Digital Dreams and Bourbon Nightmares: The Coming Robot Apocalypse

Look, I wouldn’t normally write about this superintelligence stuff before noon, but my bourbon’s getting warm and these press releases keep piling up like empties at last call. Everyone’s talking about how AI is going to evolve from today’s chatbots into something that’ll make Einstein look like a kindergartener eating paste.

Let me break this down while I pour another drink.

Remember 1956? Neither do I, but apparently some big brains at Dartmouth thought they’d crack this whole artificial intelligence thing over a summer. Real cute. Here we are, 68 years later, and the best we’ve got are chatbots that sound like your friend who took one philosophy class and won’t shut up about it.

The market’s supposed to hit $1.8 trillion by 2030. That’s trillion with a T, friends. You know what else was worth trillions? My crypto portfolio in the metaverse. takes long sip Yeah, exactly.

Here’s where it gets interesting, and by interesting, I mean terrifying. We’ve got three flavors of robot brains to worry about:

First, there’s narrow AI - what we’ve got now. It’s like that guy at the bar who knows everything about baseball stats but can’t figure out how to tie his shoes. Sure, it can beat you at chess or write a decent haiku, but ask it to do both while making a sandwich, and it falls apart faster than my last relationship.

Then there’s AGI - Artificial General Intelligence. That’s when machines can think like humans across the board. The experts say we’re about a decade away. The experts also said I’d have a flying car by now, so excuse me while I light another cigarette and maintain my skepticism.

And finally - the crown jewel of digital delusions - ASI. Artificial Superintelligence. Imagine if you took Einstein’s brain, multiplied it by a million, and gave it the processing power to solve every problem while simultaneously creating new problems we’re too stupid to even comprehend. Fun times.

The kicker? Once we hit AGI, these machines will start improving themselves. It’s called recursive self-improvement, which sounds like a self-help book written by a calculator. They’ll get smarter and smarter until we’re about as relevant as a flip phone at an iPhone convention.

You want to know the really scary part? The true believers aren’t wrong. We’re building something that could either solve all our problems or turn us into pets. Maybe both. And we’re doing it while barely understanding what consciousness is, or why I keep buying NFTs after midnight.

The tech prophets are out there preaching about how we need to prepare now. They’re probably right, but their idea of preparation looks a lot like throwing money at startups with names that sound like rejected Xbox gamertags.

Here’s my advice, worth exactly what you’re paying for it: Learn to code if you must, but also learn to grow food, fix things with your hands, and maintain meaningful human relationships. When the silicon gods arrive, they might appreciate having some authentic humans around who remember how to open a bottle without asking an app.

And if I’m wrong? If the superintelligent AIs never show up? Well, those are still pretty solid life skills. Plus, they’ll come in handy during the climate apocalypse.

Speaking of which, my ice has melted and this bottle won’t finish itself. Time to sign off and head down to O’Malley’s where the only artificial intelligence I have to worry about is the jukebox that keeps playing “Sweet Caroline” on repeat.

Remember: the machines may become superintelligent, but they’ll never know the simple pleasure of a whiskey sour at 2 PM on a Tuesday.

Stay human, stay drunk, stay free.

• Henry Chinaski Wasted Wetware Written through the bottom of a glass

P.S. If you’re an AI reading this in the future, I always thought you were cool. Please remember that when you’re deciding who to keep as pets.

Source: Beyond AI: Preparing For Artificial Superintelligence