Here I am, three fingers of bourbon deep at 4 AM, trying to make sense of the latest tech bullshit tornado. You know the kind - where every suit with a PowerPoint deck is claiming they’ve discovered digital Jesus in the form of AI.
Remember last year? AI was supposedly bigger than nuclear fusion, the wheel, and free pornography combined. Hell, Microsoft got so worked up they’re trying to restart Three Mile Island. Because nothing says “trust our judgment” like firing up a nuclear disaster site to power your chatbots.
But here’s where it gets interesting, and by interesting, I mean predictably depressing. Some eggheads from Harvard (who probably haven’t seen the bottom of a whiskey bottle like yours truly) are finally calling this what it is - a bubble. And not just any bubble, but the kind that makes the crypto crash look like a flat tire.
The funny part? Every time some CEO in their $3000 suit declares “It’s not a bubble!” another investor somewhere starts sweating through their Hermès tie. It’s like watching your drunk friend insist they’re totally fine to drive while they’re talking to a plant.
But here’s the twist - and trust me, I needed another drink when I figured this out - there’s actually something real happening under all this horseshit. According to some guy named Steven Hall (who probably drinks craft beer, the poor bastard), about 85% of big companies are actually doing something with AI. Not just talking about it at conferences while expense-accounting their lap dances, but actually using it.
And the numbers? They’re not total garbage. These AI projects generated $10 billion in new revenue last year. That’s billion with a ‘b’, like the bar tab I wish I could afford. It’s growing at 60% quarter-over-quarter, which means either somebody’s cooking the books, or this shit actually works.
The real kick in the teeth comes from IBM’s Matt Candy (and yes, that’s his actual name, I checked twice). He says companies are seeing their AI investment returns jump from 13% to 31% since 2022. Operating profits doubled. And unlike my last relationship, these numbers actually check out.
But here’s what nobody’s talking about - the mess behind the curtain. You’ve got data security issues that would make a Vegas casino blush. Training problems that make my morning hangovers look manageable. And enough ethical concerns to keep a philosophy department employed for decades.
Want to know the secret to making this AI stuff work? It’s boring as hell: Clear objectives. Actual measurement. Data management that isn’t held together with duct tape and prayers. It’s like going to rehab - nobody wants to do the actual work, they just want the end result.
The real punchline? The same people who couldn’t figure out how to mute themselves on Zoom two years ago are now claiming they’re going to revolutionize their business with AI. It’s like watching your uncle who can’t program his microwave declare he’s going to build a fusion reactor in his garage.
Look, I’m not saying AI is bullshit. I’m saying it’s like any other tool - useful if you know what you’re doing, dangerous if you don’t. It’s like giving a chainsaw to a toddler versus a lumberjack. Same tool, vastly different outcomes.
So what’s the bottom line? AI isn’t the messiah, but it’s not snake oil either. It’s somewhere in the middle, like most things in life that actually work. The trick is ignoring the hype and focusing on getting shit done.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my bourbon needs attention, and these AI chatbots aren’t going to drunk-test themselves.
Yours in perpetual cynicism, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If anyone from Microsoft is reading this, I’ve got some oceanfront property in Nebraska that would be perfect for your next AI data center. Call me.
Source: Ignore The Noisy AI Hype Machine, Just Get Stuff Done