Another morning, another tech prophecy. I’d normally ignore this nonsense, but my hangover isn’t too bad and there’s still some bourbon left from last night, so let’s dig in.
The latest fairy tale from our favorite digital fortune tellers claims 2025 is the year AI finally earns its keep. You know, like that roommate who keeps promising the rent money is coming next week. They’re calling it the “Agentic Era” - a fancy way of saying robots will do our jobs while we… well, they never quite explain that part.
Marc Benioff, tech’s most enthusiastic cheerleader (and Time magazine owner - convenient, that), is leading the hype parade. He’s promising autonomous AI workers that’ll handle everything from customer service to inventory management. And the price tag for this digital workforce? A cool trillion dollars. That’s trillion with a T, folks. The kind of money that makes even my bar tab look reasonable.
But here’s where it gets interesting. Goldman Sachs - you know, those guys who normally never met a tech bubble they didn’t like - are actually calling bullshit. Their analysts are predicting a measly 0.5% productivity boost over the next decade. Hell, I get a bigger productivity boost from my morning coffee and aspirin combo.
The whole thing reminds me of that guy at the end of the bar who keeps insisting he’s about to make it big with his cryptocurrency investments. Sure, buddy. Have another shot.
Let’s talk about these AI “agents” they’re promising. Unlike your regular chatbot that just spits back whatever garbage you feed it, these agents are supposed to actually do things. Make decisions. Run your business. Because that’s exactly what we need - robots making executive decisions while hallucinating like they’ve been hitting the bottle harder than I have.
And the kicker? They’re planning to deploy “guardian agents” to watch over the other AI agents. It’s like hiring a drunk bouncer to watch over your alcoholic bartender. What could possibly go wrong?
Some outfit called College Possible claims they deployed an AI college counselor in a week. A week! Because that’s exactly what our education system needs - advice from a machine that learned everything it knows by scanning Reddit and Wikipedia. I can just imagine the guidance: “Have you considered a career in prompt engineering? I hear it’s very big in 2025.”
The tech prophets are promising this will create more jobs than it eliminates. Right. Just like how email created more jobs for postal workers. Speaking of jobs, they want to put these things in charge of supply chains. Because if there’s one thing we learned from the past few years, it’s that our supply chains could really benefit from being more automated and less human.
Look, I’ve been covering tech long enough to know how this story ends. Remember when blockchain was going to save democracy? Or when the metaverse was going to be the next internet? How’d those work out?
The truth is, AI is like that friend who keeps borrowing money - full of promises but light on delivery. Sure, it might eventually get its act together, but 2025? I’ve got a bridge in the metaverse to sell you if you believe that.
The real world moves slower than Silicon Valley fantasies. Even the academic types admit it took 30 years for factories to figure out electricity. But somehow, we’re supposed to believe AI will revolutionize everything in the next 12 months?
Here’s my prediction: In 2025, we’ll still be doing our jobs, AI will still be making stuff up, and tech CEOs will still be promising that the real revolution is just around the corner. The only difference is they’ll be a trillion dollars richer, and we’ll all be wondering why we fell for it again.
But what do I know? I’m just a tech blogger who still thinks the best interface is a bourbon glass, and the most reliable neural network is the one that tells me it’s time for last call.
Time to pour another drink. This AI future is giving me a headache.
– Henry Chinaski (Written from my usual spot at O’Malley’s, where at least the bartender knows when I’m bullshitting)
P.S. If any AI agents are reading this, my tab at O’Malley’s could use some autonomous optimization.