Listen, I’ve seen some desperate rebranding attempts in my time. Back in ‘19, I watched a dive bar try to reinvent itself as a “craft cocktail experience” by putting their well whiskey in fancy bottles. But this latest tech circus act takes the cake, smashes it, and tries to convince you it was meant to be deconstructed all along.
So here’s the deal: Remember RealDolls? Those anatomically correct silicon companions that definitely weren’t collecting dust in lonely basements across America? Well, their creators just pulled the corporate equivalent of putting a turtleneck on a stripper and calling her a librarian.
Meet Aria, the latest “social companion” robot from Realbotix. She’s got all the curves of her predecessors but none of the, uh, functionality. The company swears she’s meant for wholesome activities like greeting theme park guests or working hospital reception. Because nothing says “get well soon” like a robot that looks like she stepped out of a Blade Runner-themed gentleman’s club.
The best part? This whole operation got bought by a crypto company. You heard that right. The same geniuses who dropped $2.4 million on fake metaverse real estate - basically buying Monopoly properties with real money - are now in charge of manufacturing “companion” robots. You can’t make this stuff up, and believe me, I’m not nearly drunk enough to try.
Here’s where it gets really rich: They’re publicly traded on three exchanges. That means somewhere, right now, some poor bastard in a suit is trying to explain to investors why their sex doll company pivoted to making AI concierges. “No, no, see, we removed the genitals. It’s totally different now!” I bet that PowerPoint presentation was a real knee-slapper.
The CEO, Andrew Kiguel, proudly announced that “you can remove the faces off our robots in under five seconds.” Because apparently, what every hotel lobby needs is a robot whose face you can rip off faster than I can order a bourbon. He added that the body parts are modular, so they can “create a whole new robotic character off the same chassis.” Nothing dystopian about that, folks. Nothing at all.
And the kicker? They’re marketing this as a solution to loneliness. Look, I get it. We’re all a little lost in this digital age. But maybe - just maybe - the answer isn’t a sexless robot with swappable faces who remembers your name and favorite color.
The company spokesperson told reporters that “Aria does not have genitalia. She has a hard shell body.” Which, coincidentally, is exactly how I’d describe my ex-wife’s lawyer. But I digress.
Here’s what kills me: they’re so desperate to distance themselves from their roots that they’re willing to alienate their core market while chasing some sanitized, AI-powered future that nobody asked for. It’s like watching a punk rocker trade their leather jacket for a cardigan and try to make it in smooth jazz.
The truth is, we’re watching the tech industry do what it always does: take something people actually want, remove the interesting parts, add AI, and pretend it’s progress. It’s like serving non-alcoholic whiskey and calling it an upgrade.
Will it work? Well, considering their competition includes Elon Musk’s Tesla bot (which will probably call you a pedophile if you criticize it) and various other Silicon Valley pipe dreams, who knows? But I’ve got a feeling this particular emperor isn’t just missing genitals - he’s missing clothes entirely.
For now, I’ll stick to solving my loneliness the old-fashioned way: boring strangers at bars with my opinions on technology while nursing a bottle of bourbon. At least the bourbon never tries to convince me it’s actually a therapeutic companion designed to enhance my social intelligence.
Until next time, this is Henry Chinaski, signing off to go have an unfiltered, human-like conversation with my bartender about why robots don’t need boobs to check people into hospitals.
P.S. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at O’Malley’s, conducting important research on whether actual human companions are still superior to AI ones. You know, for science.
Source: Company Says Its Sexy Robot “Companions” No Longer Have Genitals and Are “Not Meant for Sex”