising a glass to the ghost of creativity past.
And hey, Coca-Cola, if you’re reading this - next time you want something real, come down to my regular spot. I’ll show you what authentic human failure looks like. It ain’t pretty, but at least it’s got heart.
Time for another drink. These AI-generated nightmares aren’t going to forget themselves.
Chinaski out.
P.S. - The bottle says “drink responsibly,” but it doesn’t specify whether that applies to human or artificial consumption. Just saying.
Source: Coca-Cola’s A.I.-Generated Holiday Ads Receive Backlash