Originally published on WastedWetware.com, January 16, 2025
I should’ve known better than to read OpenAI’s latest manifesto while nursing this monster hangover. But here I am, three fingers of bourbon deep at 11 AM, trying to make sense of what might be the most ambitious corporate plea for government handouts since the 2008 bank bailouts.
Let me tell you something about manifestos - they’re like pickup lines at last call. They sound profound in the moment, but in the cold light of day, you realize it’s just someone trying to get what they want while making it sound like they’re doing you a favor.
OpenAI just dropped their “Economic Blueprint” for America, and boy, is it a doozy. They’re comparing AI to the automobile revolution, which is cute. Real cute. Because nothing says “trust us with the future” quite like comparing yourself to an industry that gave us both the Model T and the Pinto.
The whole thing reads like it was written by a committee of MBAs who’ve never had to debug code at 3 AM while surviving on vending machine coffee. They’re throwing around terms like “democratic AI” and “frontier models” like they’re handing out free drink tickets at a tech conference.
And here’s where it gets interesting (taking a sip of bourbon for clarity): They’ve got their eyes on $175 billion in global funds just sitting around, waiting to be invested in AI projects. That’s billion with a B, folks. The kind of money that makes even my bar tab look reasonable.
But the real kicker? They’re worried that if America doesn’t grab this cash, it’ll flow to China. It’s the old “if you don’t date me, you’ll end up with that bad boy” routine. Classic.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying they don’t have some valid points. The part about needing better infrastructure? That’s spot on. Hell, I can’t even get decent wifi in this bar, and they want to build an “AI Infrastructure Highway.” But their solution is essentially “give us the keys to the kingdom, and we promise to drive carefully.”
They’re talking about “rules of the road” while simultaneously asking for federal preemption from state-by-state regulations. That’s like me telling the bouncer I’ll behave myself while trying to smuggle in my own flask.
The document goes on about protecting children, knowing where content comes from, and letting users “personalize their AI tools.” All noble goals, sure. But coming from a company that’s essentially asking to be the DMV of artificial intelligence, it’s a bit rich.
Let’s talk about their infrastructure demands. They want AI Economic Zones (whatever those are), nationwide education strategies, and federal backstops for “high-value AI public works.” In other words, they want to build a nationwide network of compute power and data centers, backed by Uncle Sam’s credit card. It’s like asking your parents to cosign on a Ferrari because you promise to use it for grocery runs.
You know what’s really got me reaching for another drink? The way they wrap everything in the American flag. “We believe in America because America believes in innovation.” Sure, and I believe in sobriety because sobriety believes in me. Doesn’t make it true.
The truth is, this blueprint isn’t about making America great again through AI. It’s about ensuring that when the AI gold rush hits full swing, OpenAI is sitting pretty as the primary claim holder. And they want taxpayers to build the railroad that gets them there.
Look, I’m not saying AI isn’t important. Hell, it’s probably the most important technology since some drunk caveman figured out how to make fire. But when someone comes along promising to solve all of humanity’s problems while asking for the keys to the national treasury, my BS detector starts beeping louder than my morning alarm.
Maybe I’m just too cynical. Maybe it’s the bourbon talking. But I’ve seen enough tech manifestos to know that the grander the promises, the harder you should squint at the fine print.
Time for another drink. At least the bourbon delivers exactly what it promises.
– Henry Chinaski
P.S. If you’re reading this, Sam Altman, I’ll gladly discuss this over drinks. Your AI might be able to write poetry, but can it appreciate a perfectly aged single malt?
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