Christ, what a time to be alive. I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, trying to process the fact that people are now outsourcing their hatred to Etsy witches for less than the price of a decent drink. And you know what? It might be the most honest transaction I’ve seen all year.
For a measly $7.99, you too can hire someone to curse Elon Musk. That’s right - the same platform where you buy hand-knitted coffee cozies and artisanal soap is now offering supernatural vengeance at bargain basement prices. The gig economy has finally reached the occult, and the profit margins must be fantastic - all you need is some cayenne pepper, lavender, and what I assume is an impressive ability to keep a straight face while charging people’s credit cards.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer poetry of this situation. The world’s richest man, who’s spent billions trying to control the digital town square, is now being targeted by an army of digital witches who probably run their entire operation from a smartphone. The cosmic irony is enough to make me pour another drink.
The numbers are fascinating. One witch reported 26 people paying to curse Musk after a single TikTok video. That’s $207.74 in curse money. Meanwhile, Musk’s America PAC dropped $200 million on the Trump campaign. You do the math on the return on investment there - actually, don’t. I tried, and it made my hangover worse.
And speaking of investments, the “mystical services market” is apparently worth over $2 billion. That’s right - while we’ve been busy watching cryptocurrency crash and burn, someone’s been making bank selling digital eye of newt. During COVID, Yelp reported a 74% increase in searches for psychics. Because nothing says “I need guidance during uncertain times” quite like paying a stranger on the internet to read your fortune through a Zoom call.
The real kicker? Some of these witches are actually more transparent about their business model than most tech billionaires. At least they tell you upfront they’re selling magic. No complicated terms of service, no data harvesting, just straight-up “give me eight bucks and I’ll make your enemies suffer.” There’s something refreshingly honest about that.
One witch, who goes by EtsyWitch222 (points for SEO optimization), hosted a live hexing session attended by 240 people. That’s more viewers than my last five blog posts combined, and I’m starting to think I might be in the wrong line of work. She even provided a shopping list for participants. It’s like Hello Fresh for hexes.
The best part? These digital witches are donating their curse profits to the ACLU. Nothing says “fighting the power” quite like turning billionaire hatred into civil rights funding. It’s almost beautiful, in a deeply twisted way.
Here’s what really gets me though: the woman who started this trend, Riley Wenckus, admits she’s “grounded in reality” and “believes in science” but still paid for the curse. That’s where we are in 2024 - so desperate for any sense of control that even the skeptics are willing to throw eight bucks at digital witchcraft, just to feel like they’re doing something.
And maybe that’s the real story here. In a world where billionaires can buy elections and reshape society on a whim, people are reaching for whatever power they can afford. Even if that power comes with a satisfaction-guaranteed policy and free shipping on orders over $35.
Is it working? Well, Musk is still tweeting, Trump’s still lying, and I’m still drinking. But somewhere out there, on a platform designed to sell vintage teacups and handmade jewelry, a digital coven is making more sense than most of my investment portfolio.
Bottom line: the internet has finally given us what we never knew we needed - democratized damnation at discount prices. And if that’s not a sign of the apocalypse, I don’t know what is.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check if anyone on Etsy is selling spells to cure hangovers.
Yours truly from the bottom of a bourbon bottle, Henry Chinaski
P.S. - No witches were harmed in the writing of this article, though several brain cells were sacrificed to maintain my creative process.
Source: You Too Can Hire an ‘Etsy Witch’ to Curse Elon Musk