Alright, you boozehounds and keyboard jockeys, buckle up, because the hairpiece-in-chief is back at it again, and this time he’s got a plan so crazy, it just might work… or not. Probably not. Anyway, I need a refill. Be right back.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, the end of the world as we know it. So, Trump’s latest brain fart involves replacing, get this, human jobs with AI. Yeah, you heard that right. The guy who can barely string together a coherent sentence wants to let loose a bunch of algorithms on the workforce. What could possibly go wrong?
lights a cigarette and takes a long drag
The official line, of course, is that this whole shebang is going to create “hundreds of thousands of American jobs.” Right. And I’m gonna wake up tomorrow morning with a six-pack that doesn’t involve a liquor store and a credit card I shouldn’t be using.
The whole thing is called Stargate, which already sounds like some sci-fi wet dream cooked up by a bunch of nerds who haven’t seen the sun in decades. And the price tag? A cool $500 billion. Half a trillion dollars. Let that sink in for a minute while I top off this glass.
pours a generous amount of bourbon
Now, the thinking, if you can call it that, is that this AI boondoggle will eventually replace “all office work.” All of it. So, you know those paper-pushers, those email jockeys, those spreadsheet samurai? Gone. Replaced by lines of code that probably cost more than a small country.
And the kicker? The only way they even come close to making their money back is if this AI actually does take over most of the work humans do on computers. Which, if you’ve ever tried to get your printer to work, you know is about as likely as me winning the lottery and immediately donating it all to a monastery.
takes a large gulp of bourbon
They’re talking about 18 million people out of a job in a few years. 18 million. That’s more people than… than… well, it’s a lot. And what are they gonna do? Retrain? As what? Robot therapists? AI ethicists? Professional dog walkers for the robot dogs that haven’t been invented yet?
chuckles dryly
And sure, some egghead at Dartmouth, this Nathan Zorzi, is talking about an “automation tax” to help the poor saps who get replaced by our new robot overlords. Sounds nice, right? Like something out of a socialist utopia, or maybe one of them commie pinko countries where they still have safety nets and healthcare.
lights another cigarette
But let’s be real. This is America. We don’t do “safety nets.” We do bootstraps. And if you can’t pull yourself up by your bootstraps when you don’t even have a job anymore, well, that’s your own damn fault, isn’t it?
Look, I’m not saying AI is all bad. I mean, I use it to help write this blog, for crying out loud. But there’s a difference between using a tool and letting the tool use you. And that’s what this whole Stargate thing feels like. It’s like we’re all just guinea pigs in some twisted experiment to see how much of our humanity we can outsource before we all just become cogs in the machine.
And the thing is, these AI, they’re not gonna be sitting in a bar at 3 am, nursing a whiskey and pondering the meaning of life. They’re not gonna be writing bad poetry about lost loves and the futility of existence. They’re not gonna know the sweet, sweet relief of a perfectly timed cigarette after a long, hard day of doing absolutely nothing.
They’ll be efficient, sure. Productive, maybe. But they won’t be human. And maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe they’re trying to get rid of us messy, unpredictable, emotional humans and replace us with something they can control.
finishes off the bourbon
Or maybe, just maybe, this is all just a bunch of hot air. A distraction. A way to keep us talking about robots taking our jobs while they quietly pick our pockets and sell off what’s left of our souls.
Who knows. All I know is, it’s a Sunday, I’m already half in the bag, and the future looks about as bright as the bottom of this empty glass.
Cheers, or whatever.
Source: A Key Trump Goal Emerges: Replacing Human Jobs With AI