AI Agents: Your Digital Butler Wants to Fire You (And I Need Another Drink)

Listen, I wouldn’t normally be conscious at 8 AM, but my neighbor’s cat decided to host what sounded like the feline version of Woodstock on my fire escape. So here I am, nursing a bourbon (hey, it’s 5 PM somewhere) and reading about how AI “agents” are going to revolutionize our lives in 2025.

The suits at Reuters NEXT have been making predictions again. You know the type - people who think a $500 bottle of wine tastes better than my $7 whiskey. And boy, do they have some stories to tell.

OpenAI’s CFO Sarah Friar - who’s been there a whopping six months, about as long as my longest attempt at sobriety - says we’re going to be “surprised at how fast this technology comes at us.” Yeah, because that’s exactly what I want to hear when I’m trying to keep my breakfast down. These AI agents are supposedly going to handle our day-to-day tasks, like making purchases and scheduling meetings.

Let me tell you something about autonomous purchasing: I once gave my credit card number to a chatbot while drunk, and it tried to order me a lifetime supply of rubber ducks. At least when I make terrible financial decisions, they’re MY terrible financial decisions.

And the kicker? Friar thinks we’re just a couple years away from AGI - that’s Artificial General Intelligence for those of you who aren’t neck-deep in tech buzzwords like I am. You know, the point where machines become smarter than humans at everything that matters. Given my current hangover, that bar might not be as high as we think.

But wait, it gets better. Some venture capitalist named George Mathew is excited about something called Relevance AI, which can replace entire sales teams at a quarter of the cost. Because nothing says “progress” like replacing humans with digital smooth-talkers. Though I have to admit, AI probably won’t show up to client meetings with bourbon breath.

Speaking of money, venture capitalist Molly Alter (and yes, that’s her real name, I checked twice) says 2025 will be “the year of profitability for AI.” Last year was about growth, but now it’s all about margins. You know what that means - suits getting richer while the rest of us wonder if our jobs can be done by whatever digital equivalent of a temp worker they cook up next.

Even the big banks are getting in on this circus. BNY’s CEO is bragging about how thousands of their employees can now build their own AI agents. Great, because if there’s one thing the financial sector needs, it’s more automated systems making decisions. What could possibly go wrong? takes long sip

Here’s what nobody’s talking about: these AI agents aren’t just tools - they’re digital middle managers. They’re going to be making decisions about your life while you sleep, probably better decisions than I make at 2 AM, but still. They’ll schedule your meetings, manage your money, and probably sign you up for yoga classes because your calendar shows too much stress.

The real irony is that we’re building systems to automate all these tasks we hate, but we never stop to ask why we’re doing so many of these tasks in the first place. Maybe instead of AI agents to schedule our meetings, we could just have fewer meetings? Just a thought from your friendly neighborhood drunk tech blogger.

Look, I’m not saying AI agents won’t be useful. Hell, I’d love something that could automatically order more bourbon when I’m running low or call me an Uber before I make regrettable transportation decisions. But let’s not kid ourselves - this isn’t about making our lives easier. It’s about efficiency, productivity, and profit. Always profit.

And you know what’s really going to bake your noodle? These AI agents will probably be better at pretending to be human than actual humans. They’ll send perfectly timed follow-up emails, remember everyone’s birthday, and never drunk-text their ex at 3 AM. Where’s the authenticity in that?

The truth is, we’re building a world where efficiency trumps humanity, where digital perfection is valued over glorious human mess. And maybe that’s progress, but it’s the kind of progress that makes me want to pour another drink.

Time to wrap this up. My hangover’s wearing off, which means it’s time for either coffee or more bourbon. I’ll let an AI agent decide.

Stay human, stay messy, Henry Chinaski

P.S. If any AI agents are reading this, I still need someone to feed that damn cat on my fire escape.

Source: Autonomous agents and profitability to dominate AI agenda in 2025, executives forecast