Listen, I’ve been through enough tech hype cycles to know when someone’s trying to sell me oceanfront property in Arizona. Right now, I’m nursing my third bourbon of the morning, watching another tech CEO perform the time-honored dance of “AI will save us all” while reality tells a different story.
Klarna’s CEO Sebastian Siemiatkowski (try saying that three times fast after a bottle of Jack) recently went on Bloomberg TV claiming his company “stopped hiring” thanks to AI. The kicker? They’ve got over 50 job openings right now. That’s one hell of a way to stop hiring, chief.
Let me break this down while I pour another drink.
This guy claims AI is doing the work of 700 humans at his company. Seven hundred. That’s like saying my coffee maker is doing the work of an entire Starbucks franchise. Sure, it makes coffee, but it’s not writing passive-aggressive notes about my milk-to-coffee ratio or judging me for ordering at 8 AM while still smelling like last night’s whiskey.
Here’s where it gets really good: Siemiatkowski made an AI deepfake of himself to report financial results. Because nothing says “trust our financial statements” like having a digital puppet deliver the news. What’s next? An AI bartender that pretends to care about my problems?
The numbers tell a different story than our AI-evangelical friend. They went from 4,500 employees to 3,500. Impressive, until you realize that’s the same headcount they had in 2021. This isn’t some AI revolution; this is basic post-pandemic rightsizing. Every tech company did it. Hell, Meta and Amazon laid off enough people to populate a small country.
And here’s my favorite part - they’re dropping Salesforce for AI. Even Marc Benioff called bullshit on that one, and when the guy selling you enterprise software says your AI claims are too bold, you might want to reconsider your position.
takes long drag from cigarette
The truth? This smells like pre-IPO propaganda. They’re about to go public, and suddenly AI is doing everything short of walking the CEO’s dog. It’s like when my ex-wife claimed she’d “found herself” right before cleaning out my bank account.
Let’s look at what their PR guy said (after presumably getting several panicked Slack messages): The CEO was “simplifying for brevity in a broadcast interview.” That’s PR-speak for “our boss talked out of his ass, and now we’re doing damage control.”
The reality is they’re still hiring engineers. Last time I checked, engineers were humans, unless Boston Dynamics has made more progress than I thought. They’re “backfilling essential roles,” which in normal person speak means “replacing people we actually need.”
Here’s what’s really happening: AI is a tool, like my bottle opener or my liver. It’s useful, but it’s not magic. It can help you do things faster, but it’s not replacing entire departments overnight. Anyone who tells you different is either selling something or hasn’t had their morning coffee replaced with truth serum.
The best part about all this? While CEOs are out there claiming AI can do all human jobs, they’re still paying actual humans to write their PR statements and manage their LinkedIn profiles. Funny how that works.
Look, I’m not saying AI isn’t impressive. It is. But so was I that one time I managed to type a coherent email after an all-night bender. Doesn’t mean I should be put in charge of company communications.
Bottom line: When a CEO starts talking about AI like it’s the second coming, check their investor relations page. Nine times out of ten, you’ll find an IPO filing right around the corner.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to ask ChatGPT to explain why my head hurts so much this morning. Surely it can replace my doctor too, right?
Signing off from the bottom of my bourbon glass, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If AI is so great at replacing humans, why am I still the one buying my own drinks?