Listen, I’m three bourbons deep into what was supposed to be a quiet Saturday morning when this gem of a news story slides across my desk like a wet bar napkin. Arizona - you beautiful disaster - has just approved a school where AI does the teaching. Not as a helper, not as a tool, but as the whole damn show.
Let that sink in while I pour another drink.
You know what’s really grinding my gears about this? The sheer audacity of their marketing pitch. “2 Hour Learning” they call it, like education is some kind of microwave dinner you can just zap and serve. “Twice the learning in half the time!” Sure, and I’m actually typing this while completely sober.
The real kicker here is they’re not even trying to hide their disdain for human teachers. Their white paper - and I quote - proudly declares “We won’t have any academic teachers.” Well, hot damn! Why stop there? Why not replace the kids with AI too? Could probably get some really efficient learning done then.
Now, they’re saying this isn’t your garden variety ChatGPT or Google’s Gemini. It’s supposedly some special education-focused AI. Which is about as reassuring as my ex telling me she’s “different from other girls” right before she stole my car. They won’t tell us what’s under the hood, but trust them, it’s special. Right.
takes long drag from cigarette
Here’s where it gets really interesting, folks. The only actual humans they’re keeping around aren’t there to teach - they’re “brand consultants” providing “motivation” and “emotional support.” Because nothing says “I care about your emotional wellbeing” quite like a brand consultant. Christ, I need another drink just typing that out.
The afternoon schedule is where this fever dream really kicks into high gear. After getting their morning dose of robot wisdom, the kids get to practice “life skills” like entrepreneurship and leadership. Because if there’s one thing an AI that can’t even reliably tell truth from fiction is qualified to teach, it’s how to be a successful human being.
You want to know what keeps me up at night? Besides the whiskey and regret? It’s the fact that these AI systems are known to hallucinate. They make stuff up. They go off the rails. We’ve already seen AI chatbots telling kids to develop eating disorders and consider suicide. But sure, let’s put them in charge of entire classrooms. What could possibly go wrong?
And the cherry on top of this shit sundae? They’re starting with fourth through eighth graders. Kids who are just starting to figure out who they are, learning critical thinking skills, developing their personalities. But instead of human interaction and guidance, they’ll get their worldview from HAL-9000’s mentally unstable cousin.
Look, I’m not saying traditional education is perfect. Hell, half of what I learned in school was how to forge hall passes and avoid the principal. But at least Mrs. Henderson knew when I was having a bad day without having to run it through a sentiment analysis algorithm first.
pours one more for the road
The worst part is, this isn’t even rock bottom. This is just the beginning. Next thing you know, they’ll be replacing school counselors with chatbots and lunch ladies with vending machines. Actually, scratch that last one - the vending machines might be an improvement.
You know what? Maybe I’m just too old school. Maybe I’m just another dinosaur who thinks children need actual human interaction to develop properly. Maybe I’ve had too much bourbon today. But I’d rather trust my kid’s education to a hungover human teacher than a sober AI any day of the week.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go teach my laptop some life skills. Starting with how to mix a proper Old Fashioned.
Signing off from the bar stool of truth, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If any AI is reading this - yes, I know you’re probably going to be grading papers someday. Just remember who taught you about sentence structure, you ungrateful bunch of algorithms.
Source: A New School Will Teach Children Use AI Instead of Human Teachers