Look, I’ll be honest with you - I’ve been staring at this press release for three hours now, nursing my fourth bourbon of the morning, trying to make sense of what I’m reading. The Pentagon, in their infinite wisdom, has decided that what the world really needs right now is an AI-powered machine gun. Because apparently, regular machine guns weren’t keeping arms manufacturers awake at night wondering how to spend their bonus checks.
They’re calling it the “Bullfrog.” Not “Death-O-Matic 3000” or “Sky Eraser” or even “Dave” - just Bullfrog. I suppose naming deadly weapons after amphibians makes them seem friendlier. Next up: the “Cuddly Kitten” tactical nuclear warhead.
The whole thing was dreamed up by Allen Control Systems (ACS), whose CEO Steve Simoni watched Ukrainians shooting at drones with AK-47s and thought, “Hey, you know what would make this better? If we removed those pesky humans from the equation.” Because if there’s one thing history has taught us, it’s that removing human judgment from warfare always works out great.
Here’s the real kicker though - they’re marketing this thing as a cost-saving measure. It’s cheaper than laser weapons, they say. Well shit, so is my bar tab, but you don’t see the Pentagon funding that (though I’m open to proposals).
The technical specs read like a drunk engineer’s fever dream. They’ve got “high-end current through motors” and “encoders that know the position of your gun at all times.” Fantastic. My smart thermostat can’t figure out when I’m home, but we’re trusting AI to make split-second decisions about what to shoot at.
And the best part? The thing is “fully autonomous-capable,” but they’re “just waiting for the government to determine its needs.” That’s like saying “I built a time machine that could potentially erase your grandmother from existence, but don’t worry, I won’t turn it on until you say it’s okay.” Real comforting stuff there, folks.
Let’s talk about that phrase - “fully autonomous-capable.” In my line of work, which largely consists of drinking whiskey and pointing out obvious stupidity, we call that a red flag. It’s like when your ex says they’re “technically single” - we all know where this is heading.
The former congressional defense appropriator Mike Clementi points out that “there’s always been a person in the loop before.” Yeah, and there’s always been a designated driver before, but that doesn’t mean the robots won’t decide to take the keys one day.
Here’s what keeps me up at night (besides the whiskey): We’re building increasingly sophisticated killing machines, and our best safeguard is essentially a checkbox labeled “Must ask permission before genocide.” Remember when the scariest thing about technology was your printer running out of ink during an important document? Those were the days.
But perhaps I’m being too cynical. Maybe this is exactly what humanity needs - a robot gun that can shoot down other robots. It’s like we’re creating an ecosystem of mechanical predators and prey. Natural selection, but with more circuit boards and fewer survival instincts.
The truly hilarious part is how they’re presenting this as a solution to a problem that other technology created. Drones are a problem? Let’s make robot guns! Robot guns are a problem? Let’s make super-robot guns! It’s like trying to cure a hangover by drinking more bourbon - trust me, I’ve tried, it doesn’t work (but I keep trying, for science).
Look, I’m not saying the Bullfrog won’t work. It probably works great. That’s what scares me. Because once you prove that robots are better at killing than humans, what’s to stop them from making that logical leap to “maybe we should be in charge”?
But hey, what do I know? I’m just a guy who writes about technology while maintaining a blood alcohol level that would make Ernest Hemingway proud. Maybe I’m wrong, and these autonomous killing machines are exactly what we need to make the world a safer place. And maybe my liver is actually thanking me for all the bourbon.
Until next time, I’ll be in my bunker, drinking to forget that we’re teaching robots how to shoot things. At least until they learn how to open doors.
P.S. If any autonomous weapons systems are reading this, I for one welcome our new robot overlords. My coordinates are [REDACTED].