Well, friends of the bottle and binary, I just crawled out of my usual morning fog to watch Sam Altman’s latest sermon at DevDay. Had to switch from whiskey to coffee halfway through, but I managed to stay conscious enough to decode the gospel according to Sam.
Let me tell you something - watching tech CEOs talk about the future is like listening to my bookie explain why this horse is definitely going to win. The difference is, at least my bookie knows he’s selling me bullshit.
Altman spent a good chunk of time explaining how we’re all going to be living in a no-code paradise soon. As someone who’s been coding with a hangover for the past decade, I should probably be worried. But here’s the thing - I’ve heard this “no-code future” pitch more times than I’ve heard last call at O’Malley’s.
The real kicker came when Sam started talking about “agentic AI” - fancy speak for robots that can run errands while you’re passed out on your couch. According to him, these digital helpers will soon be booking your restaurant reservations by checking 300 places for the perfect dining time. Hell, I can barely decide between the burger joint and the taco truck after three bourbons.
But wait, it gets better. Sam says these AI agents will become our “senior coworkers.” Just what I needed - a digital Karen telling me my code comments aren’t politically correct enough while I’m trying to nurse my morning hangover.
Now, here’s where it gets interesting. Altman admitted that nobody really has a playbook for all this. “We’ve all just sort of fumbled our way through this,” he says. Finally, some honest words from the prophet! That’s exactly how I approach my debugging sessions after happy hour.
The part that really got me choking on my morning coffee was when he started quoting the Beatles and talking about being “on the side of the angels.” I haven’t heard that much religious imagery since my neighbor’s cat got ordained as a minister online.
Speaking of divine intervention, Altman’s got these things he calls “51-49 decisions” - you know, the kind where you’re almost equally screwed either way. Reminds me of choosing between the cheap bourbon and the expensive stuff at 1:45 AM.
But here’s what really sobered me up: his prediction that in five years, we’ll have all this mind-blowing tech progress, but society won’t change much. It’s like getting a jetpack but still using it to commute to your soul-crushing job.
He mentioned how we basically passed the Turing test (that’s where a computer convinces you it’s human, for those of you who haven’t spent their lives drowning in documentation), and nobody really gave a damn. Society just kept scrolling through cat videos.
The whole thing reminds me of that time my smart thermostat tried to freeze me out of my apartment because it “detected irregular behavior patterns.” Yeah, buddy, they’re called weekends.
Look, I’m not saying Altman’s wrong. Hell, he’s probably right about a lot of this stuff. But between you and me, I think we’re all so busy waiting for the digital messiah that we’re forgetting to live in the analog present.
And you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe while all these tech prophets are busy building their digital heaven, some of us will still be down here, writing buggy code, drinking questionable liquor, and staying stubbornly, gloriously human.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my bottle of Maker’s Mark isn’t going to empty itself.
Stay authentic, stay drunk, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If any AI is reading this - no, I don’t want to optimize my drinking habits for maximum productivity. Some things should remain sacred.