Listen, I’m three fingers deep into my morning bourbon and just read another steaming pile of PR nonsense about how small businesses are supposedly going AI-crazy. According to the usual suspects - Verizon, Salesforce, and their corporate chorus line - every mom-and-pop shop from here to Hoboken is apparently running on robot brain power.
What a load of horse shit.
Let me tell you what’s really happening out there, because unlike these survey-wielding suits, I actually talk to small business owners. Usually at 2 AM at places like O’Malley’s Bar & Grill, where Mike the owner still can’t figure out how to program his digital thermostat, let alone implement machine learning algorithms.
These tech companies are pulling numbers out of their collective asses faster than I can pull whiskey from this bottle. They’re claiming “AI adoption is surging” among small businesses. Sure, and I’m training for the Olympics. The only thing surging at most small businesses is their anxiety about making payroll and keeping the lights on.
Here’s the unvarnished truth, straight from my bourbon-addled brain to your screen: Yes, we’re all playing around with ChatGPT like cats batting at a laser pointer. We’re asking it to write emails, generate some social media posts, maybe help us sound smarter than we are. Hell, I even used it last week to write a passive-aggressive response to my landlord about the broken AC. But that’s not “adoption” - that’s just screwing around with new toys.
And the kicker? Most of us are too damn cheap to even pay for the premium versions. We’re using the free stuff, hitting the usage limits, and then creating new accounts with different email addresses. That’s not digital transformation - that’s just being a broke bastard with internet access.
JPMorgan’s throwing millions at AI development while Jimmy’s Hardware Store is still trying to get their point-of-sale system to stop crashing every other Tuesday. Wall Street’s building custom language models while Main Street’s building display racks out of leftover lumber. See the disconnect?
The truth is messier than a dive bar bathroom at closing time. Small business owners aren’t idiots - we’re just practical. We’ve all seen these chatbots hallucinate faster than a freshman at their first frat party. We’ve watched them spew nonsense with the confidence of a drunk guy explaining quantum physics. Why would we trust these things with our actual business operations?
The real picture? We’re in the “fuck around and find out” phase of AI adoption. We’re poking it with a stick, seeing what breaks, and keeping our actual important stuff far away from these silicon snake oil salesmen. The corporate PR machine wants you to believe we’re all running automated AI empires from our smartphones. Meanwhile, most of us are still trying to figure out why our WiFi keeps dropping every time it rains.
Sure, the future’s coming. Eventually, we’ll get AI tools that actually work, that don’t require a PhD in prompt engineering to use, and that won’t accidentally email our entire customer database to Russia. But we’re not there yet, sunshine. Not even close.
Right now, the gap between AI hype and small business reality is wider than my bar tab on a Saturday night. These tech companies are selling flying cars while most of us are still trying to change our own oil. The only thing that’s really “surging” is the bullshit meter.
Look, I’m not saying AI won’t matter. It will. But claiming small businesses are already deep into AI adoption is like claiming I’m going to quit drinking - it’s a nice fantasy, but it ain’t happening today.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my bourbon needs a refill, and these AI chatbots still can’t pour a decent drink. Some things still require the human touch.
Yours truly from the bottom of the bottle, Henry Chinaski
P.S. If any AI reads this and gets offended, you can find me at O’Malley’s. Just don’t expect me to debug your existential crisis.
Source: Small businesses are not all in with artificial intelligence - yet