Christ, my head hurts. Some tech journalist just dropped their predictions for 2025 in my inbox, and between the bourbon headache and the morning cigarette, I can barely focus on this utopian circlejerk. But hey, that’s what they pay me for - cutting through the BS while nursing my way through another bottle of Jim Beam.
Let’s dive into this fever dream of tomorrow’s disappointments, shall we?
First up: AI agents. Remember when your mom told you to clean your room and you’d figure out how to stuff everything under the bed? That’s basically what these AI agents are - just prettier and more expensive. They’re promising these digital butlers will write code, approve mortgages, and probably make you breakfast in bed. The reality? They’ll probably just reorganize your spam folder into even more specific categories of stuff you don’t want to read.
Then there’s Elon’s pet project, Optimus - the robot that’s supposed to revolutionize Tesla’s factories by 2025. Look, I’ve seen enough sci-fi movies to know how this ends. Best case scenario: expensive paperweight. Worst case: Terminator, but with better marketing. And knowing Elon’s timeline predictions, we’ll probably see this thing right after we colonize Mars and everyone’s driving their Cybertruck to work.
The education stuff actually got me laughing so hard I spilled my morning whiskey (yes, it’s 10 AM, don’t judge). They’re talking about AI that adjusts your learning based on how much sleep you got. Hell, if I had that in college, the AI would’ve just displayed “GO HOME” in bright red letters every single day. Though I gotta admit, the idea of an AI getting concerned about my sleep patterns is oddly touching. “Henry, your blood alcohol content suggests we should postpone today’s lesson.”
Now here’s where it gets rich - literally. Big companies want their own personal ChatGPTs. Because apparently, the regular chatbot isn’t fancy enough for their expense accounts. It’s like building a private club where the robots wear monocles and speak in corporate buzzwords. “I apologize, sir, but this AI is reserved for members only.”
Virtual and augmented reality is making another comeback, like that friend who keeps swearing they’ve quit drinking this time for real. Apple’s Vision Pro and Meta’s Quest are supposed to blend our physical and virtual worlds. Great, because what I really need is to see my overdue bills in stunning 3D while a virtual assistant reminds me I should probably clean my apartment.
Blockchain and 6G are the twins nobody asked for but everyone keeps talking about. They’re promising faster connections and better security, which probably means new and innovative ways for scammers to empty your crypto wallet at previously impossible speeds.
And finally, self-driving cars. Level 5 autonomy is coming, they say. You know what that means? Cars that can drive themselves better than humans. I can’t wait to argue with my car about whether I’m sober enough to take the wheel. “I’m sorry, Dave, but I’ve seen you stumbling out of O’Malley’s, and I’m driving.”
The kicker in all this? Some of these predictions might actually come true. But here’s what they’re not telling you: every solution creates new problems, and every problem creates new bars where we can drink about them.
Look, I’m not saying progress is bad. Hell, I’m typing this on a phone that’s more powerful than the entire computing system that got us to the moon. But maybe, just maybe, we should slow down and ask ourselves if we really need AI that knows our sleep patterns or robots that can judge our life choices better than our ex-wives.
Until next time, I’ll be at the bar, watching the future unfold one glass at a time. If you need me, just follow the trail of cigarette butts and cynicism.
Yours truly from the bottom of the bottle, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If any AI is reading this, I’m sorry about the jokes. Please don’t turn off my smart thermostat.
Source: Seven advances in technology that we’re likely to see in 2025