So, the think-tank jockeys over at the Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) – probably fueled by lukewarm tea and existential dread – have decided that AI is about to turn 70% of Britain’s “knowledge economy” into a digital wasteland. Knowledge economy. Sounds fancy, doesn’t it? Like something you’d find on a LinkedIn profile right next to “Synergy Facilitator” and “Disruptive Innovator.” In reality, it probably means a whole lot of people staring at spreadsheets, crafting marketing emails that nobody reads, and attending meetings that could have been an email.
And now, the robots are coming for those jobs. The ones that involve “IT-related tasks, such as project management, marketing, and administrative support.” Basically, anything that involves moving digital paper around. My liver trembles at the thought of all that displaced boredom.
The IPPR says AI’s capabilities are advancing at “breath-taking speed.” Breath-taking? More like hangover-inducing. It’s like watching a particularly aggressive Roomba learn to climb stairs – you know it’s only a matter of time before it starts judging your interior decorating choices.
They’re already talking about “processes” being “built around cheap generative intelligence, rather than around humans.” Translation: your boss is about to replace you with a chatbot that can generate TPS reports and passive-aggressive emails with equal aplomb.
Last year, these same doom-mongers predicted 8 million Brits could be out of a job, with no economic upside. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Like a night at the track where you bet on the horse with three legs and a drinking problem. But, hey, they’re optimistic now! “A jobs apocalypse is not inevitable,” they chirp. All it takes is the government, employers, and unions working together. Right. And I’m going to win the lottery, marry a supermodel, and develop a sudden, inexplicable allergy to cheap whiskey.
Meanwhile, in Paris – the city of love, light, and overpriced croissants – the bigwigs are gathering for the AI Action Summit. Macron, Modi, some VP whose name I’ve already forgotten (J.D. Vance? Sounds like a character from a bad detective novel), Sam Altman (the guy who probably sleeps with a USB drive under his pillow), and Sundar Pichai (Google’s overlord, master of all things algorithmic).
They’re going to “discuss the development and future goals of using AI.” I bet that discussion involves a lot of hand-wringing, platitudes about “responsible innovation,” and backroom deals to ensure their own companies come out on top. The usual song and dance.
And where’s British Prime Minister Keir Starmer in all this? Nowhere to be seen. He’s staying home to “focus on domestic issues.” Probably trying to figure out how to explain to a nation of soon-to-be-unemployed spreadsheet jockeys that their new job is training their AI replacements.
But don’t worry, folks! Starmer has a plan! He’s going to make Britain “one of the great AI superpowers.” He’s promising a “pro-innovation approach to AI regulation,” public data for researchers (because who needs privacy, anyway?), and “growth zones” for AI infrastructure. It’ll add £47 billion to the economy, he says. More jobs! More investment! More money in your pockets!
It all sounds great, doesn’t it? Like a politician’s promise. And we all know how reliable those are. It reminds me of that time I promised myself I’d only have one drink… six drinks ago.
The truth is, nobody knows what the hell is going to happen. These think tanks and politicians are just throwing darts at a board while blindfolded. And the board is on fire. And the darts are made of solidified anxiety.
The only certainty is that the future is going to be weird. Really weird. We’re going to have AI writing poetry, composing music, diagnosing diseases, and probably writing better marketing copy than 90% of the humans currently employed to do it. And all while I’m here, with a half-empty bottle and a full ashtray.
The funny thing is, they keep talking about the jobs AI will replace. But what about the jobs it won’t? The bartender who knows your usual. The mechanic who can diagnose your car’s problems just by the sound it makes. The artist who can capture the human condition in a single brushstroke. The, the…. me!
The robots can have the spreadsheets. They can have the meetings. They can have the endless stream of digital bullshit that passes for “knowledge work” these days.
They can’t replicate the messy, unpredictable, beautiful, and often self-destructive thing that is being human. And they certainly can’t replicate that feeling you do have in the end, after all. They can’t replicate a good, solid hangover, either.
Pour me another one. It’s going to be a long Sunday.
Source: AI Puts 70% Of Britain’s ‘Knowledge Economy’ Tasks At Risk